I hate him, but still love him...UGH! Vent, Rant, LLOONNGG..

So ok, a little background. Back in April SO swears I screwed off some money. I don't see it as I messed up because I used on things we NEEDED around the house and clothes for not only my daughter but his as well. He took care of the bills so I did not know how bad we needed that money on other things until it was too late, So a couple of months go by and he decided that it would be best if he and his daughter get an apartment and I go back to my parents. Supposedly it would be better financially. Never understood it but whatever I went with it because he said that he could get more help from the state that way as far as daycare and putting her mom on child support. So we live like this from August until now. Everything seemed to be going fine we were getting along better and even talking about moving back in together since his plan didn't get him any help with getting his daughters mom on child support and stuff. Anyway so we go in for a c section on Nov 9th and we now have our beautiful baby boy. Everything was great. SO was there all day everyday for 4 days while I was in the hospital and the week up until we went in was with me constantly. So we go home from the hospital on Monday and when I get up tuesday morning I have a friend request on fb from some female that says he is a mutual friend. So I go to her page to see who she is and F*** if there are not pictures all over her page of him and her and she is all talking about her wonderful boyfriend! So just four days after our son is born I find out SO has been cheating on me for the past month at least. So I call my friend to take me to his house because he has my car because his got repoed a few weeks ago. I get there and I'm flipping out. Asking him how he could do this and why he didn't just tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore things like that. He says that he still wants our relationship and that he was sorry he was just frustrated about our situation and that he had already called it off with her like a week before our son was born and that is why she even sent the request was so I would know that he had cheated. So I tell him that its over and that the only thing we have now is our son. He swears that it was all a mistake and that he wants us to be together and that he never wanted her. And I guess in his eyes to prove that he calls her and goes off on her about how she was just mad that he didn't want her and that she never should have upset me right after having our son since she knew the whole time. And the girl said that she was hoping that if she let me know about them then maybe I would just go away and be out of SO's life so she could be with him. He went off saying that she cost him his son because if I leave he knows I'm going back to my home state and he won't see his son. Which by the way I did think about doing but decided no matter how much he hurt me I wouldn't hurt my son like that. Anyway so now she is all pissed because he told her to stay out of his life and to never contact him again. Now the situation is that I still want this relationship but don't know if I can get past this. He is now constantly on me about if I still want this and if I'm going to give it a chance and things like that. I love him to no end don't get me wrong but I'm hurt and mad. I don't know what to do. He keeps finding reasons why I should now stay at his place almost every night mainly says he wants to see his son. He even quit going to play poker at his friends house because that is where he met the girl and he said he knows if he goes she will show up. So has anyone been cheated on given it a second chance and it is going good for them? I know I should just walk away but I really do still love him and want this to work.

I wouldn't. I would NEVER be able to get past something like that even if I wanted to and frankly he doesn't deserve you.

I mean, he seems like he wants to work at earning your trust back. I think he honestly knows he made a mistake and wants to remedy it. I think I would give him another chance. But that's IT. 1 chance lol.


But if you decide to live together again, you need to have a long clear talk about finances. That was BS to move into other places because one time you overspent.

IMO I think he purposely blew up you overspending to have you move out so it would be easier to cheat.

It takes a lot of work and a long time to get over something like that, but it can be done. However, once you decide to forgive him, you have to let it go. I'm not saying immediately trust him again, but you can't forgive him and then go off on him for it again later.

To be perfectly honest, he sounds sincere about wanting to be with you and only you. He called the girl in front of you and I assume you heard her say these things so you know he actually called her and not some random number? And the fact that he's stopped going to the place(s) where he KNOWS she will be says a lot. He's avoiding the situation altogether because he's trying to work it out with you. He continues to ask to see his son and to see you and he constantly asks if you want to work out your relationship. That's a lot of effort for somebody to put into somebody who just dumped him if he was just going to go out and cheat again, IMO.

If you honestly want to be with the guy and you think there's a chance you can trust him again, I say go for it. I think from what he's done and continued to do, he's showing true remorse for his actions and making an effort to be with you.

My concern is that IF I give this a chance I know I will eventually have to trust him again or it will never work and I'm not sure I can put that trust in him. And right now I'm taking it one day at a time and we have done alot of talking about how to try to make it work. I know I messed up the finances (unknowingly) but I didn't cheat. To me that takes it to a whole other level of screw up!

