my story.. long *
277 postsposted 29th May
i was so hoping to never need to post in a forum like this, but here i am.
My name is Cat, i'm 21 from MA. been with my bf for over a year & a half and this was the 1st pregnancy for either of us.
I missed my period the week of march 20, took apregnancy test on march 28th and it was positive. i didn't want kids but once i got over the shock, i was excited.
Everything started off fine, i went to a clinic in FL where my bf lives to confirm the pregnancy and have an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks at this time and everything seemed fine, we saw the heartbeat and everything. My due date was given as December 4th. I had already started getting sick before then and it continued the whole time (still experiencing it). I didn't have insurance at the time, but free ins is offered in MA for pregnant women so i was waiting to be approved. I finally was and made my 1st appt and it was for june 2nd. I left for fl 2 visit my bf on may 21st and had started seeing pink streaks when i wiped that day. It stopped and i didn't really worry as i've heard that's totally normal. It started again the next day and increased a little from there. it was only when i went pee and was mostly brown and dark. no cramping so no panic yet. this continued until i came home on the 27, occasionally getting a little worse, sometimes better, sometimes small clots, sometimes barely anything. it was the holiday weekend and couldn't see my dr from 1500 miles away so as soon as i go tback i called. They said to come in today at 1:45 so they could see what was going on. i had myself convinced i lost the baby and had been thinking that for a few days at that point. the friday before i left for fl i just had this bad feeling something was wrong but brushed it off as hormones since there was seemingly nothing wrong, no problems or anything.
i went to work this morning at 4 and it was just me & one of my good friends, told her what was going on & that i needed to leave early and stuff.. she ended up finding out her fiance is cheating again and was on the phone fighting with him when i went in the bathroom to pee.. well when i did there was just like clumps and clumps of this like pink-ish gray-ish stuff (which i heard is what fetal tissue looks like) and i absolutely broke down. i started crying histerically and called my mom ( this was around 5:15am) and she told me to call my dr even though they were closed and there would be an option on there to talk to someone. so i do, and i get this lady and tell her what's going on and her response is "well i don't know you'll have to call back after 8 or just wait until your appointment" i couldn't even believe my ears. i hung up on her and called my mom back crying even harder. so we decided when someone else came in i was leaving and we were going to the er. well my friend told me to just go she'd be fine alone so i left. i called my bf when i got in the car and told him what was happening. got home, changed, and my sister wanted to take me so we left. got there around 6:15, they put me in a room right away.. took my bp a few times and stuff, they had the nurse try to find a heartbeat, and she said she was horrible at it so don't panic if she didn't find anything, she tried for a few but gave up cuz she said she was horrible at it and didn't wanna scare me. so then i had to wait for the dr. he finally came, listened to my breathing, pushed on my stomach a little, told me they were gunna take blood and send me to ultrasound then see from there. so the girl came and took blood, a few mins later someone came to take me for the ultrasound. i had already convinced myself that i lost the baby so i wasn't expecting to see anything on it.. and i was right. there was nothing visible in there at all. he did the transvaginal one too, and i still saw nothing. i couldn't even look i turned my head away and just pretended i was looking. then they sent me back to the room.. and i sat there and waited for 3 hours before anyone said a word to me. i had just seen the ultrasound and knew there was nothing there, and they just leave me there. i felt like getting up and leaving, i obviously knew i lost the baby so why do i have to sit here and wait, what the hell. finally 3 hours later the dr comes in and tells me what i already knew. "well the baby died" those were his exact words. and then he says "it's been dead in there for at least 3 weeks" so now i'm thinking omg 3 weeks wtf. then he goes "i already made the appointment for you, you have to go across the st to the ob/gyn office and have a d&c right now." and that's all he tells me, he leaves, they take more blood, then tell me to go over there. so now i'm absolutely terrified, i wasn't prepared for that. and the way he told me everything was like so insensitive and like it shouldn't bother me. this is why i HATE male drs. they don't f**king get it !
