Waking up is the worst.

I guess I decided to do this so I didn't clog all my threads with rambling.
I am SO thankful to all those ladies for being so amazing to me. The immense amount of love has been great.

I never knew that it would feel like this. How can losing a baby that never had their first heart beat absolutely kill you inside? I feel like I lost a child that was in my arms.

I hate that I had a feeling this would happen. As weird as it sounds I always have the same exact dream before I get pregnant. I have this amazing dream that I'm giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. And then I find out. I didn't have that dream. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant. I barely talked about it at home. To the girls that knew, I stayed in shock. I didn't feel like it was real. It never sunk in with a positive test. Then of course I make the mistake of announcing it all over Facebook. Only after taking one last test with a test line DARKER than the control line.
Who knew 2 days later it'd be all shattered.
Just spotting. That's normal. Only happened once. Next morning. Only once more. That moment in the room getting an u/s was terrible. The nurse was taking way too long to scan and I knew it was coming. My midwife is amazing. She held my hand and let me cry. She hugged me and let me slip out the back door so I didn't have to face a waiting room full of happy women.
And then I get home and it starts up. I get out right pissed having to go to the bathroom. I feel like I'm flushing my child down the toilet.
I have never cried so hard in my life. I feel just about like a nut case. My head is all over the place. I have SO many blessings in my life. So then I almost feel selfish for forgetting that in my moments that I break down. Thank God my MIL took the kids yesterday. I was able to just sit and bawl and get it out. And my husband is amazing. Left work immediately to be with me and is home today. He's taking our oldest to school, then staying home.

But the one absolute worst moment was waking up. Waking up cramping and it all hits like a ton of bricks. I want it to be done. I want it to go away. I don't want to feel like this.
I do not know how you ladies who have done this multiple times handle it. I cannot fathom repeating this again and again.

I will now watch Dh's niece who is due two weeks before I was grow and have her baby. And of course I will be upset. But I won't let it show. I want her to be happy. And healthy. And have an amazing pregnancy with her first baby. But it's going to hurt every time I see her and I smile.

Few people know I lost a baby last year. It was so hard, I had only told my husband and 2 friends, and a few people on here. It was hardest the days after when thee clots stared passing and I knew every time I wiped it was a baby that would never get to smile and laugh with me. A baby that would never go to school and make friends, and it was so hard to go on with our lives. Now I am expecting again, and my worst fear is losing another baby, but this pregnancy feels different, I feel stronger, and I know everything will be okay.

Quoting ♥ Jayme's Mommy:" Few people know I lost a baby last year. It was so hard, I had only told my husband and 2 friends, and ... [snip!] ... my worst fear is losing another baby, but this pregnancy feels different, I feel stronger, and I know everything will be okay."

That's what is getting me too. Seeing it and then it going away. This is so hard.


I wish you the absolute best for this pregnancy congratulations!

<blockquote><b>Quoting ~Manda Panda +3 ~:</b>" That's what is getting me too. Seeing it and then it going away. This is so hard. I wish you the absolute best for this pregnancy congratulations!"</blockquote>




Thank you. It's hard getting thru a miscarriage. You never get over it, but you get thru it. I know it's tough but remember what you are already blessed with and be thankful for that. Best of luck and I will keep you in my thoughts.

I'm sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter how far along you were it still hurts. I know what you mean about it not feeling the same. My last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and i felt like inside i knew before hand. It didn't feel like the pregnancies with my other two children something felt i don't know, off? It still shocked me when i found out (was a mmc) but i think somehow deep down i knew. I can't imagine going through it all again. It terrifies me so much i got on the pill. My SO's sister is pregnant now and though she is due a lot longer after i was due and even though i'm very happy for her it does hurt a little inside. I hope you feel better soon <3

: ( this made my cry.

im so sorry momma, just know you do have a ton of love and support here whenever you feel like talking about it. HUGS.

Quoting ♥ Jayme's Mommy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting ~Manda Panda +3 ~:</b>" That's what is getting me too. Seeing ... [snip!] ... tough but remember what you are already blessed with and be thankful for that. Best of luck and I will keep you in my thoughts."

Thank you very much.

Quoting Blah:" I'm sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter how far along you were it still hurts. I know what you mean ... [snip!] ... longer after i was due and even though i'm very happy for her it does hurt a little inside. I hope you feel better soon <3"

Thanks.
I just really hate that my feeling was right.
I was just hoping I was paranoid or something.

Oh my God, Amanda. I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

I lost a baby September of 2008. It's been over 4 years but I still feel like it happened yesterday. I just take it one day at a time. Sometimes even an hour at a time. It's all you can really do.

If you need to PM me, please do so.

Quoting ☮ Phuket:" : ( this made my cry. im so sorry momma, just know you do have a ton of love and support here whenever you feel like talking about it. HUGS."

Didn't mean to make you cry  
I just had to write out all the ramblings. All the random thoughts I've had y'know?
And I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the DD group, or the TTC thread. They don't need this right now. You all deserve to have happy pregnancies without debbie downer in there right now.
I am very thankful to have everyone here who has been just amazing.

Quoting ~Manda Panda +3 ~:" Didn't mean to make you cry   I just had to write out all the ramblings. All the random thoughts I've ... [snip!] ... pregnancies without debbie downer in there right now. I am very thankful to have everyone here who has been just amazing. "

Its good for you to just get it out. And I understand, its still so early for alot of us, thats why DDthreads stink, because people come and people go. im really sorry for your loss girl.

Quoting Love Wedge +2:" Oh my God, Amanda. I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I lost a baby September of 2008. It's been over 4 years ... [snip!] ... take it one day at a time. Sometimes even an hour at a time. It's all you can really do. If you need to PM me, please do so."

Thanks hun. I just found out yesterday it was going to happen. I had an u/s and it was just......terrible.

Anyways I really appreciate it.

Quoting ☮ Phuket:" Its good for you to just get it out. And I understand, its still so early for alot of us, thats why DDthreads stink, because people come and people go. im really sorry for your loss girl."

There has been a lot in July too.
Thanks so much.

I know exactly how your feeling girl.. I found out mine stopped at 5wk/6days. The ob TOLD me to prepare to loose the baby. Only difference is I seen mines little heart beat   thats wwhy when I was in the er and have the nurses call my baby "tissue" made me livid! No matter how small they are they are our babys and we love them just like they were here with us for years! Im getting a tattoo in memory to mine. It seriously feels like a hole is punched through your chest. And no matter how many times people say they are sorry for your loss its njce they say it but that hole is still there... my mom was with me when I passed my baby and she was cryen and looked at me like I was nuts for fishing it out so I could give it the proper burial. I wish I knew how to make our pain go away. I hope yoh feel better soon.. and stay safe. I lost so much blood so fast. Your In My thoughts and prayers

I'm glad your husband is staying home with you. I'm so so sorry. Can't say it enough. I'll be praying for you hun.