I don't know who else to ask...

My fiance's mom has never been a big part of his life...due to massive alcoholism...I've met her 4 times in the years we've been together and she's met our daughter 2 times...both of which she was stinking drunk. Basically she wasn't mom of the year and didn't care about much beside where her next bottle of vodka would come from.

The last month she's been in the hospital because to no one's surprise her liver has failed completely. She was up and down, better then worse, coherent then out of it. This morning, she passed away.

SO doesn't seem upset at all. No emotions whatsoever. I don't really know how to handle this because I'm close with both my parents and just the thought of losing them sends me into a panic. It also breaks me heart that my daughter never got the chance to get to know a sober grandma Robyn. The most SO will say is "She taught me how to be a good parent by simply showing me how to be the smurffiest one possible and I guess for that I owe her."

My big problem is...I think the right thing to do is attend the funeral and say goodbye. He says he's not going. Zoey's too young to understand or remember what's going on but I think if he doesn't at least get some closure he's going to forever have this bitterness inside him and I don't want that. I want him to be able to know she wasn't the best mother and did a terrible job but also that she was his MOM...and no one's perfect.

Should I push this issue or let it be?

It's really not your decision to make. I would let him be. If he needs closure one day, he can still get that. Attending a funeral isn't the only way to accomplish that for him.

I wouldn't push him. He is going to grieve in his own way

That is a REALLY hard one. He may regret not going but I don't think I would push the matter. It sounds like the anger and resentment are strong and it will just cause a fight.

Just let it be a don't have a realtionship with my donor he is not a good person it's more difficult for someone to understand whose parents were decent my sisters husband had difficulty till he seen first hand what we were talking about. My hubby supports me my child will never know he exists for their own sake and to protect them just et him deal with it his own way

You know, alcoholism is one of the worst illnesses out there. Yes, I feel it's an illness just as I do any addiction. His life is not something you understand unless you have lived it. So I would not "push" the issue at all because I guarantee you as the Son of an addict, he has thought when this day would come so mentally, he has sort of prepared himself for this. However, having said that this might hit him like a ton of bricks at a later time and all you can do is be that shoulder and support he needs.

Poor lady and your poor SO. What a tragic situation.

Quoting Mel & a girl named Pey:" That is a REALLY hard one. He may regret not going but I don't think I would push the matter. It sounds like the anger and resentment are strong and it will just cause a fight."

Agreed, why I've only asked once and said okay. I don't want a fight, I'm just trying to help him down the road. Regret is a tough thing to deal with. But, you ladies are probably right, I should let him make his own decision.

Other question, his father is asking to bring Zoey to the funeral...should I let her go? I think it might be a little confusing and traumatic for a 14 month old.

Quoting ModernMan'sHustle ♥:" Agreed, why I've only asked once and said okay. I don't want a fight, I'm just trying to help him down ... [snip!] ... to bring Zoey to the funeral...should I let her go? I think it might be a little confusing and traumatic for a 14 month old."

No
Personally if my child attends a funeral he will be with me and his Father. That isn't something you just "take a kid to".

don't push him

my father was not father of the year. i hated him with passion for the majority of my life.
he passed away back in 08 in our home country.
i was sad, cause well he was my father whether i liked it or not and my mother still loved him. I was also pregnant at the time.

anyways, i never got the chance to say good bye. my uncles push that one day i should go to my home country and go visit his grave but i can't. Although i forgave him for what he did to us, i feel nothing. He is more like a stranger to me. when my mother and siblings talk about him, its like they are speaking to me about a stranger. Sometimes i don't consider him my father.

Quoting Just Ames:" You know, alcoholism is one of the worst illnesses out there. Yes, I feel it's an illness just as I do ... [snip!] ... a later time and all you can do is be that shoulder and support he needs. Poor lady and your poor SO. What a tragic situation."

I know the terribleness of alcoholism. My step father is a raging drunk with 6 DUIs and put a woman in a coma when he hit her head on one night. I definitely didn't have to live through it but I know he's been mentally prepared. He's actually told me before. I just didn't know whether the right thing to do would be to push the issue or let it rest. But I'm gunna take all of your advice and let it go. If he needs to grieve down the road, I'll be there then the same as I am now.

Quoting ModernMan'sHustle ♥:" Agreed, why I've only asked once and said okay. I don't want a fight, I'm just trying to help him down ... [snip!] ... to bring Zoey to the funeral...should I let her go? I think it might be a little confusing and traumatic for a 14 month old."

Men think differently than we do. My husband rarely talks about his mom who passed when he was 18 and he was close to her. I don't push it...I might ask a question here or there but when he wants to talk he does. He doesn't really talk about our baby girls we lost in 2007. Men just process things differently...especially when anger is involved.

Quoting Just Ames:" No Personally if my child attends a funeral he will be with me and his Father. That isn't something you just "take a kid to"."

Agreed. He wants me to go with him but I don't personally feel right attending a funeral of a woman I didn't know and my daughter didn't know. I said no right off the bat and SO got mad. He thinks that it'll help his father deal with the loss if he has his grandbaby. I still think it's not appropriate.