Quoting RonniG:" Your story is great but you aren't a very good writer. It flows terribly and is full of grammatical errors ... [snip!] ... as style errors. I hope you don't actually get paid to write. Not trying to be super mean. You asked my opinion. I gave it."
I agree, and I'm not trying to be mean.
As an English major, I'm reading this and going "this needs to be edited quite a lot for publication purposes." It's not a bad story, really it isn't! But there are a lot of things that you may not even know what you are doing is "wrong." If you'd like I can edit it with some suggestions and see if you like what I fix. I am NOT trying to be a bitch either... I just read "articles" and know that it doesn't stand up to publication quality. It's not crap though... it's just your first edit ;) Look at it that way!
That being said, if you want me to edit it I need to know a few things. What kind of audience are you looking for? Is this for an established magazine/web site? Just give me some info of your target and where it is being published so I can tell you the right way to edit the article to match the standards of the site/magazine. As it stands, you shouldn't ever write in first person for a publication like this. THAT BEING SAID..... you can do it if you write in such a way to take total focus of yourself or it being so personal, and matching your own feelings with the feelings of the audience, if that makes sense.