re: DH crossed the line?

Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"

you need to read the thread before spouting smurf off.

Quoting .Colleen.:" you need to read the thread before spouting smurf off."

 

Quoting Jas ♥:" She's cheating on him now. He asked her to end the relationship which right there indicates that he ... [snip!] ... want an open relationship anymore. She refused. She's cheating. Not only is she cheating but she gave him an STD. That's nasty."

The sexual issues and std's have nothing to do with it. There is no excuse for what he did!

Quoting .Colleen.:" you need to read the thread before spouting smurf off."

read it.

Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"

I agree. I mean, if she wants to stay with her husband she should cut the guy off and work on their issues. But if she doesn't want to then her husband has some responsibility in this as well, he can file for divorce or ask for a separation. Not put his hands on her.

Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"

okay. and if you had read my post, you would've seen that it sounded like he was trying to rough play sexually. (to me) not that he was trying to hurt her bc he was pissed.

i also never said she cheated.

but in a sense, when her HUSBAND wants to CLOSE the relationship, she needs to cut ties with the other man. bc then it IS cheating. bc then BOTH parties of the MARRIAGE no longer AGREE to an open relationship..


and i never condone the "abuse" i stated that IN MY OWN OPINION - it doesn't sound like he was INTENTIONALLY trying to HURT her. she even said that it happened when they were PLAYING around...

nor did i ever say that what he did was ACCEPTABLE.. so get off your high smurfing horse before you try and put words into my mouth....

read my post. it never said "yeah him choking you is fine bc you're a dirty whore for not cutting ties with your other man bc at first an open relationship was okay, now your husband isn't okay with it. but you're not really happy with him in the first place, and are with him for financial reasons, so you're trying to feel happy with someone else. but when he no longer agrees with the open relationship - you're a cheating bitch"

did i say that? no..

Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"

"Also, she didn't cheat on him. They agreed to have an open relationship. They were both naive enough to think that there wouldn't be emotional complications or STD's but there were. They made a bad decision together. "

But once he saw there was an emotional connection, the game changed and rightfully so. She went beyond the original stipulations of an open relationship. He asked for her to break it off, she didn't. So she is the one in the wrong at this point. Both people have to follow the rules for this kind of lifestyle.

As for the physical abuse, no there really is no excuse for that.

Quoting Lotusmama:" The sexual issues and std's have nothing to do with it. There is no excuse for what he did!"

No smurf, no one is making excuses for what he did.

Quoting Jas ♥:" No smurf, no one is making excuses for what he did."

right
 

Quoting Jas ♥:" No smurf, no one is making excuses for what he did."

Well I am glad to hear you (and some others) say that. Because I was hearing excuses for abuse, even if that's not what you said. I just think rather than focusing on what she did wrong (which is beside the point) the message should be clear. Yes, he crossed a line. A man can not choke a woman or constrain her against a wall, even for a moment. It is not okay. He needs to learn to control his anger. He is responsible for his actions.

Quoting Lotusmama:" Well I am glad to hear you (and some others) say that. Because I was hearing excuses for abuse, even ... [snip!] ... against a wall, even for a moment. It is not okay. He needs to learn to control his anger. He is responsible for his actions."

She's not miss innocent, that's the point. Why focus on his wrong doings when she is doing wrong also? You think continuing to see a man that her husband told her not to is okay? Bringing home STDs? Using this man for financial reasons? Yeah, her husband may be physically hurting her and its not okay. But its clear that the emotional pain that SHE is putting him through is causing him to lash out.

Noone is saying he had any right to lay hands on her.

and they BOTH did wrong, not just him.

Not sure why you cannot see this  

Quoting Jas ♥:" She's not miss innocent, that's the point. Why focus on his wrong doings when she is doing wrong also? ... [snip!] ... hurting her and its not okay. But its clear that the emotional pain that SHE is putting him through is causing him to lash out."

No, she is not causing him to do anything. His inability to control his emotions is causing him to lash out.

I don't care if she is a crappy wife. If he isn't happy with how things are he has options. He can try to talk to her or ask her to go to councelling. He can give her an ultimatum. Or he can take the kids and leave or he can pack up and go on his own. He CHOSE to pust his hands on her. That was his mistake. He gets 100% responsibility for that.

She is 100% responsible for her choice to stay with her lover. She is 100% responsible for the choice to stay with her husband too. If she's not happy with him she has the same options he does (talk, councelling, leave, ultimatum...).

Like I said you both need time apart seek professional help if you want to work to save your marriage but her hubby is clearly very angry every time the joking around turns into violence to the lady who posted this no matter your previous experience with men or your age it shouldn't matter you have 4 babies all that other stuff goes out the window when you have kids your husband told you you could have an open relationship to save your relationship only it backfired this is not fair to your kids if this keeps up one of you or both of you will not be around for your kids he will kill you due to anger and end up in jail you both need a break

Quoting Lotusmama:" No, she is not causing him to do anything. His inability to control his emotions is causing him to ... [snip!] ... with her husband too. If she's not happy with him she has the same options he does (talk, councelling, leave, ultimatum...)."

You're not grasping. At all. He has choices, just like she does. Right or wrong, her actions are causing him to feel some type of way which is resulting in him lashing out.

Is it right? No. Does he have other choices? Well yes, of course. The point is that her actions are causing him to react the way that he is. I wouldn't go as far as saying its her fault or she is to blame but she is the factor. Period.

If she wasn't doing what she was doing, he wouldn't be acting this way.