adoption situation-would like peoples 2cent worth

Ok, bear with me I promise I have a point sorry this is long
my oldest is 3 and she's from my first marriage. I got divorced when I was 4 months pregnant with her because of his cheating and I didn't want her to grow up thinking its ok for a man to disrespect her like that. Anyways I always gave him opportunity to be involved like I pretty much forced him to be in her life the first year. He was there for her birth, I drove her 45 min to see him at least once every 3 months or so for him to see her, I tried letting him live in the guest room so he could see her more (he just stayed locked in the room until after she was asleep) in short I promise I tried for him to see her and know her. Finally after 2 years I just stopped trying.
Well when she was about 18 months I met a great man, the first time she saw him she went straight to him and for her that was big because she wasn't good around strangers at all. Then after me and him had been together 2 months she saw him pretty regular (about once a week) she started calling him dada and of course it tickled him pink but we both kept correcting her and tried getting her to call him by his name, her stubborn self refused so after about 3 or 4 months we just said whatever and let her call him dad...
Well let's be honest me and him life's moved us pretty fast we've been together 2 years now and ill be the first to admit I got lucky with him, he is a great father to my little girl and to him she is his daughter he's helped raise her for two years and never called her anything but his and even taking precautions my first now has an 8month old sister and I'm 5months pregnant, and even now after two that are biologically his, my first is still his to him and treats her the same as the other two... In short, in two years he's become daddy and now we are going to start adoption. He's a good man and yes I love him, I love him more everyday.
The main question is, has anyone been adopted? Or adopted their child? Or been in something similar? What's your advice on how to handle telling her about it if she asks while young? Or how to tell her when she's older? What if she wants to know about her bio , do I tell her that for the past two years the only thing he's asked about her was that he doesn't want to pay child support or wants me back with no mention of her and for the past year he wants her to be adopted and already signed away his paternal rights but blames me because he had to pay child support (he said that was the reason he never came to see her) and I stopped taking her to him (i told him I did it for two years its his turn, and to be completely honest he never spent time with her when I took her because he kept pawing at me)
I have every text message he's ever sent backed up on a file and pics of every time he has seen her. Do I just lie to her when she's older and say he just wanted better for her or do I just explain we were all young your adoptive dad loves you, here's the text messages make up your own mind and ill find your bio for you if you want to meet him? I know this is a few years in the future but but I don't want to be caught off guard. Someone please help me stop worrying

how long have you been married?

My cousin was actually in the same situation as your daughter. She never met her bio dad, well besides when she was an infant. But he didn't want to be involved and moved away. So my aunt, my cousin's mother, met another man when my cousin was still a baby, they had another child together, and he has always been dad to both of them. I don't think she ever felt any differently or left out. I don't know how old my cousin was when my aunt and uncle told her about her bio dad, but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. If anything I think she feels very lucky and loved.

I went through pretty much the same situation. My DD's biological dad has never been in the picture. When she was about 18 months old my now DH came into the picture and after about 5 or 6 months she started calling him daddy. She is now 7 and he has been the only daddy she has ever known and we DO NOT consider him her stepdad, he is her dad because he raised her. For the first 4 years of her life she would see her biological dad only on Christmas and then never other than that. She didn't even recognize him from year to year. After the fourth year we decided not to let him see her anymore, and he hasn't seemed to care much.
Last February we got married when I was 4months pregnant and now we have a beautiful 5 month old together. He considers both of our kids his and loves them the same. It is so heartwarming to see him and our first DD, who is now 7 years old, together  
The law in Michigan is we have to be married for a year before he can adopt our oldest, so this upcoming february we will be going through that process. I talk to DD's biological dad like once a year, if even that much, and I have talked to him about signing over his rights to my DH and he said he will especially if he won't have to pay child support (what a deuch bag lol). He is really wish washy though so we will see if he puts up a fight, which I would be pissed if he did because he hasn't been around her whole life. But I can see his family, who also hasn't been around, trying to convince him to not sign them over...
We delayed telling DD that DH wasn't her biolgical dad until recently because we were both scared that she would be mad at us or super confused etc. We weren't sure how to broach the subject since she is too young to understand sex so we weren't sure how to explain biological dad vs. the dad who raised her. When we finally told her it barely fazed her. She actually told us that she wished her daddy was there when she was born before we even told her he isn't her biological dad. When we were worried about telling her I got some advice. I was told that she will ask questions when she feels she needs to know something, but otherwise kids are super understanding. She took it so great, but I know there will be questions to come that might be hard to answer but we have to be as truthful as possible. I don't believe that we should talk smurf about her biolgical dad (even though he is a piece of smurf drug addict), I don't think that is right in any situation because that only hurts the kid. I would tell her that he loved her but knew he couldn't take care of her and so he made sure she had someone (your boyfriend) who could take care of her and be her dad. As she gets older you can get into more detail but again, I wouldn't talk really bad about him because that might be incentive for her to want to rebel when she is older. I would treat it as an adoption situation, my DH was adopted so that made it a little easier for us to explain to DD because we have talked to her about her daddy being adopted.
I can tell you we were sooooooo nervous about our exact same situation and when we finally 'grabbed the bulls by the horn' persay, it was a breeze and NONE of the bad things we thought might come up did.
You are luck to have found one of the good guys  
If you ever need to talk you can PM me  

Quoting One_Hott_Momma:" I went through pretty much the same situation. My DD's biological dad has never been in the picture. ... [snip!] ... we thought might come up did. You are luck to have found one of the good guys   If you ever need to talk you can PM me  "

I just have to say that I am so glad that things worked out for you, and your daughter so well. As a single mom, and with my son's father sounding VERY similar to your DD's, it's nice to know that there can be happy endings. Now I just have to meet a great guy...Hmm...