Quoting Mommy2ChaseandAden  :" IMO I think he purposely blew up you overspending to have you move out so it would be easier to cheat."

Or he was just being an idiot about finances like some guys are. She moved out in August. He didn't get with this other girl til October. If he moved her out specifically to cheat on her then I think he would've been cheating the entire time. Just my opinion.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this right now......So although he told you you needed to move out for finanial reasons, sounds like he just wanted to be able to have another girlfriend? Cheating happens, people make mistakes. Dude, your boyfriend has a girlfriend! I could get over cheating once, twice, even three times but he had another girlfriend....an emotional relationship. If you decide to work it out with him you better make him really work for it. That would be a really hard one for me to get over.

Quoting Never too late:" My concern is that IF I give this a chance I know I will eventually have to trust him again or it will ... [snip!] ... work. I know I messed up the finances (unknowingly) but I didn't cheat. To me that takes it to a whole other level of screw up!"

It definitely does take it to a whole other level of screw up. And that's why I agree with Crystal. You need to have a long talk about finances and make sure something like that doesn't happen again. And you should take it one day at a time. This can't be something that you rush into. You'll have to decide if you can ever trust him again and if you want this to work. I just think he's made a great start at proving himself to you that he does want it to work with you and not with random Chick A.

Quoting Blair Waldorf (SuperKink):" It takes a lot of work and a long time to get over something like that, but it can be done. However, ... [snip!] ... I think from what he's done and continued to do, he's showing true remorse for his actions and making an effort to be with you."

Thanks, I felt like maybe I was hoping he sounded like he wanted this just because I did so bad. and thats why I needed outside opinions.

Quoting Blair Waldorf (SuperKink):" Or he was just being an idiot about finances like some guys are. She moved out in August. He didn't ... [snip!] ... If he moved her out specifically to cheat on her then I think he would've been cheating the entire time. Just my opinion."

Just because he was dating this other girl since October(and btw the said at least a month, she doesn't know how long they were really together) doesnt mean he wasnt hooking up with her before they made it official.

I wouldn't be able to ever forgive my boyfriend for being in another relationship at the same time as me.

Quoting Never too late:" Thanks, I felt like maybe I was hoping he sounded like he wanted this just because I did so bad. and thats why I needed outside opinions."

Yeah he sounds like he wants to work things out with you but IMO for me it would be wayyyy too late!!

Quoting Blair Waldorf (SuperKink):" Or he was just being an idiot about finances like some guys are. She moved out in August. He didn't ... [snip!] ... If he moved her out specifically to cheat on her then I think he would've been cheating the entire time. Just my opinion."

Ahh I must have missed that part...not hard to do with 3 little boys.

Quoting Never too late:" Thanks, I felt like maybe I was hoping he sounded like he wanted this just because I did so bad. and thats why I needed outside opinions."

Well, anytime an ex of mine has screwed up in such a way and then wanted to apologize and get back together, the moment I say that it's going to take a lot of work and trust and time, they're out. It's like it's too much effort to even try to make it work for them. My daughter's father doesn't even make an effort to ask about his daughter let alone try to work things out with me yet he says he still loves me and her.  

Your dude sounds genuinely interested in making things right.

A couple of these comments made me think I should add in another peice of information that I can't be sure about but it is what I have been told. He says that he has had sex with her twice over the month that they have been talking. And that he has only seen her 4 times. Once a week playing poker because she is a friend of the people he plays with. Anyway she lives like 45 minutes away from where we live. And on all the comments she has posted on fb she was always talking about how she missed him and how she hated not being able to see him. what I did notice is the couple of days leading up to her sent friend request is when all of the pictures got added. And those were days he was with me in the hospital. And in those picks he had on like four diffrent outfits so I'm thinking that her friends were taking pics everytime they played poker. He claims that he never told her he wanted to be with her but also never told her he didn't. that he told her about me and our son and that he told her that our relationship was not good right now and he didn't know if we were going to be able to work it out. Now she did confirm all this in their conversation, which she has no idea I could hear. Anyway, he says that she was the one that wanted it to be a relationship that in his eyes all it was was a frustration f***. In my eyes its cheating because if he didn't know if we could work out our problems then he should have waited until we called it quits or he should have just said it was over.