so now it's after 11am as i'm walking over there i call my bf and tell him what's going on, and he just keeps saying he's sorry, i'm like babe it's not your fault and he's like i know i just don't know what else to say. and i could tell by his voice he was just as crushed as i was. so then i call my mom and tell her. and then we go in. by this time i'm shaking i'm so scared i was fighting back the tears harder than i ever had before. the nurse calls me in and weighs me, brings me in a room and asks me a few questions, takes my blood pressure and then the dr comes in. she starts talking to me and then asks me if i want them to bring my sister in while we talk, she'd been there all day in the er with me through everything so i said yes please. so she came in and the lady was explaining to me what was going on.
she said i had 2 options, i could wait and see if everything passes on it's own, which she didn't reccomend, or we could do the d&e (the dr wasn't even saying the right procedure the moron, there's a difference). she had asked if i had been to the dr at all and i said no just the ultrasound i had at 6 weeks, today was my 13 week mark,and she said well after that ultrasound, the baby stopped developing. what they found on the ultrasound is measuring at 6 weeks. so right after my ultrasound is when my baby died. she said that my placenta kept growing, totally unaware that the baby wasn't. and that's why i was sick and always had to pee and all the other symptoms. my placenta apparently didn't acknowledge the fact the baby died, and continued growing and stuff like nothing was wrong. she said the problem was obviously with the baby not me, since my body is still doing what it's supposed to. there was something wrong with the baby right from the start and it never grew after we saw it that day. so the last 7 weeks have all been like a sick joke on me, all the sickness and everything else. but she was asking me questions and stuff, and she's like it's obvious that you really wanted this baby and i know this is heartbreaking but it wasn't your fault something was not right from the beginning and there's nothing you could have done. and she said i didn't stop getting sick and stuff becuz my body still thinks i'm pregnant. which she said is why she really thinks i need to do the d&e because my body hasn't miscarried yet and it's not necessarily going to anytime soon and it can make me really sick if it stays in there. and as much as it scares me and how much it hurts me emotionally i know i need to do it, no question about it. so i sign the paper and stuff saying i'm going. and it's scheduled for tomorrow. so that stupid dr scared the shit out of me for no reason. made me think i was going over there to have it done right there and then. a**hole. but then she explained to me what's going to happen tomorrow, which made me feel better about it, even though i know what a d&e is, she's really nice and it just made me feel better. even though i'm still absolutely terrified. and she said if i need anything, have any questions, start cramping or bleeding excessively to call her and she'll meet me right at the er and i won't have to wait they'll take me right away. otherwise my appt is at 1 tomorrow afternoon, have to be thereat 11at the hospital i was at today.
so all my bad feelings were justified, i just had no idea it was to that extent. it just really kills me to think that all that time being sick and everything, and i had no idea what happened to the poor baby. i wish i had gotten to the dr before but in a way i'm kind of glad i didn't go until i had started bleeding because at least once i started bleeding i thought something might be wrong. i'm so glad i didn't go into the dr thinking everything was fine, having no reason to think anything was wrong, and found out that i had lost the baby with no warning, i don't think i could have handled that.
i sympathize witheveryone herewho has ever had a m/c or lost a child because i now know how it feels and it is definately the worst kind of pain imaginable. i don't care how bad a breakup is, how bad a relationship ends, this kind of heartbreak is the worst kind possible, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. it's the most horrible thing i've ever experienced, and i've been through a lot, and i don't think anything could ever compare to this.
funny how you can go your whole life never wanting kids, until that 1st time you get pregnant, and everything changes. i never wanted anything more than i wanted this baby once i knew it was there, but i know it was obviously not meant to be right now and i honestly can't wait until the time it is meant to be. i loved this baby more than i ever thought possible while i had it, and i look forward to the next baby i can give that kind of love to.
obviously this isn't completely over for me yet, and i'm sure i'll be posting around here to help cope. the advice and support of the girls on here has helped me so much, and i'm so thankful for finding this site. it's so great to know there's somewhere you can go for any question or concern, or just for a friend to talk to. and i know i'll be back on here as a mommy to be in the future. hopefully soon.. i may not be a mommy to beright now, but i'm definately sticking around.
