My cousin Chris

Well it is the end for my cousin. He had cancer of the esophagus(they removed it completely and attached his stomach to his throat). It spread to his lymph nodes and then to his liver. Last friday they called in hospice because he was incoherent and very weak. I just can't help but feel horrible. He is not even ten years older then me(he is 34) and has had a hard life. 10 years ago his fiance who was 7 months pregnant with a little boy died in a horrific car accident, he has had troubles with alcohol and pain killers and everything he touched just seemed to crumble. He and I were always close because there were no grandchildren between us. I lost my first son at 7 months pregnant and have had addiction problems myself. My mind keeps on racing about things I could have done for him. I could have been there more for him especially towards the end. I so badly wanted to hang out with him and let my second son be around him but when we did, Chris would just stare and you could tell he was hurting on the inside.
Also he will be the 3rd grandchild that my grandma has had to seen be buried. Before Chris was born his parents had a little girl that was born without a skull and died at birth. And also my first son. My grandmas survivors guilt scares me. She is always asking why isn't it her and that she is the one that needs to go because she has had a full life.

I'm truly sorry mama.

I'm sorry dear, ohh man that is tough, keep your head up mama ...