When it all comes falling down...

So I finally admitted it today. I am ridiculously suicidal.   I struggle with this from time to time, because I suffer from depression and BPD. Normally my fear of dying and love for my family is enough to slap me in the face and wake me up. Truth is, that's no longer working. I have been questioning my ability to be a good mother, wondering if my kids would be better off without me. I've been living in denial, like a robot, just doing the daily stuff I'm supposed to do. It finally hit me today, this intense urge to kill myself. To finally be done. No more worries, no more pain, just to let go. It feels like it would be a relief to know it's the end, that it's over. I know most of you won't understand. I will probably be judged and that's okay. I am hoping that writing this all down will help me change my mind. Thanks for reading.

I understand.

But, I grew up without a mother. It was and is incredibly painful. Your babies need you.  

You shouldn't feel that way about yourself...you kids need and love you. Have you thought about going to see somebody about this. You really need to.

No judgement here. Are you on meds? Are you in therapy? If you are in danger you need to check into a hospital.

Please reach out to someone or call the suicide hotline. I'm sorry that you are feeling like this but your children will NOT be better off without you. I'm available to talk if you want to PM me.

And I'm sorry you feel this way. It isn't fun I'm in the same boat

<blockquote><b>Quoting HopingforaMiracle:</b>" No judgement here. Are you on meds? Are you in therapy? If you are in danger you need to check into a hospital."</blockquote>




I haven't taken meds since I was 16. I hated the person they made me. (I took Paxil and Lithium) I've wanted to try therapy but I'm so afraid that something I say will be used against me as it has in the past. I told my husband I thought I might need to go to the hospital, he shrugged it off. I am afraid to lose my job if I go.  

Quoting Chick+6!:" <blockquote><b>Quoting HopingforaMiracle:</b>" No judgement here. Are you on meds? ... [snip!] ... I told my husband I thought I might need to go to the hospital, he shrugged it off. I am afraid to lose my job if I go.  "

You cannot lose your job over that. You need help and you deserve to get it. That's pretty smurffy of your DH to shrug you off.

<blockquote><b>Quoting ** A.J's Mommy**:</b>" You cannot lose your job over that. You need help and you deserve to get it. That's pretty smurffy of your DH to shrug you off."</blockquote>




I think he assumes I can handle this, like I always do. I realize now that pretending there is no problem simply causes bigger problems. I dont blame him because he's used to me feeling this way but still living normally.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Chick+6!:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting HopingforaMiracle:</b>" No judgement here. Are you on meds? ... [snip!] ... I told my husband I thought I might need to go to the hospital, he shrugged it off. I am afraid to lose my job if I go.  "</blockquote>




There are so many meds out there. It took me 9 years to come up with the right combination that somewhat works. They legally cannot fire you for it!

You deserve much better mama... Do you have a friend that would go with you to the hospital? ( I honestly wish I could be there with you).

<blockquote><b>Quoting ** A.J's Mommy**:</b>" You deserve much better mama... Do you have a friend that would go with you to the hospital? ( I honestly wish I could be there with you)."</blockquote>




I know my sister would go with me. I just feel like I can't make myself go. Every time I've ended up in a hospital for depression I've been there at least a month. I keep telling myself "wait until the holidays are over..."

Don't wait... having a healthy mommy would be the best holiday gift for your kiddos. Please call your sister and at the very least talk to her about how you are feeling seeing as your DH isn't understanding the situation.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Chick+6!:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting ** A.J's Mommy**:</b>" You deserve much better mama... Do you ... [snip!] ... up in a hospital for depression I've been there at least a month. I keep telling myself "wait until the holidays are over...""</blockquote>




That's what is keeping me from going to the hospital too I'm sorry mama  

<blockquote><b>Quoting HopingforaMiracle:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Chick+6!:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting ** A.J's Mommy**:</b>" ... [snip!] ... the holidays are over...""</blockquote> That's what is keeping me from going to the hospital too I'm sorry mama  "</blockquote>




It's such a horrible place to be. Denial just isn't working anymore.