RIP to our little angel due dec 4th* who's wings were given between april 11th & april 17th, just days after our first peek at you. mommy and daddy love you & will always miss you.
quoteMy name is Cat, i'm 21 from MA. been with my bf for over a year & a half and this was the 1st pregnancy for either of us.
I missed my period the week of march 20, took apregnancy test on march 28th and it was positive. i didn't want kids but once i got over the shock, i was excited.
Everything started off fine, i went to a clinic in FL where my bf lives to confirm the pregnancy and have an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks at this time and everything seemed fine, we saw the heartbeat and everything. My due date was given as December 4th. I had already started getting sick before then and it continued the whole time (still experiencing it). I didn't have insurance at the time, but free ins is offered in MA for pregnant women so i was waiting to be approved. I finally was and made my 1st appt and it was for june 2nd. I left for fl 2 visit my bf on may 21st and had started seeing pink streaks when i wiped that day. It stopped and i didn't really worry as i've heard that's totally normal. It started again the next day and increased a little from there. it was only when i went pee and was mostly brown and dark. no cramping so no panic yet. this continued until i came home on the 27, occasionally getting a little worse, sometimes better, sometimes small clots, sometimes barely anything. it was the holiday weekend and couldn't see my dr from 1500 miles away so as soon as i go tback i called. They said to come in today at 1:45 so they could see what was going on. i had myself convinced i lost the baby and had been thinking that for a few days at that point. the friday before i left for fl i just had this bad feeling something was wrong but brushed it off as hormones since there was seemingly nothing wrong, no problems or anything.
i went to work this morning at 4 and it was just me & one of my good friends, told her what was going on & that i needed to leave early and stuff.. she ended up finding out her fiance is cheating again and was on the phone fighting with him when i went in the bathroom to pee.. well when i did there was just like clumps and clumps of this like pink-ish gray-ish stuff (which i heard is what fetal tissue looks like) and i absolutely broke down. i started crying histerically and called my mom ( this was around 5:15am) and she told me to call my dr even though they were closed and there would be an option on there to talk to someone. so i do, and i get this lady and tell her what's going on and her response is "well i don't know you'll have to call back after 8 or just wait until your appointment" i couldn't even believe my ears. i hung up on her and called my mom back crying even harder. so we decided when someone else came in i was leaving and we were going to the er. well my friend told me to just go she'd be fine alone so i left. i called my bf when i got in the car and told him what was happening. got home, changed, and my sister wanted to take me so we left. got there around 6:15, they put me in a room right away.. took my bp a few times and stuff, they had the nurse try to find a heartbeat, and she said she was horrible at it so don't panic if she didn't find anything, she tried for a few but gave up cuz she said she was horrible at it and didn't wanna scare me. so then i had to wait for the dr. he finally came, listened to my breathing, pushed on my stomach a little, told me they were gunna take blood and send me to ultrasound then see from there. so the girl came and took blood, a few mins later someone came to take me for the ultrasound. i had already convinced myself that i lost the baby so i wasn't expecting to see anything on it.. and i was right. there was nothing visible in there at all. he did the transvaginal one too, and i still saw nothing. i couldn't even look i turned my head away and just pretended i was looking. then they sent me back to the room.. and i sat there and waited for 3 hours before anyone said a word to me. i had just seen the ultrasound and knew there was nothing there, and they just leave me there. i felt like getting up and leaving, i obviously knew i lost the baby so why do i have to sit here and wait, what the hell. finally 3 hours later the dr comes in and tells me what i already knew. "well the baby died" those were his exact words. and then he says "it's been dead in there for at least 3 weeks" so now i'm thinking omg 3 weeks wtf. then he goes "i already made the appointment for you, you have to go across the st to the ob/gyn office and have a d&c right now." and that's all he tells me, he leaves, they take more blood, then tell me to go over there. so now i'm absolutely terrified, i wasn't prepared for that. and the way he told me everything was like so insensitive and like it shouldn't bother me. this is why i HATE male drs. they don't f**king get it !
