What's a polite way...

I promised BD's mom that I would bring LO down around Christmas time so she could give him his gift and spend time with him. I will be driving down there (Much to my disdain, 2 hours one way) and paying for gas out of pocket, as usual, but it's an important holiday and she hasn't seen LO since February.

Here's the thing. She hasn't mentioned it, but I want to make sure that she understands that part of the condition I drive down there is that BD not be there...BD has been a dick this entire time. He called my kid a bastard, allowed his girlfriend to talk smurf about LO to him and his friends and would then repeat what she said to me thinking I would find humor in it, has only seen LO once in two years, NEVER helped me even when I called him crying saying I had no money for diapers and begged him to help me out (Considering at the time he was $1,300 behind on C/S and had just gotten a $1,200 check), he has a cocaine habit, there's just a lot of reasons I don't want him around LO. I plan to file for full custody, no visitation at the beginning of the year...
What is a polite way of saying that while I have no issue what so ever with her seeing LO and highly encourage it because she's a wonderful person and amazing influence on my son, but I don't want his father around him and if she can't promise me that isn't going to be an issue, I'm not going down there and neither is LO?
ETA: We currently have no custody agreement, in case anyone is wondering. I just want to make sure I have full custody on paper.

"I'm excited about seeing you and want everything to go smoothly. Unfortunately your son and I do not have a healthy relationship right now and I fear this would impede on our ability to have a good visit so I would appreciate it if he is not there. I hope all is well and I can't wait to see you."

Etc., etc.

Quoting Raptor Jesus:" "I'm excited about seeing you and want everything to go smoothly. Unfortunately your son and I do not ... [snip!] ... have a good visit so I would appreciate it if he is not there. I hope all is well and I can't wait to see you." Etc., etc. "

That's actually a pretty boss way of saying it.
She knows all too well about the things that's went on between us. I wish it wasn't this way and I could go down there and everyone get together and have a good time, but...Just doesn't fall that way.

I would just be honest. That you think she is great and happy she is a part of lo life but you feel that bd is a danger to your lo and for well being of your lo you can only go if she can promise he will not be there.

Say exactly what you said " I have no issue what so ever with her seeing LO and highly encourage it because she's a wonderful person and amazing influence on my son, but I don't want his father around him and if she can't promise me that isn't going to be an issue, I'm not going down there and neither is LO? "
You're flattering her and saying that you don't want you BD to be there if he's going to be an issue.

Quoting Vodka Knockers:" That's actually a pretty boss way of saying it. She knows all too well about the things that's went on ... [snip!] ... it wasn't this way and I could go down there and everyone get together and have a good time, but...Just doesn't fall that way."

Yeah, that sucks =/ Sorry you have to deal with someone like that.

Definitely just be sure to remind her you're excited about your trip and almost coddle her in a way, lol. She'll end up focusing on the fact that you're coming for a visit more than the fact that you're asking for her son to not be there.

Worst comes to worst she'll complain about it and you'll have to put your foot down and say, "Either he's not there or I'm not there." Hopefully that won't be the case though, especially if she's wanting to see her grandchild. Good luck.

Quoting 1st1ontheway:" Say exactly what you said " I have no issue what so ever with her seeing LO and highly encourage it because ... [snip!] ... and neither is LO? " You're flattering her and saying that you don't want you BD to be there if he's going to be an issue."

I reaaaally would have to sugar coat the last part though. She does know the bad vibes between us and why they're there, but she wishes that we could just 'make up' and him be a part of LO's life, etc. But he doesn't want to be a part of LO's life, and I don't want a coke fiend around LO. I just don't want her to get the idea of telling us both to be there at the same time and try to make us 'work through' something that he's not willing to 'work through'.

Quoting Raptor Jesus:" Yeah, that sucks =/ Sorry you have to deal with someone like that. Definitely just be sure to remind ... [snip!] ... there or I'm not there." Hopefully that won't be the case though, especially if she's wanting to see her grandchild. Good luck."

Thanks, I'm going to need it lol.
I know she wishes it was different and so do I, but this is how it is sadly.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Vodka Knockers:</b>" I reaaaally would have to sugar coat the last part though. She does know the bad vibes between us and ... [snip!] ... us both to be there at the same time and try to make us 'work through' something that he's not willing to 'work through'."</blockquote>




End it with "I kow you can't control if he shows up at your house but if he shows up and I'm not feeling comfortable LO and I will leave." ?