Baby Fever and Dealing With Loss

I''m going to try and keep this short because I'm afraid I'll just ramble forever if I don't stop myself.

I have no job, and am currently filing for disability. I don't even have a relationship going at the moment. My DD is only just shy of 13 mo....but I have baby fever SO BAD. I cry whenever I find out one of my friends is pregnant, and every time I see someone on here start to TTC or get a BFP my heart just drops.

I had my first miscarriage when I was 15-16, a product of rape. I've had two more first trimester miscarriages, but only two of those put me in the hospital so that's why I only put two on my profile. I didn't know about chemical pregnancies until this year...after my first miscarriage, I was told by a few doctors that I wouldn't be able to conceive due to health issues, so, like an idiot, I never used protection. Obviously, having one baby now, I apparently can....so I have no idea how many chemical pregnancies I could have confused as bad periods.

I keep thinking of all the different opportunities I could have had to be a mother. Obviously I didn't want to be a teen mother or have a baby by someone like that...but I can't help thinking about what kind of children they would be now, what they would look like, or what kind of mother I would be for DD if she weren't my first.

I was also raped when I conceived her....so needless to say, it wasn't the happiest experience. But I made the best of it. I just..I don't know. I want to be pregnant again. I was on bed rest for almost the whole time, I never had a baby shower because I was too sick, and I labored alone. No one but my mom bothered to show up to the hospital, and that was for just a few hours both days.

I really want to know what it's like to have a good partner, experience the joys of pregnancy with someone, and actually celebrate it with friends and family. Not be ashamed and scared that your baby will die just like all of the others.

I just don't know why all of this is hitting me all of a sudden. I'll probably delete this...but it's just been wracking my brain constantly for weeks.

I don't know how to get past it. =[

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.   I sometimes get baby fever but then I remind myself that the two I have is enough and I can't afford another kid. Just cherish the time with your daughter and maybe later on in life, you'll meet someone who you're meant to be with and you and him can have a kid together. Enjoy your time with her!

im sorry you are going through such a rough time =(

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

Sounds like you have been through some hard stuff and I am so sorry but at least you have one amazing little girl. Is her father in jail now or do you have full custody?

Quoting applelove:" How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like you have been through some hard stuff and I ... [snip!] ... stuff and I am so sorry but at least you have one amazing little girl. Is her father in jail now or do you have full custody? "

I'm only 21, so I know it's ridiculous for me to want a baby so badly right now.

Her dad doesn't give a smurf about either of us. I filed for child support and won through the state, and they granted me legal full custody.

I can not have anymore children (total abdominal hysterectomy due to cancer) I also had a hard pregnancy due to Lupus so I couldn't have anymore before that but the hysterectomy made it more permanent. I fall into depression now that I am remarried and can't have kids with my husband. It's a battle mama. *hugs*

Quoting It's Delivered:" I can not have anymore children (total abdominal hysterectomy due to cancer) I also had a hard pregnancy ... [snip!] ... more permanent. I fall into depression now that I am remarried and can't have kids with my husband. It's a battle mama. *hugs*"

I'm so sorry. =[ I thought for years that I couldn't have children, so I know I don't have a right to say this now, but there was a point where I knew what you were going through. At 16, I wondered who would even want to marry me if I couldn't give them children. It's not an easy thing to go through. I told myself that I would still adopt though (I was adopted myself) and I still have every desire in the world to adopt whether or not I have another baby naturally. My biggest thing is wanting a baby with a partner that cares about me, not just the baby, so I understand... I'm so sorry.

-hugs-

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" I'm so sorry. =[ I thought for years that I couldn't have children, so I know I don't have a right to ... [snip!] ... biggest thing is wanting a baby with a partner that cares about me, not just the baby, so I understand... I'm so sorry. -hugs-"

How is the disability going? have you heard anything back?
You will find someone who loves you and your daughter...I did. Keep faith.

Quoting It's Delivered:" How is the disability going? have you heard anything back? You will find someone who loves you and your daughter...I did. Keep faith."

I had to have a hospital inpatient stay for depression/suicidal ideations (I'm doing better now), and thankfully, that kind of through a wrench in the process. Instead of straight up denying me for my disability and THEN going to the appeals process, they're filing that I didn't present enough information (since this came in past the submission date) and moving straight on to the appeal. It'll take a month or two off of the wait time, but I could still have anywhere from four months to a year to get approved. It's definitely a process.

I've decided that I'm not even going to worry about dating until the disability goes through and I'm at least somewhat independent. I'm not in a position right to get attached and dependent on someone only to have them leave. I know being on welfare isn't exactly the best life, but I'm going to try to be as self-supportive as I can before I can let a man into our lives.

I really am ready for it though. This is the longest I've been single since I started dating. Over a year. It'd be nice just to hold hands and be able to talk to someone. =[

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" I'm only 21, so I know it's ridiculous for me to want a baby so badly right now. Her dad doesn't give ... [snip!] ... give a smurf about either of us. I filed for child support and won through the state, and they granted me legal full custody. "

I don't think its ridiculous that you want more! But I think what is good is that you are young and that means you still have a lot of time to find a good person who will treat you right and take care of you how you should be.

I think what you should try to do for your happiness, is to focus on you and your baby and the two of you being happy. Then when you find the right guy the two of you can have more kids. It might not be as soon as you would like but waiting will be worth getting the great guy!

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" I had to have a hospital inpatient stay for depression/suicidal ideations (I'm doing better now), and ... [snip!] ... I've been single since I started dating. Over a year. It'd be nice just to hold hands and be able to talk to someone. =["

Honestly, try a dating site and go with the flow   Some men like being the savior and taking care of people. My husband has helped me a lot.

Quoting It's Delivered:" Honestly, try a dating site and go with the flow   Some men like being the savior and taking care of people. My husband has helped me a lot."

I'm on OKC and POF. Most of the guys in my area are just skeezes though. Haha. If the right one comes around, I'm more than open, but I won't be hitting up the dating scene actively until I feel like I have my ducks in a row.  

My heart hurts for you   You're BEAUTIFUL and you WILL find a partner to make however babies you want with. It'll all fall into place.... just let things happen  

Quoting applelove:" I don't think its ridiculous that you want more! But I think what is good is that you are young and ... [snip!] ... the two of you can have more kids. It might not be as soon as you would like but waiting will be worth getting the great guy! "

Thank you. I'm trying so hard to take it a day at a time. It's getting easier, honestly. The longer I'm single the more I appreciate it!

Quoting kthx.:" My heart hurts for you   You're BEAUTIFUL and you WILL find a partner to make however babies you want with. It'll all fall into place.... just let things happen  "

I was already emotional, and this made me cry! Lol. Thank you so much. All I have in the world that's certain right now is time. I'll just have to be patient.