In my own time.....
posted 10th Oct
I re-read my last post and yes I sound amazingly bitchy. I still feel the same of keep it straight and truthful, but it came off rather harsh the way I put it. Spoken like the scorn of a bitter woman. I feel so torn and out of control, facts and truths comfort me. Here is my story, I have a little boy and a little girl and I've sworn since her birth that I was done with having children. I've miscarried multiple times and both my children were rough high risk pregnancies. I've been in the military for 4 years and absolutely love my job. I have put in my paperwork for pilot school (my dream). I had an appointment to have my tubes tied, I was done with having children, it was time to focus on my career. The week before my appointment I just was not feeling right, I took a pregnancy test and to my disbelief there it was, the faintest of a line screaming at me "Your dreams are walking out the door!". I broke down in tears when I told my SO, he was over the moon at the news. I didn't see how he could be so happy when I felt so horrible. He asked what I wanted to do, through tears all I could say was I could never go through with an abortion, which is the truth, I couldn't. With those words it had been settled we were going to keep the baby. My SO is the most amazing man, I swear if it were possible he would be pregnant himself. He always touched my belly and kissed it frequently. I felt absolutely awful, I couldn't share in his joy, to me this baby meant losing everything I had been working so hard for. Then after watching and listening to him I realized my dreams weren't gone, just put on hold, but I was given the blessing of giving my SO the most amazing gift that he already cherished. I fell in love with him over and over. I came to accept and be okay with the idea. I knew it would all be okay. Sunday afternoon I started to bleed, my heart sank. It was all my fault God was taking away this baby because of all I had said and how I felt. We went to the hospital Monday, the heartrate was bearly 50 bpm. I've continued to bleed and experience such unbearable pain. This evening we went back to the ER, for the excessive pain and bleeding. The babys heart has stopped, but is still there. I am scheduled for a D&C in the morning. I am suffering, I am in pain phyiscally and emotionally. I never cry at the hospital, but yesterday sitting on the couch my SO walked by I reached up just to touch him, he stopped and looked down at me, in that moment all the pain hit me, everything I have been bottling up, I broke down and cried as he just held me, thats all I needed him to do. I feel this has been so drawn out and painful, and its my punishment. Punishment for even thinking of abortion, punishment for being selfish, punishment for all my horrible thoughts. My SO deserves an equally amazing woman who wants to have his babies without a second thought, who isn't selfish. Someone who can actually carry a child without complication, who can have a pregnancy thats not entirely full of fear and anxiety, heartstopping moments. I know most pregnancies are full of fear and anxiety but with for sure known problems, it seems as if there joy is far and few between. To my little bean- I'm sorry, I didn't cherrish you the way I should have. I am so so sorry.quote
posted 10th Oct
aww hun. im so sorry. but you are NOT being punsihed! this is awful, and sad and terrible, but not your fault. everyone has moments of doubt at some point. greive for your loss, but dont blame urself. *hugs*quote
I have 2 kids & live in Ohio
posted 10th Oct
I just want to give you a big hug. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I personally have been pregnant a boatload of times (5 - one was a twin pregnancy). Some were planned, some weren't. All were stressful and complicated. I don't know your specific issues, but if your history is anything like mine, any sane person would dread pregnancy.
It's not wrong to want to avoid that. To want to live normally and not worry about stuff like picking up your kids or months of bedrest. Plus we are more than just moms. We're people too. There's nothing wrong with having dreams for our lives outside of mommy-hood.