Advice on Child Support/Custody

So, I won child support.

BD doesn't work however, and probably won't ever, so he'll end up going to jail for not paying. He has another child, and however smurffy he is to me and the baby we have together, she actually lives with him, and he actually cares a lot about her. I don't want a child to lose a father just because he doesn't feel the need to be a father to mine.

Also, the only reason I had to file for child support is for Addie's insurance. I can't work, so she's on AR Kids state health insurance. Since the non-custodial parent/parent that pays support is responsible for health insurance, they MAKE you track down the father and find out whether or not he's going to pay.

I haven't heard from him since early March...that's the last message I got from him on Facebook. I've been really wanting to talk to him and confront him about everything, but everyone keeps telling me not to...Literally EVERYONE tells me "That's not your job. If he wanted her in his life, he'd ask." I offered to take her down to see him almost every weekend for about four months. He's never bought her anything and he's only been alone with her for four hours total. He really hasn't done anything fatherly besides...well...being her biological father.

But I just..I don't know. I don't want him to go to jail, but she needs insurance.

I've been thinking about coming to him, explaining the situation, and asking him if he does want to be in her life. It's not my choice to terminate child support at this point, because the state took care of it, and they awarded me full custody. I'm thinking of asking him if he wants to terminate his parental rights on his own so he doesn't have to pay child support and work out something between us if he doesn't want to go to jail.

I'm just really conflicted. I don't know what to do, honestly. I don't have any feelings for him, but I'm way too empathetic of a person for him to go to jail over money. What would you guys do?

I'd maybe send him a letter or email explaining why you went for child support, pretty much you didn't, the state did. As for signing off his rights, he can't. Not without another parent willing to step up. You'd have to be married at least a year to someone else who was willing to adopt her.

Why doesn't he work?

In all honesty, I wouldn't feel bad. He now has two children that he should get off his ass and support them.

Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" I'd maybe send him a letter or email explaining why you went for child support, pretty much you didn't, ... [snip!] ... another parent willing to step up. You'd have to be married at least a year to someone else who was willing to adopt her."

Really? I had no idea. I thought they could do that if they wanted to and didn't want any custody or rights. So he's smurfed either way then? I feel so guilty. =[

Quoting Tikaytasha:" Why doesn't he work? In all honesty, I wouldn't feel bad. He now has two children that he should get off his ass and support them."

Three. =/ His oldest was adopted by his ex wife's husband because he didn't ever see him. The whole situation is just messed up. I got pregnant within two months of meeting him...so I had no idea what kind of guy he was. I was young and stupid and he was definitely not the person to have a kid with, but now I have to figure it out.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" Really? I had no idea. I thought they could do that if they wanted to and didn't want any custody or rights. So he's smurfed either way then? I feel so guilty. =["

Yeah, it's a really common misconception. It's really hard to terminate a parents rights, regardless of who wants to terminate.

Quoting Tikaytasha:" Why doesn't he work? In all honesty, I wouldn't feel bad. He now has two children that he should get off his ass and support them."

And he doesn't work because he hurt his leg in a job over a year and a half ago...he can file for disability, but he wants military disability. He got mad because they "lost" some paper work, and said "If the military won't give me disability, then why should I expect the government to?"

He gets around on it fine, and when we were still talking I was like "You know you can still find jobs where you don't have to be on your feet, or where they'll let you sit down. It may take you a while but there's no reason to just not look at all if you're sitting at home anyway."

He said no one would hire him so he won't even try.

i would giv him the option to sign over his rights. you said that you dont think he will ever get a job, he hasnt talked to you since march and you already have full custody. i see no reason to not have him sign over his rights and just be done.

Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" Yeah, it's a really common misconception. It's really hard to terminate a parents rights, regardless of who wants to terminate."

Could we both go to court for it? Like, against the state? I know that sounds stupid, I'm not sure how to put it. I don't have an SO and I'm not even sure I want to ever get married, so I'm sure not rushing off to find a guy just for this.

Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" I'd maybe send him a letter or email explaining why you went for child support, pretty much you didn't, ... [snip!] ... another parent willing to step up. You'd have to be married at least a year to someone else who was willing to adopt her."

ohhhh, i didn't know this either.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" Could we both go to court for it? Like, against the state? I know that sounds stupid, I'm not sure how ... [snip!] ... I don't have an SO and I'm not even sure I want to ever get married, so I'm sure not rushing off to find a guy just for this. "

Well see, I'm not really sure, but I want to say it probably wouldn't help. They make it an extremely tough process because there is absolutely no going back from it. Never. Once it's done, he is not her Father, he can never have any rights, any visitation unless you let him, he is nothing to her, forever. It's like any legal trail between the 2 of them never existed. There is absolutely nothing he can do, if in 10 years, he regrets the decision. It's pretty much as final as death, legally speaking.

Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" Well see, I'm not really sure, but I want to say it probably wouldn't help. They make it an extremely ... [snip!] ... is absolutely nothing he can do, if in 10 years, he regrets the decision. It's pretty much as final as death, legally speaking."

Taking him away from his daughter because he's in jail over another kid is time that little girl won't get back, too, though. That's just what I keep focusing on...I want to cry for her. I feel so stupid and ignorant for even getting into this situation in the first place, even after almost two years. I just..ugh. I don't know. I'm working on my disability myself for health issues, so I may have to talk to a lawyer if I get backpay.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" Really? I had no idea. I thought they could do that if they wanted to and didn't want any custody or rights. So he's smurfed either way then? I feel so guilty. =["

Not what I was told by a lawyer.
She said that I could terminate with or without someone willing to be there to adopt. It's different in some states though, so a lot of people are mistaken when people in other states say something different. It may be that way in your state.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" Taking him away from his daughter because he's in jail over another kid is time that little girl won't ... [snip!] ... I don't know. I'm working on my disability myself for health issues, so I may have to talk to a lawyer if I get backpay. "

I know it sucks that there's another child involved. But, really, your child needs insurance. It's not your, or her fault, that he had another child. He should support them all. Because he isn't, you had to turn elsewhere. Him going to jail wouldn't be permanent and it might wake him up to the fact that he needs to pay for his children. Even if he paid $5 a month, it would show the Court his intent to support, just that he doesn't have the means. They might not even put him in jail.

Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" I know it sucks that there's another child involved. But, really, your child needs insurance. It's not ... [snip!] ... month, it would show the Court his intent to support, just that he doesn't have the means. They might not even put him in jail."

That's true.
My case worker told BD repeatedly that if he'd pay in something, no matter how small every month and showed that he was trying, they wouldn't arrest him.