i just got back from the hospital a couple hours ago.
this experience has (so far) been completely different to last time.
i was nervous, of course, and had plenty of wobbles where i thought we should keep the baby, but after heart-to-hearts i realised for myself that it's not the right time yet and i knew it was the sensible thing to do, no matter how much i didnt want to do it!
i went in at 12 noon. i was so anxious i felt sick and grumpy. i was seen by the nurse and the anaesthetist and was changed into gown and stockings. around 1pm i started to relax a little bit- i have two young children at home so i never usually get time to lounge around during the day without any responsibilities, without anything to do! i made the most of it- i was on NHS care and as it was the afternoon they were running behind. i was waiting in bed for 3 and a half hours.
a nurse came to check on me, i told her i was scared but she was kind to me and tried to make me feel better
last time i was a complete wreck, in my own little bubble of hell, jsut sitting onthe bed in silence. but this time, i ended up chatting to the other girls, and felt quite at ease.
3 of the others were also pregnant- 2 of them had had abortions before... one still had a coil in! clearly that didnt work
another one had 2 children like me. and the 5th one i felt so sorry for- she was no longer pregnant... she had had TWO failed medical abortions, the first one being in SEPTEMBER!!! she had been carrying around an empty gestational sac for nearly 3 months
she was in tears bless her, but she perked up.
i had written myself a little manifesto to read in bed- with a list of all the reasons i had to remember this was for the best. it helped
i went down to theatre waiting area and still felt pretty ok, not too stressed. only when i got into the theatre and took my robe and slippers off and put the hair cap on, i started crying, but not hysterically like last time. the anaesthetists were LOVELY, palliative care was exceptional. they did keep asking was i ok, did i need a minute- i said no that would make it worse!! and asked a few times was i sure this was what i wanted before they put the canula in. first 2 times i nodded, 3rd time i was close to breaking and shouting "NO!" so instead i said "please don't ask me that!" then nodded again when they asked was i ok for them to put the drugs in. i started stressing a bit thinking about the details of the procedure and started hyperventilating a little bit but one of them said to me to think of something nice, so i thought of my childrens' little smiley faces, and as i knew this was the best option for them at this time, i believe i was doing right by them, it calmed me down a lot. and i pictured their faces as i breathed in the gas and felt the drugs travel up my wrist.
i woke up in recovery... now last time i had this procedure i had no pain whatsoever. this time, i have to say, the pain was quite moderate. it felt like early labour pains TBH. like when you are about 3 or 4 centimetres dilated? not comfortable at all, i couldnt keep still as they wheeled me up!
this continued, and still is. i am taking max strength co-codamol but can still feel it!
to sum it up, second time has been much more painful physically, but so far seems to be much less emotionally painful...
tomorrow will be the true test though, as i remember being ok-ish the evening after my last abortion but i woke up at 3am that night in HYSTERICS for 6 hours solid... am prepared for this to happen again, and i am not looking forward to it happening again and hoping that it doesn't!
i will keep you posted...
to summarise, i think i did the right thing again and once again my NHS care was very good indeed, i am very lucky to have received such good healthcare and particularly sensitive kind staff and whats more it was free! i am very lucky indeed...
now i am going to focus on my children, focus on getting my own life properly on track, focus on enjoying what i have, and focus on fixing all the problems that led us to have to make the difficult decision to terminate 2 pregnancies
and remember that one day when the time is right, if i still want to, i have been promised a proper, planned pregnancy that will be joyous instead of stressful and that will result in a baby that we are fit to provide for what it deserves.