Quoting Mother of Broccoli.:" Not sure how many other people struggle with something like this. So, I am striving to raise my child(ren) ... [snip!] ... I feel like I already set us up for the life I don't want us to have. Anyone else know how I feel? Or am I all jumbled?"
It is HARD. And this is pretty personal..but:
I had loooong PPD when I had my first and thankfully didn't have it for my second. The crappy part is, I have a stronger bond with my second than my first (but we're making progress!). My PPD was bad to the point where it broke my marriage up...
I have parents that I don't get along with. Face value, we get along, but underneath the surface, I don't trust them and I'll even go as far to say.. I don't feel like they're MY parents. I don't like them. I was abused growing up and I almost felt like they were just endless ATM machines that just gave money and fed me and clothe me.. but no emotional enrichment.
I don't ever, ever, EVER want to be like my parents. EVER. That itself is motivation. I am, so far, NOTHING like them. But at the same time, I do lose patience quick and I find myself wanting to just scream at them (and be like my parents). But I stop and I ask myself.. how is that going to change the situation? In 5 minutes.. will that really change anything? And I have 2 babies that are 19 months apart. That, itself, is hard. But when they act up, it really does overwhelm me. I remenber there was a time when my then-2 year old did something that I seriously thought I was going to lose it. What did I do? I hugged him...tight. And just breathed deep and smelled him. It really calmed me down - to the point where I wasn't even mad. Maybe it was my imagination.. but it made him calm too.
I don't believe in spanking, but I have spanked a couple times (not hard obviously), but it made me feel like a piece of smurf cuz I was reverting to my parents. Now, they go in the corner. They fear timeout..don't ask why.. but they will cry HARD if they know they have to go. But, they get an explanation and I tell them that I LOVE them. I never really those words growing up.
I know I'm doing a fanatastic job. The kids are healthy, verrrry happy, and just really good kids. Yeah, they're 2 and 3 and they're at that age where they WILL aggravate you. But they are geniunely GOOD kids. I make a point to be very physical with them (TONS of hugs and kisses and I love yous) and I know they feel loved. For that, I know I did well. But it's a struggle. I close my eyes or I find humor in whatever the kids are doing (which cracks them up and they stop acting out and I laugh), or I just hug them tight. It really helps me.