Alternating holidays being wasted.

So I've been broken up with my BD for some time, and last year, I took our daughter to my family for Thanksgiving. We shared her on Christmas (split the day). This Halloween I took her trick or treating. I offered Thanksgiving this year to her dad. He said yes, as I thought he would. I received an invitation to a relative's Thanksgiving dinner, and they said I could bring her if I wanted. I told them her dad is having her this year.
Her dad mentioned to me that he's NOT planning on doing anything. Avoiding his family dinners, and obviously not cooking since he can't cook anything that doesn't say add water and microwave. I don't think it's fair for me to go to a nice Thanksgiving dinner when my child is probably just going to eat spaghettios while her dad plays Call of Duty.

So I gave him two offers.

A) I could take her with me after all.

B) I could come over and cook for the three of us. Could be awkward, but better to be friendly civil and ensure they get a nice dinner, IMO.

The problem is, he keeps telling me, "I don't know. It's not Thanksgiving yet. I don't want to worry about it yet."

I just need to know whether to cancel with family, or tell them an extra member is coming, Or whether I need to budget for extra gas to drive out there or the extra food and time to actually cook if that's what's needed.

I just don't think it's fair for her to miss out on holiday festivities because he can't be arsed to come off his computer and take her to see his family once every other year.

I would take my children with me if their father was just going to sit at home.

Do you have an actual custody agreement? If not I would just tell him that if he can't make a choice and doesn't want to celebrate you'll assume you're taking her to see your family.

Quoting Jodi&Brennen+1:" I would take my children with me if their father was just going to sit at home."

As much as I agree with this (and have wanted to do the same).... it doens't look good if you have a legal agreement, or want to get one.

Quoting Nigel Thornberry:" Do you have an actual custody agreement? If not I would just tell him that if he can't make a choice and doesn't want to celebrate you'll assume you're taking her to see your family. "

We don't. We have just been trying to share and be easy on each other about it.

But smurf like THIS situation is making me want to get one.

Quoting The Doctor:" As much as I agree with this (and have wanted to do the same).... it doens't look good if you have a legal agreement, or want to get one."

That is the same instinct I have. I am aware I cannot micromanage how he spends each holiday with her, I also can't enjoy myself when my child is not having fun on a holiday.

Quoting Derpy Hooves:" That is the same instinct I have. I am aware I cannot micromanage how he spends each holiday with her, I also can't enjoy myself when my child is not having fun on a holiday."

Trust me, I feel your pain... and I'm sorry I have no advice for you.

It breaks my heart, holiday or not, when "BD" has her, but he just pawns her off to family members and I sit here like an smurf. And it's worse on holidays, or when his family members get to make her holiday memories (because BD won't) and I don't get to.

Quoting The Doctor:" Trust me, I feel your pain... and I'm sorry I have no advice for you. It breaks my heart, holiday ... [snip!] ... And it's worse on holidays, or when his family members get to make her holiday memories (because BD won't) and I don't get to."

Man, I wish our exes would wise up and realize what they are missing out on by ignoring their babies.

Quoting Derpy Hooves:" Man, I wish our exes would wise up and realize what they are missing out on by ignoring their babies."

Absolutely. <3

Quoting Derpy Hooves:" We don't. We have just been trying to share and be easy on each other about it. But smurf like THIS situation is making me want to get one."

I would definitely work on getting one. Is he adamant about having her?

Quoting Nigel Thornberry:" I would definitely work on getting one. Is he adamant about having her? "

Not sure. Every time I ask him, he just says to stop bothering him about something that's not immediate. It is getting so close, faster than he thinks.

Quoting Derpy Hooves:" Not sure. Every time I ask him, he just says to stop bothering him about something that's not immediate. It is getting so close, faster than he thinks."

I would call and tell him it's around the corner and you have to RSVP today so to make a choice.

I found out that I will be cooking for them after all.

He finally listened to reason that it's not all about him!
I grocery shopped for everything but the turkey- going to get the smallest one I can find for 3 people.

I am just glad my child is getting a decent Thanksgiving.