is anybody out there?... :(
posted 9th Nov
I've been bottling up all these emotions for too long and am feeling very depressed and alone. I don't want to burden you all with my troubles as I know you all have your own. Please if you can't deal with any more of other people pain do not read on.
I think I need to finally get this out before I randomly fall apart sometime somewhere very inappropriately.. *sigh* so hereís my journey.
Since I was 12 years old I've always had reallllly bad periods (curled in a ball throwing up fighting conciseness) and always assumed I'd never be able to handle pregnancy. I'd had my entire adolescent years to come to terms with this and I was fine with it. When I was almost 18 I had an unwelcome run in with someone that ended in pregnancy. Surprisingly everything went great - she came out a month and a half early but was perfectly healthy. I wasn't allowed to keep her and had my miracle baby ripped away from me.
I got an IUD put in at my 6 week check up and a year and a 1/2 later (was supposed to be good for 5 yrs) my body started trying to expel it. After a while I figured out what was going on and got it removed.
Several years later I met my husband and we decided we would like children. We had some difficulty getting pregnant and I became pretty depressed wondering if I'd lost the only baby I'd ever have, if it was somehow my fault, if the IUD had scratched up my insides and I wouldn't be able to give my bf a baby (yada yada, anyone whoís had difficulties knows all the thoughts)
We eventually did get pregnant but it ended up be chemical (the heartless medical way of saying you lost a baby before it showed up on a test - which for me is never before 6 weeks) I was very upset but the following month we conceived again. I was very nervous this time around and wasn't able to enjoy being pregnant at all because I was constantly worried we'd lose it. We told his family but asked them to keep it secret until the 2nd trimester just in case anything went wrong - my 2bmil was pretty callous about the one we lost saying it wasn't meant to be and god blah blah (I was still upset about our loss but shrugged off her comment because we'd lost it so early and conceived again) - (side note I am not saying length of pregnancy or a new pregnancy makes a previous miscarriage any less horrible!!! It was my first miscarriage and I was able to.... dismiss my pain a little better) at any rate not a week after telling his family the whole f*in town knew about our pregnancy *angry face*
That pregnancy (though a horrible pregnancy in itself..was in the hospital most of it) ended with a blue baby boy. It was the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen and didn't even process immediately Thankfully we had a really good doctor and he got him breathing! He ended up having colic but otherwise being fine!
We wanted two children so they could grow up together, taking into consideration how bad my pregnancy was with our son we decided it would be best if we had them close together. We were waiting until the fall so I could enjoy a summer between the pregnancies. We ended up having a surprise (chemical) pregnancy in the spring and another during the summer. We had another (chemical) after we started trying again. We didn't tell anybody about theses ones (what was the point, no one cared)
Then we got pregnant again and it got further than any of our other miscarriages! I dared to hope! I was overjoyed! I read up every day on how my little womb fruit was doing - It had a heartbeat and (imo) a soul; than we lost it (story below) we went to tell his mom we were engaged; she assumed we were pregnant as they all know we were trying. I told her we were but we lost it. Her response? 'Oh well, you lost one before peter to.' any guess why she doesn't know about all the other children we lost?? *sigh* still peeved and hurt about that..
my last miscarriage was aug 10th......the 8th I took the test (though I'd known for weeks as I'd had ovulation AND implantation spotting) the 9th my husband and I decided to get married the 10th I started miscarrying.... I was devastated! I'd been so happy and excited, I wanted to shout from rooftops and tell the whole world....I started making a memory chess for (Iím assuming based on dates of copulation) her and have a baby book 1/3 filled out for her.....I haven't been able to look at any of it since I started miscarrying.
I'd presented my bf with a miniature treasure chest that contained the positive test, and we agreed not to spread the news until after his uncles wedding in another 2 weeks (I was approx. 6 1/2 weeks then) Two days later I was on the phone sharing the exciting news with my best friend. I had some (very minor) cramping while talking to her but didn't think anything of it. As I hung up the phone I felt myself pass (sorry about description) a large mucus blob with what looked like a bloody center I went totally numb and the only thought that went through my head was 'Oh no..'
I swiped it up with a tissue and balled it up in through it in the garbage - my baby...tossed into the trash this action still bothers me to this day; but what was I supposed to do?? *sigh* :'(
Not long after I started spotting, which by the time my bf got home had turned into period-like bleeding. I told him about it and we drove to the library to do some research, by that night I was having labour like pains and gushing blood - this lasted 3 days straight and I almost OD'd on painkillers. After the 3 days the cramping subsided and the blood flow returned to a period-like level for another 3 days. After I stopped bleeding I took another hpt and it was negative.
