has it really been 3 years

As of october 22nd its been 3 years since i gave birth to my twins at 31 weeks. 1 was still born but the other was not. He survived thanks to the quickness of my doctor when he realized my water broke. I was looking at my son today and suddenly began to cry and i realozed i never allowed myself to grieve for the child i lost. I never even got to see her or hold her because i was so out of it. I look at my son and wonder what his sister would have been like, who she would have looked like, whose attitude she would have and everything. I guess i feel cheated. I love the children I have but I feel like my family is incomplete and I cant have anymore children due to health problems. I have never told anyone other than my family of my loss and i just cant hold it in anymore, its time for me to grieve my child.

wow.  

I can't believe that you never even got to hold your sweet girl. I am so, so sorry, momma. yes, grieve. let yourself.

I just always thought i needed to ne strong for my son and I think its time I let myself grieve for her. I just wish I knew why it happened and what went wrong. They only told me that my water breaking early had a part in it and that her heart just stopped. I am glad i was smart enough to listen to my body because when i got to the ER that day the doctor didnt believe me when i told him my water broke so i told them i wasnt leaving until they called my ob and had him come check me out. if i had listened to the other dr i might have lost them both.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Blanes Mommy:</b>" I just always thought i needed to ne strong for my son and I think its time I let myself grieve for her. ... [snip!] ... leaving until they called my ob and had him come check me out. if i had listened to the other dr i might have lost them both."</blockquote>

holy crap.

nice ER doc.   I am glad you trusted your instincts. at my hospital, they send you to L&D no matter what after 20 weeks for monitoring. only once they know baby is stable do they send you to ER. especially with twins, at 31 weeks, that doctor never should've doubted you. I mean, sure, it might not have been your water breaking... people can be wrong about that. but you knew something was wrong.

I'm just... just stunned for you.  

I lost my son's twin and feel the same when he reaches a milestone and I know I will when he turns a year old in 9 days. Nobody understands in my family and all either make jokes about how much twins would have cost/how much harder two is than one and some ask insensitive questions. My husband always says he doesn't feel anything for the other baby but I can't see how not. The days after I had my son, whenever he and I were alone, I would cry knowing that there should be two, not one.
I've been looking into a tattoo so even though the baby isn't here with me, I'll have something close.

Im so thankful my son was ok but i just cant stop thinking that she should be here laughing and playing and getting into things with him. people tell me i am over protective of him and my youngest but i just cant help it and unless they have lost a child they will never understand. i went to the hospital board and the doctor got fired i think. In my heart i know she might not have made it anyways but she should have at least been given a chance. When my son gets old enough should i tell him about his sister?

I have scan pictures and notes I wrote about them both and how I felt which I will talk to my son about when he is older. I don't want to forget the baby - they still existed, just went too soon.
I feel bad about this current pregnancy because I don't want to feel like I'm replacing them nor do I want to feel detached just in case something goes wrong and I lose this one too because I can't go through it all again.

<blockquote><b>Quoting MrsWilliams154:</b>" I have scan pictures and notes I wrote about them both and how I felt which I will talk to my son about ... [snip!] ... do I want to feel detached just in case something goes wrong and I lose this one too because I can't go through it all again."</blockquote>



Unfortunatly my ex husband was a complete smurf and destroyed all the scans i had except for one. I try to talk to him about her but I dont think he understands. I know how you feel about the pregnancy thing, I felt the same way when i was pregnant with my 7 month old and sometimes it still feels that way. I wonder if therapy would be a good idea especially since it has taken me so long to finally let my feelings out.

Quoting Blanes Mommy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting MrsWilliams154:</b>" I have scan pictures and notes I wrote ... [snip!] ... that way. I wonder if therapy would be a good idea especially since it has taken me so long to finally let my feelings out."

Men don't seem to understand which makes it worse. He now wants the snip because he hates me being pregnant and all the problems before but he doesn't see the whole problem.
I will probably bring it up next time I see my midwife but don't want to be monitored or put on medication. I don't think it's anything I'll ever get over - I'm more relaxed than before but when it creeps up it can just take hold of you and make you depressed which I don't want affecting my son or this baby.

<blockquote><b>Quoting MrsWilliams154:</b>" Men don't seem to understand which makes it worse. He now wants the snip because he hates me being pregnant ... [snip!] ... but when it creeps up it can just take hold of you and make you depressed which I don't want affecting my son or this baby."</blockquote>


Thats what happened to me. before i just wouldnt allow myself to think about it and then today Blane was telling me his ABCs and it just all of a sudden hit me that she should be doing the same thing right now. Now all of the sudden I just cant stop thinking about her. I am just now feeling everything i should have been feeling a long time ago. To top it off my ex husband hasnt had anything to do with our son since he was born 3 years ago. I am glad my current husband has raised him for the last 2 years. He(my current husband) knows all about alexis and tries to talk to me about her but until tonight I just havent been able to. Its just nice to finally get ot off my chest and feel like I have some sort of closour( not sure if i spelled that right) and to have people to talk to that understand how I feel.

im so sorry love.


but its a ''must'' to take your time to get past it...

if you need someone to listen, someone that kinda understands, you can OM me whenever you want

<blockquote><b>Quoting -C.Lit- :</b>" im so sorry love. but its a ''must'' to take your time to get past it... if you need someone to listen, someone that kinda understands, you can OM me whenever you want"</blockquote>


Thank you so much. I feel so much better just talking about it. I know that since i have just begun the healing.process I still have ways to go. Its just nice to have people to talk to about it.