Don't want second abortion (update page 2)

I had an abortion 5 months ago, at 11 weeks   My husband wanted me to get it and we are not in a great position financially etc to have our 3rd child yet. I didnt want to have the abortion but i did it because i was worried that the baby he didnt want might come between us, and would impact on our other 2 children.
I was quite messed up after the abortion emotionally, the day after i was literally suicidal and was put on strong medication. For several weeks, a couple of months really i was very messed up, hearing voices, being haunted by visions that were not really there, not looking after myself and feeling very low.
I had just started to heal after 3 months or so but one lingering effect on me was some subconscious desire to turn back time, to be pregnant again. I was always going a bit nuts during sex and mithering my husband to finish off without protection, i fully admitted to him that i didnt care i was very upfront about it. Sometimes i would start crying because i knew i was playing with fire and i didnt want another unintended pregnancy but i couldnt control myself, i felt like something else was making me behave like that, it was like i was posessed!
My husband would resist my pressure to finish off without protection, however he was happy to start off unprotected and just put the condom on right at the end. Apparently he thought that would be safe., I did not, but like i said i was not of sound mind   i was vulnerable and i feel like he didnt take care of me properly- my excuse for being careless was the after-effects of my last abortion- what was his excuse? I was so angry with him  
So here i am, pregnant again. And have another abortion booked in 3 days'.
When i found out i was pregnant we spoke about it and i told him that i couldnt have another abortion, but he said he was going to leave me, we actually broke up for a few hours   but i couldnt bear to throw away over 10 years together, or break up our children's happy family home life, so agreed to the abortion.
He says that we simply cannot afford it right now (and i agree he is right) and he has promised that we can TTC baby number 3 when the time is right, so i guess that seems fair enough- but it isnt that straightforward to me?
I havent forgiven myself for the last abortion and i just dont know if i could bring myself to do it again. i came so close to just walking out the clinic last time... now i KNOW what i'd be in for i KNOW how horrible it is the day after and i know how much it would tear me up for ages because ive only just come out of it!
I know i have myself to blame for not being careful but i feel like that stupidity of mine was only as a result of my last abortion the effects it had on me it made me crazy for a while  
Some of my friends find it hard to stomach that i am potentially getting two abortions in 5 months i am perceived to be "one of THOSE women (whom other women particularly pregnant women and mothers HATE) who casually use abortion as contraception" and have taken steps back from me
Other friends seem to "side" with my husband and say abortion is definately sensible and i would be irresponsible and selfish to keep the baby. People say to me "get rid, get it over with" like i have some nasty disease  
some friends are being supportive to my needs and looking out for my own emotional wellbeing but still, feeling quite alone at the moment  

what a horrible thing to have to go through!!

maybe talk to him about adoption? I can't even imagine having to have one abortion let alone two. So sorry you're going through this!

Mama, you need to do what is best for YOU. If your husband would leave over you not getting an abortion, good riddance. He does not need to make you feel this way. If you don't want the abortion, DON'T do it. There is always adoption if you 100% cannot afford this baby. Do not let him pressure you into this. It needs to be what YOU want. It is YOUR body. Good luck with all this!

My ex tried to get me to have an aborition i told him i couldnt do it, if he left me fine. You married you have two kids. you are looking from both points of view. I hope your emotional state is better after this one. Deffinetly talk to the DR bout last time before you go in this time. You are in my thoughts.

Dont do it if you dont want to. If he loves you he wont leave. I know babies cost alot and if you dont want the baby there is always.adoption. good luck mama.

There's always adoption. If you can't emotionally handle another abortion, I would strongly recommend against it. Your children need a healthy mother and it doesn't sound like you are emotionally capable of dealing with another abortion. If your SO wants to get you pregnant and then leave you for it, let him leave. That doesn't sound like love to me. And it doesn't sound like he respects you very much.

So far as your children having a "perfectly happy family with mommy and daddy" goes, it doesn't sound like they had that to begin with. And there are more devastating things that children will endure than their parents' divorce... Such as having an emotionally traumatized mother and a disrespectful and unsupportive father.

wow im so sorry about this but i think that since you guys are married he shouldnt be trying to make u do something you dont wanna do , like maybe even talking u into adoption ... nd yes deff dont do nothing you dnt wwanna do consider adoption girl nd i hope everything works out , in the end everything will be okay goodluck

If you don't think you can get another abortion then i would suggest maybe try talking to him about adoption.

please consider adoption... sounds like it would be easier on you

Quoting Alissa McKeighan:" There's always adoption. If you can't emotionally handle another abortion, I would strongly recommend ... [snip!] ... than their parents' divorce... Such as having an emotionally traumatized mother and a disrespectful and unsupportive father."

this   

Quoting Alissa McKeighan:" There's always adoption. If you can't emotionally handle another abortion, I would strongly recommend ... [snip!] ... than their parents' divorce... Such as having an emotionally traumatized mother and a disrespectful and unsupportive father."

Agreed!
And if he Thinks it's going to be Expensive with a 3rd Child in the Home, is He in for One HELL of a Wake Up Call when he realizes how even more expensive it's going to be, when he's Paying Rent & bills for himself, PLUS separate ones for 3 Kids(& possibly spousal Support)!

You're probably in a position right now where Your Relationship isn't going to survive either way if he's That Adamant. Because You are going to find yourself Leaving Him for the Abortions, or he's leaving You for Not having an abortion. I hate to say it but it sounds to me like he's just looking for an Out, or a Completely Self-Centered Insensitive Ass.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Chelsea Dawns Mama:</b>" Mama, you need to do what is best for YOU. If your husband would leave over you not getting an abortion, ... [snip!] ... this baby. Do not let him pressure you into this. It needs to be what YOU want. It is YOUR body. Good luck with all this!"</blockquote>


I agree.good luck

holy smurf!! im sorry but id smurfin tell my SO to take a smurfin hike and id do this alone!! not that i would "want" to throw away what u have but if an abortion smurfed me up that bad best believe im not going to let a man tell me what the smurf to do !!! SMH at you SO.. Good luck !

Quoting pixie b:" I had an abortion 5 months ago, at 11 weeks   My husband wanted me to get it and we are not in a great ... [snip!] ... are being supportive to my needs and looking out for my own emotional wellbeing but still, feeling quite alone at the moment  "

PLEASE do not make this kind of decision based on ANYONE elses thoughts....you are the one would will have to carry this with you the rest of your life, not them!!

Keep the baby   !!!!!!!!!