Quoting One_Hott_Momma:" I went through pretty much the same situation. My DD's biological dad has never been in the picture. ... [snip!] ... we thought might come up did. You are luck to have found one of the good guys   If you ever need to talk you can PM me  "

I just have to say that I am so glad that things worked out for you, and your daughter so well. As a single mom, and with my son's father sounding VERY similar to your DD's, it's nice to know that there can be happy endings. Now I just have to meet a great guy...Hmm...

Quoting One_Hott_Momma:" I went through pretty much the same situation. My DD's biological dad has never been in the picture. ... [snip!] ... we thought might come up did. You are luck to have found one of the good guys   If you ever need to talk you can PM me  "

I just have to say that I am so glad that things worked out for you, and your daughter so well. As a single mom, and with my son's father sounding VERY similar to your DD's, it's nice to know that there can be happy endings. Now I just have to meet a great guy...Hmm...

Quoting A is Me:" I just have to say that I am so glad that things worked out for you, and your daughter so well. As a ... [snip!] ... VERY similar to your DD's, it's nice to know that there can be happy endings. Now I just have to meet a great guy...Hmm..."

They are out there! I firmly believe my husband is the man I am supposed to be with forever, we just did things a little backwards lol.

<blockquote><b>Quoting One_Hott_Momma:</b>" I went through pretty much the same situation. My DD's biological dad has never been in the picture. ... [snip!] ... we thought might come up did. You are luck to have found one of the good guys   If you ever need to talk you can PM me  "</blockquote>




That really is pretty much the same situation.. we've been actually married since March just a quick courthouse thing and both the girls were there , youngest was only a month lol.. but my daughter will be 4 Jan and my ex hasn't seen or tried since Dec 2010. So she hasn't asked anything.. she did once when she saw pics of her birth and ex was there I kind of froze and just said it was his name and she didn't ask more was just like ok... We've never mention him so she never asks because of that either.. no matter what a pos he is we have agreed not to bad mouth him in front of her..
I'm just so worried how she'll handle it after she knows and actually understands and then how she'll be when she goes through the rebellious phase.. wee don't want to lie to her.. but we definitely don't want her feelings hurt .. and what if she starts that whole famous teenage girl drama then starts saying its our fault she doesn't know him and ect ect

<blockquote><b>Quoting A is Me:</b>" I just have to say that I am so glad that things worked out for you, and your daughter so well. As a ... [snip!] ... VERY similar to your DD's, it's nice to know that there can be happy endings. Now I just have to meet a great guy...Hmm..."</blockquote>




It's always the one you never expected that end up being the one your child chooses for you lol.. they really are better at finding us our soul mates than we think we are lol... My lil girl chose my husband

Quoting baybe girl:" <blockquote><b>Quoting One_Hott_Momma:</b>" I went through pretty much the same situation. ... [snip!] ... and what if she starts that whole famous teenage girl drama then starts saying its our fault she doesn't know him and ect ect"

I totally understand. We have the same fears. I think that if she just knows and it's just a normal thing (like my husband always knew he was adopted) then she won't rebel as much as if she found out when she was 14! We were sooooo scared of how DD was going to react and thought she would hate us, but now, it's just a normal fact of life and we barely have to talk about it. She knows my DH is her dad and that is that   Good luck momma  

<blockquote><b>Quoting One_Hott_Momma:</b>" I totally understand. We have the same fears. I think that if she just knows and it's just a normal thing ... [snip!] ... a normal fact of life and we barely have to talk about it. She knows my DH is her dad and that is that   Good luck momma  "</blockquote>




Thank you ! You helped me calm down about it, especially since the court dateto make the adoption official is the 7th

I've never been through this, but one of my close friends has. She was adopted by her dad as a toddler. Her parents told her the truth about her bio dad, and she did have some off and on contact with him and his children from his current marriage. During her senior year of high school, she made the decision to cut ties with him because she saw the type of person he really was. I think your best bet is to tell your daughter the truth. My friend was very thankful that she was always told the truth and given the opportunity to make her own decisions about her bio dad. I hope this helps!

Quoting Subtle As A Hurricane:" I've never been through this, but one of my close friends has. She was adopted by her dad as a toddler. ... [snip!] ... that she was always told the truth and given the opportunity to make her own decisions about her bio dad. I hope this helps!"

This is so great to hear. We hope this is what will happen with our DD. Her biological dad is a POS and I just hope that when she does want to meet him she will realize that quickly  

<blockquote><b>Quoting Subtle As A Hurricane:</b>" I've never been through this, but one of my close friends has. She was adopted by her dad as a toddler. ... [snip!] ... that she was always told the truth and given the opportunity to make her own decisions about her bio dad. I hope this helps!"</blockquote>




Thank you .. how old was your friend when they told her? I just don't want her growing up feeling like an outsider or anything because we told her too early or anything