I feel like the evil step-mother

I can never get my stepdaughter to consistently do anything. Ever. My house is not perfect. In fact, half the time it's a mess. But I feel like a hurricane comes through every time she is home. I love her dearly but she is a slob. For almost 4 years I have been trying to correct it, but all I do is get blank stares. She is 11, perfectly capable, in my opinion, to pull a full trash bag out of the garbage. Or put her dirty dishes in the dish washer, or pick up her wet towels. Three times last week I came downstairs to a soaking wet towel laying on my couch overnight.

I hate yelling, but it's the same things over and over. On the weekends, she will be up all night while we are sleeping. I'll come down in the morning and my kitchen will be a disaster. Dishes everywhere crumbs on the counters and floor. She leaves plates and dishes all over the house. I can say over and over until I am blue in the face not to have any food in her room but I always find it there. She will only clean it up after I tell her 5 times. And then I just feel like a bitch.
 

Is this normal kid stuff? How much do you clean up after your kid? How much do you make them clean themselves?

She really has no chores. It's pretty impossible since she is at her mom's half the time and they don't make her do anything. I really think her mother just follows her around all day cleaning up as she goes. But then it's no the kids fault is it?
She does help her dad take the trash out front sometimes. But will not do it alone.
Ugh... how do I do it? How do I get her to help without hating me? I've tried talking to her and explaining how much I appreciate her help but it's like in one ear and out the other.




Sorry, I didn't realize this would be so long lol.

I don't think you are being mean at all. By the time I was 7 I was capable and did do all the house chores everyday with my older brother. Her mom needs to get her helping at home, too. That's ridiculous, IMO, that an 11 year is that lazy. Yeah, kids can have moments, but to Always be a lazy slob? Not cool. Kid or not. This is a time to shape responsibility

Quoting Gir!:" I don't think you are being mean at all. By the time I was 7 I was capable and did do all the house chores ... [snip!] ... lazy. Yeah, kids can have moments, but to Always be a lazy slob? Not cool. Kid or not. This is a time to shape responsibility"

That's how I feel! These years will determine the rest of her life! It's frustrating as smurf to come home from 10 hours of work and find my house in shambles. I think her dad babies her waaaaay too much. I never get in between them but its getting redic. She will never do anything without being told. I still need to tell her to brush her teeth or hair. If I don't tell her she wont do it.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Nancy Botwin:</b>" That's how I feel! These years will determine the rest of her life! It's frustrating as smurf to come ... [snip!] ... never do anything without being told. I still need to tell her to brush her teeth or hair. If I don't tell her she wont do it. "</blockquote>



I can see that with a toddler, not a pre-teen. That is ridiculous!! Yuck!

By the way, my 4 year old goes outside and feeds/waters livestock. He has for over a year now.

Quoting Gir!:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Nancy Botwin:</b>" That's how I feel! These years will determine ... [snip!] ... tell her she wont do it. "</blockquote> I can see that with a toddler, not a pre-teen. That is ridiculous!! Yuck!"

I try to explain how important it is and nobody like the kid with the smelly breath lol but I swear it doesn't sink in. Her dad works weekends so it's just me her and the baby, I feel like I'm training a puppy.

Possibly you could try a reward system??
Like if she is good and can keep up with everything you willl get her a new pair of jeans? Take her to the movies or out to eat??/
I know its bribery (SP) in a way, but in time she will just learn to to keep clean.

Quoting ~ Emily & Kale ~:" Possibly you could try a reward system?? Like if she is good and can keep up with everything you willl ... [snip!] ... Take her to the movies or out to eat??/ I know its bribery (SP) in a way, but in time she will just learn to to keep clean."

I was thinking about it. There are a lot of things she asks for all the time.

Sounds like my 11 year old brother. My mom and step dad baby him so much, he has never cleaned, did dishes, etc. It's like my mom thinks he is completely incapable of doing anything for himself. But, my sisters and I at his age, and a lot younger, had daily chores and had no problem doing them.

sounds like my 11 yo stepdaughter but the girls have a bed time and that is strict no exceptions and they do not help themselves to food no exceptions if she isnt made to do anything at her moms its hard to make her do it at your house ive been trying since she was 3

Quoting Gir!:" By the way, my 4 year old goes outside and feeds/waters livestock. He has for over a year now."

I am definitely starting my son off this way.

I definitely don't think you're being mean. You're being a parent. If she's 11, she's definitely old enough and capable of cleaning up after herself. My 5 year old's expected to help out a bit around the house, and even my 3 year old has a couple "chores"...(She feeds the dogs, puts away the toys, ect.)

There's no reason for her to not be contributing. You're definitely not overreacting.

I don't think the things you are asking are unreasonable. It is unreasonable to think things are going to change without every person on board. If she gets away with it for this entire time and then you come into the picture and suddenly she has some responsibilty of course you will be the "evil stepmom". Sometimes you just have to pick your battles with an 11 y/o especially as a step-parent.

Quoting Just Andria:" I don't think the things you are asking are unreasonable. It is unreasonable to think things are going ... [snip!] ... course you will be the "evil stepmom". Sometimes you just have to pick your battles with an 11 y/o especially as a step-parent."

Your right. But this is my house. I can't sit back and be disrespected in it. Four years is a long time to live with someone. Her mother may let her get away with anything but that's on her time. I'm just going to stick with it, be consistent. Hopefully it will sink in soon enough.

She's in that early pre teen stage... itts just lazyness... I remember cups piling up in my room because I just didn't want to be responsible for cleaning them down stairs...
She's waaay old enough for chores... my 6 year old lugs my big ass kirby all around to the carpets in the rooms and vacums all bedrooms...
I don't trust him with dishes, lol but u have a dishwasher?? She's able to load it and unload it... *I soooo miss my dishwasher* off topic sorry lol
The only way I was cleaning the house and my room at that age was if I wanted like a cd or some random thing... at end of the week, maybe some kind of incentive would help motivate her in begining, my kids are young so they work for *happy faces* on chart and the occasional ice cream truck raid...