so now it's after 11am as i'm walking over there i call my bf and tell him what's going on, and he just keeps saying he's sorry, i'm like babe it's not your fault and he's like i know i just don't know what else to say. and i could tell by his voice he was just as crushed as i was. so then i call my mom and tell her. and then we go in. by this time i'm shaking i'm so scared i was fighting back the tears harder than i ever had before. the nurse calls me in and weighs me, brings me in a room and asks me a few questions, takes my blood pressure and then the dr comes in. she starts talking to me and then asks me if i want them to bring my sister in while we talk, she'd been there all day in the er with me through everything so i said yes please. so she came in and the lady was explaining to me what was going on.
she said i had 2 options, i could wait and see if everything passes on it's own, which she didn't reccomend, or we could do the d&e (the dr wasn't even saying the right procedure the moron, there's a difference). she had asked if i had been to the dr at all and i said no just the ultrasound i had at 6 weeks, today was my 13 week mark,and she said well after that ultrasound, the baby stopped developing. what they found on the ultrasound is measuring at 6 weeks. so right after my ultrasound is when my baby died. she said that my placenta kept growing, totally unaware that the baby wasn't. and that's why i was sick and always had to pee and all the other symptoms. my placenta apparently didn't acknowledge the fact the baby died, and continued growing and stuff like nothing was wrong. she said the problem was obviously with the baby not me, since my body is still doing what it's supposed to. there was something wrong with the baby right from the start and it never grew after we saw it that day. so the last 7 weeks have all been like a sick joke on me, all the sickness and everything else. but she was asking me questions and stuff, and she's like it's obvious that you really wanted this baby and i know this is heartbreaking but it wasn't your fault something was not right from the beginning and there's nothing you could have done. and she said i didn't stop getting sick and stuff becuz my body still thinks i'm pregnant. which she said is why she really thinks i need to do the d&e because my body hasn't miscarried yet and it's not necessarily going to anytime soon and it can make me really sick if it stays in there. and as much as it scares me and how much it hurts me emotionally i know i need to do it, no question about it. so i sign the paper and stuff saying i'm going. and it's scheduled for tomorrow. so that stupid dr scared the shit out of me for no reason. made me think i was going over there to have it done right there and then. a**hole. but then she explained to me what's going to happen tomorrow, which made me feel better about it, even though i know what a d&e is, she's really nice and it just made me feel better. even though i'm still absolutely terrified. and she said if i need anything, have any questions, start cramping or bleeding excessively to call her and she'll meet me right at the er and i won't have to wait they'll take me right away. otherwise my appt is at 1 tomorrow afternoon, have to be thereat 11at the hospital i was at today.
so all my bad feelings were justified, i just had no idea it was to that extent. it just really kills me to think that all that time being sick and everything, and i had no idea what happened to the poor baby. i wish i had gotten to the dr before but in a way i'm kind of glad i didn't go until i had started bleeding because at least once i started bleeding i thought something might be wrong. i'm so glad i didn't go into the dr thinking everything was fine, having no reason to think anything was wrong, and found out that i had lost the baby with no warning, i don't think i could have handled that.
i sympathize witheveryone herewho has ever had a m/c or lost a child because i now know how it feels and it is definately the worst kind of pain imaginable. i don't care how bad a breakup is, how bad a relationship ends, this kind of heartbreak is the worst kind possible, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. it's the most horrible thing i've ever experienced, and i've been through a lot, and i don't think anything could ever compare to this.
funny how you can go your whole life never wanting kids, until that 1st time you get pregnant, and everything changes. i never wanted anything more than i wanted this baby once i knew it was there, but i know it was obviously not meant to be right now and i honestly can't wait until the time it is meant to be. i loved this baby more than i ever thought possible while i had it, and i look forward to the next baby i can give that kind of love to.
obviously this isn't completely over for me yet, and i'm sure i'll be posting around here to help cope. the advice and support of the girls on here has helped me so much, and i'm so thankful for finding this site. it's so great to know there's somewhere you can go for any question or concern, or just for a friend to talk to. and i know i'll be back on here as a mommy to be in the future. hopefully soon.. i may not be a mommy to beright now, but i'm definately sticking around.
RIP to our little angel due dec 4th* who's wings were given between april 11th & april 17th, just days after our first peek at you. mommy and daddy love you & will always miss you.
