I'm his sunshine..

It's been about 21 months since my father passed away. I still think about him all the time. Our relationship was rocky, but I had asked him a month before he passed if I could move in with him. I wish I would have. My dad had non hodgkins lymphoma (he was in remission for about a year and a half) and he had MS. They think he had passed away three days prior to finding him. I regret not fixing things sooner. I wish I could tell him I love him one more time. I wish I could hear him tell me "sunshine, you are my daughter, you are my light." just one more time. I wish I could get through the stages of grief, but I am still so angry. Angry that he wasn't the father he said he wanted to be, that he wasn't there for all my first. Angry at myself for not seeing he was so sorry he wasn't there, that he was sick and needed me. Why am I so stupid? When I was younger I always questioned if I was even going to care if my father passed. I never thought I was going to take it this hard. 21 months later and I still cry when I think about him. Especially when I look at my son, he would have been an amazing grandfather. He was cremated, and his ashes spread on my grandmothers property, which is upsetting to me, because she and I don't have a relationship at all. I just want somewhere where I can go and make peace and talk things out with him. I don't have a place like that so I write to him on his facebook. It's all I have. I have been giving him updates about my son, my life and telling him I miss him.I guess it makes it seem less real. I wish it weren't real. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this lately, maybe because the holidays are coming up and we should be celebrating my sons first holidays. He should be dressing up as Santa for him. I just miss him. Sorry this is long. I just needed to get it out.

This made me cry. I'm soo so sorry. it's hard to come to terms with the death of a loved one when there's things we regret. I've learned that recently too. I hope and pray you find peace and closure but always hang onto the GOOD memories.