I'm not sure why this one is affecting me so much more than all the others.....maybe because it was so much more to endure, maybe because I'd had 'proof' first, maybe because it was far enough along to have a soul and be more 'real'....maybe just because I'd lost so many before her and she was the last straw...I can't seem to get over it
My husband and I were having a philosophical talk in bed one night about existence and the circle of life and how things come to be and not be and what happens before life and after death and all that....under a theory that closely mimics quantum mechanics we were speculating that a soul can only exist for so long before it gets over used and worn out and just pops back out of existence. I don't know why but for some reason the thought that the soul gifted to our baby just ran outta light is much more comforting than our babyís soul still had time and was just ripped away from us and sent back into the abyss for recycling..... of course this is going on the assumption that all the baby's building blocks had been falling together properly, perhaps her little heart never did in fact start beating and none of our (for lack of better wording) baby-shells were granted souls?... *sigh* idk Iím just having such a hard time
So where are we currently? Pregnant. All seems to be ok, though we can't get a consistent answer on how far along we are, and have no idea when we can breathe a sigh of relief and start spreading the news. I was beyond devastated after our last miscarriage but I knew we wanted the kids close together so we kept ttc. We didn't have a real period after the miscarriage so I was sent for a dating ultrasound, the tech and radiologist both got different dates off the same ultrasound and neither matches up with my symptoms.
On a happy/ hopeful note we heard the babyís heartbeat via Doppler this week. I'm a little concerned that the ultrasound dates are so far behind where s/he should be but my Dr.'s agreed to let me come in every two weeks to check for the heartbeat.
*fingers crossed* for both this baby and all you ladies out there!!
One last concern? (Going on the faithful hope all will be well and we'll make it to viability) I lost ALOT of blood birthing our son...I'm kinda scared I won't make it.
My sister lost two babies (full term) and had the same thing happen to her (almost didn't make it). I'm really kinda scared.
I birthed both my live babies naturally and medicine free. Only interventions were my waters had to be broke both times, and with my son one of the Dr.'s stripped my membranes (though I hadnít wanted her to). My daughter I had no complications with (is was 18 ) my son (I was 24) when I was in labour I was massively overheating (my attended were constantly running for cool cloths and couldnít get my temp down) than almost immediately after I had him I was freezing (the nurses put 5 of the heated blankets on me and I couldnít warm up and like I said I lost a lot of blood and he wasnít breathing.
I've always steered far far away from medical interventions cause 9 times outta 10 they do more harm than good, but I was wondering if (assuming we get that far) it would be beneficial to consider an elective c-section this time?
I just want our little family of four to be happy and healthy and alive :s I'm so scared and worried n really don't know what to do with myself.
Thanks for listening ladies. I wish you all the best with your journeys as well!
posted 9th Nov
Oh wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that mama I will pray for you and for a healthy pregnancy.quote
I have 1 child & live in Iowa
posted 9th Nov
I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through
I dont really know much I can say because I've only recently experienced(maybe) my first ever ending in a chemical...
Crossing fingers and tossing some sticky dust your way
posted 9th Nov
posted 9th Nov
you have been through a lot and I hope that everything goes well for you and your children..I can't believe your mother in law would say something like that, that's just cruel. I hope you the best and that you and your children are happy and healthy.quote
posted 9th Nov
wow thats horrible i wish u luck !!!! and were due a couple of days apart quote
posted 9th Nov
Ur story reads so mich like my own. I have had 20+ pregnancys and have 1 9yr old son and our second is on the way. Its so hard dealing with the oses and this pregnancy, even though its not been bad, has been an emotional rollercoaster. Ive worried about losing him or something going wrong at delivery time. Still at 33wks 3dys i worry. I would definitely talk to ur doc about a c-section, he will know better if that will help with blood loss. Ill be having a second c-section with this baby and then im having a hystorectomy, bothe because i cant handle another loss and i have endometriosis bad. I also have a heartless mil. With our last 2 pregnancys she said she would pray something happened so we wouldnt have the babies. She has yet to ask anything about this baby and is not welcome around us right now. U r not alone in these things. Im here if u need an ear.quote
posted 9th Nov
First, let me say how sorry I am for all your losses. Secondly, talk to your doctor about them, it's very important. They can test you for all sorts of problems and issues that might identify why you've lost so many. Also talk to your doctor about you're concern for bleeding - I know I've had two c-sections, and both times I bled much more than they expected and on the second one they had to stop the surgery (after the baby was out) because I was bleeding too much. If the doctors are aware of the problem, they may test you to make sure you don't have any issues. Good luck!quote
I have 2 kids & 3 angel babies & live in Ohio