I need to get it out.
posted 17th Oct
Before tomorrow. I refuse to spend tomorrow thinking about it, so I'm going to attempt to get it out now.
Aiden's going to be four tomorrow. FOUR. Holy cow, I don't even know how that happened. I feel like he just turned 3 yesterday. I can't believe he's getting so big.
And... I can't believe that tomorrow, he'll technically be the same age as Seth. Seth was 4. He would be turning 6 this year, but Seth "is" 4, in my head, because that's how I remember him. That's so weird to me... How can Aiden be the same age as his older brother? And, after a month and a half, he'll be OLDER than him.
It doesn't even make sense. They're supposed to be getting older together. Aiden turns 4, Serena turns 3, then Seth turns 6. Just like that. I don't know if it even makes sense, but it kind of taints the happy feeling. Seth would have started Kindergarten this year. God, he would have LOVED it. He loved playing with other kids. Just like Aiden does. He would have been tall and smiling and beautiful. He would have been playing in that room with Aiden and Serena now, and listening out for the oven timer so he can get the cookies out.
"Mommy! It beeped! It beeped, Mommy they're ready!"
But, no. He's four. Just like Aiden will be tomorrow. It's like he's stepping into Seth shoes in a way. Doing things that Seth isn't getting the chance to do. And it makes me sooo happy... and so sad at the same time.
I don't know if I even put that in a way that makes sense. I'm might just be rambling. But now that the kids are in bed and I'm just sitting here thinking... I dunno. I just miss him. I wish we could have our entire family together. I wish Seth was saying in his high pitched, amazing, beautiful voice "Aiden! You're four! And I'm five. And Beena's two!"
I don't want to have to close my eyes and remember his face. I want to see him right in front of me. Getting in my way, and walking right under my feet. Hugging me, and being the awesome big brother that he was. I need him to be right here with us, because that's where he's supposed to be and I miss him.
posted 17th Oct
I am so sorry for your loss. I do not understand what you are going through, so I am not going to try and act like I do. I can't imagine out living 1 of my children, step or blood. I'm sure he plays with his siblings everyday and he will be there tomorrow excited Aiden is his age now! All I can say is smile and just keep remembering him.
Thoughts your way!
I have 5 kids & 1 angel baby & live in Iowa