I have 1 angel baby & live in Massachusetts
1628 postsposted 29th May
Aw honey, I am really sorry. God Bless you and your angel.
quoteI have 1 child & live in North Dakota
8126 postsposted 29th May
Omg hun. I am so so sorry. I hope everything gets better. I can't imagine what you're going through but we're all here for support.
quoteI'm due December 25th (a girl) & live in Colorado
517 postsposted 29th May
i am soo sorry..i hope everything gets better...if you need to talk im here for you..
quoteI have 1 child & live in Pennsylvania
2088 posts
829 postsposted 29th May
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but I'm glad that this pregnancy changed your mind about children. They are truly wonderful and a blessing, and I know you will be a wonderful mommy when the time is right! And when it is, you all will have at least one angel looking over you!
quoteI have 1 child & live in Stedman, North Carolina
2761 postsposted 29th May
Quoting * CAT *:“ i was so hoping to never need to post in a forum like this, but here i am. My name is Cat, i'm 21 from ... [snip!] ... april 11th & april 17th, just days after our first peek at you. mommy and daddy love you & will always miss you.”
I am sorry for your loss! It might not seem like it now but it will get easier......don't expect it to go away but the pain gets less with time.
I'm TTC since February '08, have 2 angel babies & live in Houston, Texas
2765 postsposted 29th May
im very sorry for your loss
but your doc was correct in calling it a D&C. its dilation and curettage.
ive had 2 losses so i feel your pain, and again, im sorry. my only advice is to keep talking and keep crying as long as you need to. dont let anyone tell you how long is "okay" to grieve. its all what YOU feel is right.
quotebut your doc was correct in calling it a D&C. its dilation and curettage.
ive had 2 losses so i feel your pain, and again, im sorry. my only advice is to keep talking and keep crying as long as you need to. dont let anyone tell you how long is "okay" to grieve. its all what YOU feel is right.
I'm TTC since August '08, have 1 child & 2 angel babies & live in Wilmington, Massachusetts
1945 postsposted 29th May
im sorry you had to go through this.... i also had a very similar experience when i was 19 and i still think about the baby i lost,..... it changes you inside.... but you sound so strong, you will make it. it seems like putting it into words makes it even more real, something i never could do until recently. you are a very strong person. good luck in the future.
quoteI have 2 kids & live in Cleveland, Tennessee
1826 postsposted 29th May
Quoting * CAT *:“ i was so hoping to never need to post in a forum like this, but here i am. My name is Cat, i'm 21 from ... [snip!] ... april 11th & april 17th, just days after our first peek at you. mommy and daddy love you & will always miss you.”Oh honey I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling right now. I have also had a miscarraige. The pain dulls after time. You never forget but day to day life DOES get easier. You will be a mommy again!!!! Stay strong for your man. I can tell you right now that he needs you too. I neglected mine and I didn't realise how much he was hurting. If you ever need to talk then I'm here and you can always PM me. Good luck!!
I'm TTC since August '08, have 1 child & 1 angel baby & live in Brooksville, Florida
1078 postsposted 29th May
Your story is so sad, I'm holfing back tears right now. You are so much stronger than me, I dont know how I'd be coping right now if I were you. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
quoteI have 1 child & live in Maine
263 postsposted 29th May
I'm really sorry about this hapening to you!!
One day you will be a great mommy.
goodluck with everything and I hope you feel better soon
quoteOne day you will be a great mommy.
goodluck with everything and I hope you feel better soon
I have 1 child & live in Australia
493 postsposted 29th May
im sooo sorry. i know i have never went through this but if you ever need any one to talk to im here.
quoteI have 1 child & live in Ohio
9813 postsposted 29th May
I'm so sorry you have to go through something like this. I hope everything goes smoothly for you tomorrow.
quoteI'm due February 26th, have 2 kids & live in Jacksonville, Florida
315 postsposted 29th May
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your boyfriend will be in my thoughts. You sound like a strong woman, and I wish good people like you didn't have to go through pain like that. I'm so sorry.
quoteI'm due December 28th & live in Maryland
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