re: Is Jealousy Ever Good? D&D

Quoting lolajessup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" So you think that a person can't love someone ... [snip!] ... Maybe those people feel jealousy about other things. Like if they were to have an emotional relationship with someone else."

Yeah, see, I'm not sure. We talk about how jealousy is bad, but I think most women would be hurt if their husbands admitted they honestly wouldn't be jealous or care if the woman slept with another man.

I think we associate sex maybe with feelings so much that the idea that someone doesn't care means they don't care about YOU, but can't those be totally different? Can't a person love someone very much, but not feel like sex is a big deal, so not feel jealous? They love being with the person, and spending time with them, and would be sad if they lost them, but really doesn't care what the person does on their own time or with their own body?

Quoting FaithLovesBaby:" You can love someone and not care who they sleep with. But a relationship where you both agree to not ... [snip!] ... wrong with our relationship. Two people can't be in a relationship if they aren't on the same page about that sort of thing."

Well, that's not totally true. Just because one person doesn't care if the other sleeps with someone else, that doesn't condemn the relationship. If they both are acting in accordance with their rules (meaning neither is cheating or anything) then why does it matter if one is jealous and the other isn't?

Quoting she nan igans:" Yeah, see, I'm not sure. We talk about how jealousy is bad, but I think most women would be hurt if ... [snip!] ... and would be sad if they lost them, but really doesn't care what the person does on their own time or with their own body?"

I honestly have no idea what I'd feel if my BF said he wouldn't be jealous. I don't believe it would change anything.

I really don't think I'd be hurt, nor do I think anything would change in terms of our commitment to each other.

Quoting The Doctor:" I honestly have no idea what I'd feel if my BF said he wouldn't be jealous. I don't believe it would ... [snip!] ... anything. I really don't think I'd be hurt, nor do I think anything would change in terms of our commitment to each other."

See, I know my husband wouldn't be. We've sort of discussed it, and I know him. He'd be hurt if I lied to him, but he really wouldn't care if I had sex with someone else. It's just not in his nature. He wouldn't ever want to lose me, he loves me very much. I think he just doesn't feel that sex is that emotional a thing. If I wanted to sleep with other people I believe totally that he'd have no issue with it. I don't think he'd ever want to sleep with other people (and I wouldn't either) but I really don't think he'd be jealous at all. And thinking abuot it, I don't think I would be either. It's just not in our natures to be like that.

And it made me think. I feel like I should be a little offended by that, but I'm not. It doesn't mean he loves me any less.

<blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" So you think that a person can't love someone else without jealousy? Do people with open relationships ... [snip!] ... and still not be upset if they sleep with other people, because their having sex with only you isn't the reason you love them?"</blockquote>


Don't get mad.

I think open relationships are not feasibly possible to maintain. I really believe it is against human nature to not feel possessive over your mate. Hell, even animals are possessive, and they completely lack the emotional depth that we have.
I think there are rare circumstances where people get by alright in open relationships. But I believe this is due to a problematic environment as a child, or some sort of emotional/psychological problem or inadequacy.

I'm not going to judge or hate on people who swing or keep it open. But I will never believe no matter how much someone tries to convince me that they are truly happy, truly confident in each others unfaltering love, and truly wishing to continue this type of relationship because it brings them actual joy.

Quoting she nan igans:" See, I know my husband wouldn't be. We've sort of discussed it, and I know him. He'd be hurt if I lied ... [snip!] ... And it made me think. I feel like I should be a little offended by that, but I'm not. It doesn't mean he loves me any less."

I'm trying to put myself in that situation, because I'm pretty sure my BF would have a huge issue with it. But I just don't see myself being hurt that he's not jealous.

I absolutely believe that people can be in love with someone else, but not want to be monogamous. And that doesn't change the love.

Quoting she nan igans:" Well, that's not totally true. Just because one person doesn't care if the other sleeps with someone ... [snip!] ... with their rules (meaning neither is cheating or anything) then why does it matter if one is jealous and the other isn't? "

I'm speaking about me, personally. I couldn't be with someone who didn't care who I slept with. When I'm in a relationship, I want it to be two people who only sleep with each other and I couldn't be with someone who didn't feel the same way.

