I have issues (TMI)

I just lost my baby almost a week ago. Ten weeks alone and had just found out the week before. I hate this feeling of emptyness. I had the worst contractions. Even worse than with my daughter. Started off as spotting the day after I found out at 8 weeks 5 days that I was pregnant bc I had NO CLUE. I even had a period last month. It was the nausea that made me take a test bc it was exactly like when I was pregnant with my 4yr old (my only child). So initially I was mortified: I'm a single 30 yr old mom of an ASD/ADHD 4yr old and I am ADD myself and had no clue as to how and where I was going to put another child. But the next day I woke up and felt nothing but love for my "fetus baby" as I lovingly referred to him as. Then the spotting started and all went downhill from there. I have no insurance however I was laid off from my job and I dont qualify for medicaid bc I make $100 too much in unemployment (smfh) so I only had family planning medicade and i went on 11/13/12 to change my "medicaid" (only paid for paps and bc) to PREGNANCY medicaid. My OBGYN had filled out the paperwork and i had everything straight and my dr told me to tell DSS to please hurry bc I was having complications (bleeding). Well I didn't have the $132 OFFICE visit money nor the $600 for 1 ultrasound. When I called my drs office the first time aout the bleeding we thought it was a bad bladder infection causing the bleeding. Ok doc, but why does the blood smell funny????? Never got an answer. Next day I call and the triage nurse told me that going to the hospital would be pointless bc they would tell me im having a mc and send me home after waiting 19 hours. So I started MYSELF on bedrest since apparently theres nothing you can do to stop your body from killing your baby. The contractions started the night of 11/18/12 for 6 hours with just 1 blood clot but I had already been expelling mucous the previous day. I had back pain from hell for 3 days prior to the contrations and left everything up to mother nature so the contrations started right after my now ex stated he wasnt the father and blah blah blah. He also stated via text as i was gushing blood and contracting that he hoped that I miscarry. The contractions stopped after a whole lot of motrin and sitting upright and rocking. and the next day I didnt even bleed. Oddly at 11:35pm (this is when my water broke with my daughter) I started bleeding in my kitchen and I passed what felt like a hard boiled egg without the shell and there was the sac which was split slightly and I could see my angels little lips and nose pushing through. I smurfing lost it. My best friend was here with me thank God bc I just had him in a bucket rinsing the sac so delicately to get all the yukkiness off of my baby so he wouldn't be dirty and my best friend just let me bc he knew it was my closure. My baby might be dead but dammit hes not going to look like THIS. The lil umbilical cord from the belly was dangling. But to me that was my CHILD. my baby. and it hurts so bad bc the love for your child is the greatest most wonderful love in the world so to lose one regardless of gestation is still so hard to deal with me and I blame myself for not testing sooner bc I take medication for my ADD that could have caused this miscarriage. Everyday I see my belly shrinking and the blood of death lessens but I feel so lost. I go with the flow during the day when ppl are around but at night when my daughter goes to bed I sit alone and just think of how I probably would be able to eat on Turkey Day bc I was so nauseous or how I was going to pin a tiny stocking on my belly for Xmas. All gone right before turkey day even got here and the pain still lingers. im sorry for the rant but I have been holding it in for so so long.....

I'm so sorry   and I'm sorry your ex was an smurf.

Omg. I don't even really know what to say. I can't imagine going through that. I wish there was something I could do for you   I'm so sorry..

Quoting Erica ☆★:" Omg. I don't even really know what to say. I can't imagine going through that. I wish there was something I could do for you   I'm so sorry.."

THANK YOU SWEETIE <3

If you ever need to talk, just message me. It always helps to vent things.

Quoting Erica ☆★:" If you ever need to talk, just message me. It always helps to vent things. "

thank you so much. its been harder than i thought it would be dealing with this.