She's One Year Old Today!
posted 13th Oct
This has been the hardest year I have ever been through. I have known true pain and true heartbreak. I have known what it is to be alone and have learned that growing up sometimes means being beaten down. I have changed my priorities and expectations in ways that I never believed I would. My life has changed, the very core of my being has changed, but I would never go back on this.
It was all worth it, because now I have you.
I never thought I'd ever be a single mom, but having your first moments, your first steps, your first words, and all of the pain and joy that comes with having a baby in their first moments of life has been a guilty pleasure of mine. I got to indulge in you, to know that every little milestone you reached and every little smile you gave was because of me.
I can honestly say that if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here today.
I know I can do better. I know I haven't given you everything you deserve, but to be honest, there isn't a person on this planet that could. You're the most amazing part of my life, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I AM worth it; how can I not be? I made you, the most perfect thing I've ever seen. You are responsible for me trying to love myself for the first time in my entire life. I hated my body, but now I can't, because it made you. I hated the way I looked, until people said "She looks just like you, Terra. She's absolutely beautiful." I had no direction, no purpose in life, until you gave me one.
My goal for your first year of life was simply to make it through it. Your great grandma Pat would have loved to have met you, but something she always told me rings true: "If you can do it for a day, you can do it for a week. If you can do it for a week, you can do it for a month. If you can do it for a month, you can do it for a year. And if you can do it for a year, you can do it for the rest of your life.
I am so happy to say that I have the rest of my life to be your mother. No matter what happens to us, or what life throws our way, I can always say that I was your mother, and that we made it through this first year together. It was the hardest of my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I love you so much baby girl. Words could never express what it is to see how happy and amazed you are at everything. I'm sorry I haven't been better this year. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you emotionally like I should have. I will get better, now that I have a reason to. You're going to save my life completely, and you'll never even know it. By the time you're old enough to read this, I hope to be the mother you deserve. We still have such a long road ahead of us...but after 9 doctors telling me I wouldn't conceive, almost losing you, being on bed rest almost the entire pregnancy and having an emergency birth that resulted in a PERFECTLY beautiful, healthy baby, I think it's safe to say the first bump was the biggest!
I can't wait for the sticky hands and runny noses and dirty floors and toys all over the house. I can't wait for you to start saying no and wearing mismatched clothes because you refuse to let me dress you. I can't wait for any of it, no matter how hard it gets or how tired I am. I want to fight to have you. I want to work hard to deserve you. I don't want you to ever question that you were loved or feel that anything is missing in your life.
It's just you and me baby girl. No matter who comes in and out of our life, that's the way it'll be.
I love you Adrienne Morgan. You are my whole world.