Quoting Safka9973:" <blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" So you think that a person can't love someone ... [snip!] ... in each others unfaltering love, and truly wishing to continue this type of relationship because it brings them actual joy."

I think it's sort of funny that you say you don't judge them, then go on to say that they can't possibly be telling the truth about being happy, and that the only people capable of having such a relationship must have a psychological or emotional problem. That's pretty much the definition of judging.

Do you not think that the emotional depth of people allow them to rise above basic instinctual needs? I mean, instinct might tell people to kill other suitors, but we are also logic driven and able to recognize that that is a silly instinct. Likewise, don't you think some people are able to put aside "instinct" more then others?

And even with nature, most species don't remain monogamous. We have instincts to stray as well. Why do you think that the ones to stray can be overcome, but not the ones of jealousy and possessiveness?

Quoting she nan igans:" I think it's sort of funny that you say you don't judge them, then go on to say that they can't possibly ... [snip!] ... to stray as well. Why do you think that the ones to stray can be overcome, but not the ones of jealousy and possessiveness? "

I want to hug all of this.

Quoting The Doctor:" I'm trying to put myself in that situation, because I'm pretty sure my BF would have a huge issue with ... [snip!] ... believe that people can be in love with someone else, but not want to be monogamous. And that doesn't change the love."

See, yeah. I'm not hurt, but I guess I keep feeling like I should be bothered by it. He's never been jealous. We've been together 10 years and never in 10 years has he shown the slightest tendency towards jealousy. I could tell him "hey, I'm going to go have lunch with some guy" and he'd be like "cool, have fun!" It's both trust I guess, but I think a lot is also that if I wanted to sleep with someone else, he wouldn't care. Sex is sex. Me having sex with someone else doesn't change our relationship, or what we have at all. It's just strange I guess because we have a lot of very jealous people around us, haha.

I'm not interested in an open relationship, and neither is he. We enjoy each others company too much and our sex life is great, so neither of us would see a reason for it. I guess it's just odd to me. haha

<blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" I think it's sort of funny that you say you don't judge them, then go on to say that they can't possibly ... [snip!] ... to stray as well. Why do you think that the ones to stray can be overcome, but not the ones of jealousy and possessiveness? "</blockquote>




I don't really believe possesiveness and jealousy can be whittled down to merely being instinct. We are highly emotional creatures, and I think oft times out emotions do more to harm us than to keep us safe.

To clarify on judging people in open relationships- I don't condemn or think people who choose this lifestyle are bad people. I do have my own opinions of the functionality of these relationships, but not of the value or character of these people.

Quoting Safka9973:" <blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" I think it's sort of funny that you say ... [snip!] ... I do have my own opinions of the functionality of these relationships, but not of the value or character of these people."

You basically said that to have one they have to be emotionally or psychologically damaged. How is that not insulting? Then you said you can't believe they can honestly be happy. This means they are either lying about being happy or incapable of knowing if they are happy. That is insulting as well.

I think jealousy is normal but it's how the person handles it that makes it ok or bad.

<blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" You basically said that to have one they have to be emotionally or psychologically damaged. How is that ... [snip!] ... This means they are either lying about being happy or incapable of knowing if they are happy. That is insulting as well. "</blockquote>




I think most if not all people have some degree of emotional damage. Whether from parents, peers, coworkers, we all have deficits. I have plenty of my own [deficits] but mine differ and/or I responded differently when faced with certain triggers than people who choose open relationships.

It should not be an insult to aknowledge and accept that we are not perfect, and that we are all shaped by our pasts, and present environments.

Quoting Safka9973:" <blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" You basically said that to have one they ... [snip!] ... an insult to aknowledge and accept that we are not perfect, and that we are all shaped by our pasts, and present environments."

Acknowledging that we're not perfect, though, does not mean we are not happy in our imperfections.


Also, would like to add, based on that-- everyone that is not perfect is unhappy? Seems like you think you can be happy with your "imperfections", but someone who has different "imperfections" can't be happy?