re: Step-parent discipline differences

I have a stepdad and he was the "go ask your mom" "I have to let your mom know" type of guy. He used preventive discipline when he was the only one home. Let my mom deal with corrective discipline always.

I really appreciated that, and I think that is the way it should be.

You have to sit down with them and discuss what's ok and what's not ok for BOTH kids because he has to treat both the exact same.My stepdaughter lives with us 50/50 usually, her mom lives in the states with her boyfriend (they have 2 kids together, younger than my stepdaughter) and they spank her.. which my boyfriend (her father) completely disagrees with but their argument is if they choose to spank the younger two then they have to spank her as well to make it all fair... its a mess and when there are so many 'parents' sometimes.. basically my boyfriend told her step-dad that if he ever laid another hand on his daughter he'd fly over there and give HIM a spanking LOL. I really hope you two come to a happy place.. its really not easy.

Have you talked to him about it? He may genuinely think he is demonstrating good parenting skills. I don't know exactly what he's doing wrong, obviously, but I do know that when Tommy came home from deployment after being gone for the whole beginning of toddlerhood (when TONS of discipline choices had to be made by ME alone) he would be too lenient, or too strict off an on... He didn't really know HOW to parent anything other than an infant. Think about it, we ALL figure out how to parent with trial and error, maybe he honestly thinks it's a good contrast for her, or he really does think he's benefiting her, ya know? I'd just explain to him how YOU see it, and how M probably sees it... Hopefully he will be understanding and not get defensive. Which will be very difficult. I know my DH was very defensive when I tried to critique his parenting style when he came home. He would try things I'd ALREADY tried with our son, he just wasn't there to see me try them. He didn't understand WHY that didn't work with him, or WHY I chose to do things a different way. It needed to be explained. It was difficult for him to hear, but it did need to be said and it eventually got easier.

She's your child so you have all the say. Your way has worked this long and she is a great kid. All kids test limits, its in their nature. Micromanaging will only make her feel overwhelmed.

Quoting Mama MacGyver*:" Have you talked to him about it? He may genuinely think he is demonstrating good parenting skills. I ... [snip!] ... way. It needed to be explained. It was difficult for him to hear, but it did need to be said and it eventually got easier."

I tried to talk today and he jumped down my throat and argued with everything i said.

Quoting OmegaDucks!:" She's your child so you have all the say. Your way has worked this long and she is a great kid. All kids test limits, its in their nature. Micromanaging will only make her feel overwhelmed."

It KILLS me   I know how bad it is for her to.

Quoting TantricLemons:" I tried to talk today and he jumped down my throat and argued with everything i said."

He had the balls to argue with you on how to discipline YOUR kid? Yikes. That is not his say. I would be livid. He's in for quite a surprise when his daughter hits that age. Luckily it's not too far away, hopefully he will learn. He is a new father, new parents are always more uptight. As the kids get older, parents generally relax more and since he will grow with your guys new baby, he will start to understand more, hopefully.

It's my kid & there's no way anyone is doing something different from me. It'd maybe be different if he was there since birth but dude... no.

Quoting TantricLemons:" It KILLS me   I know how bad it is for her to."

Awe.   I hope he calms down with this.

I would give him a nice hard kick in the ass out the door. I will not even allow my husband to disrespect OUR child. I spend the most time with the kids therefore the final decisions in how they are disciplined is up to me. Also I have done way more research on child-raising. He has nothing to challenge me with. If it were a step parent I cant say what I would do as I have never been there. But I will tell you whaty mom did. she let a man disrespect me and never intervened. You have seen how smurfed up our relationship is, all I can do is encourage you to not let that happen.