I found the problem...and dont know who to fix it

So I made this poll

http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about2346995.html

I have been with SO for over 8 years. I love him so much. He is everything to us.
We have had a really bad few years since our infant was diagnoses with cancer. My son is turning 3 this month, and in a few months he will be 2 years cancer free. We are all healing, with time things have gotten better.

But the relationship was strained, we were both handleing so much....
Anyway, we both love eachother like crazy, and we want our family together...but we also want true happieness.

SO, back to the poll.

I have finally figured out a huge problem. SO has lost all his esteem. He is so insecure, doesnt think hes good looking, thinks hes fat (he is 5'11, 160lbs and all muscle). He thinks hes old (hes 30).
I tell him all the time how gorgeous he is, how much I love his body etc.

But I have realized this is not my issue to fix, he needs to fix it. But can any of you give advice? I want his old self back, I miss his confidence and cockiness. Alot.

Have you guys went out lately just you 2? Maybe you 2 go out and spend some time together like a date night.

Quoting Momma's Little Man-Keith :" Have you guys went out lately just you 2? Maybe you 2 go out and spend some time together like a date night."

yeah...we have.

I lost my job in march (got fired due to my sons health) so we are EXTREMELY poor right now and have no free sitters, and SO works lots of OT and I work weekends at a part time job. So going on isnt easy.

But thank you for the suggestion!

What about a nice night in? Maybe when your son goes to bed watch a movie and cuddle on the couch?

Have you tried actually sitting him down and talking to him about it? Maybe there are underlying issues that he's going thru that you don't know about?

Sounds like SO & I right now. I don't feel great about myself, SO tries to reassure me, but it doesn't mean anything when you don't feel the same.

I say motivate him to go on long walks. Maybe that's something you all can do together as a family. Once he's happy about himself, he'll be able to be happy with you. Congrats on your son being cancer free too! That's awesome news!

Quoting Momma's Little Man-Keith :" What about a nice night in? Maybe when your son goes to bed watch a movie and cuddle on the couch?"

We do this alot. Its not so much him and I not doing good, its his self esteem has gone to smurf, and I dont know why.

Sometimes I wonder if its guilt from our son being born with cancer and just snow balled. I don know....I just sooo want it fixed, I miss him, the way he was

Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe looking into some counseling. The illness of a child is a HUGE strain on any relationship. There are possibly some unresolved issues for him about it that are still effecting him.

Quoting BαƚMαɳ:" Have you tried actually sitting him down and talking to him about it? Maybe there are underlying issues that he's going thru that you don't know about?"

Not really. Ive gone through so much myself that I really dont have time to play therapist to him. I know that sound rude and cold, and I dont mean it to, but Im going through enough trying to hold myself up.

I think there is underlying issues, but he has no males in his life to talk to.

We are going to a christian cancer retreat in Florida for a week. Im hoping to talk to the man that runs it and asking if he could maybe find time to chat with SO and see if he does need some help.

SO is old school European...man dont have feelings, and do NOT talk abou them if they do  

Quoting Tavi:" Sounds like SO & I right now. I don't feel great about myself, SO tries to reassure me, but it doesn't ... [snip!] ... he's happy about himself, he'll be able to be happy with you. Congrats on your son being cancer free too! That's awesome news! "

I can see what you mean...get him to do something stress relieving.


And thanks! Im so freaking excited for March, I cant even describe it.
(they say after 2 years for kids they are pretty much cured !!!!)

Quoting she nan igans:" Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe looking into some counseling. The illness of a child is ... [snip!] ... is a HUGE strain on any relationship. There are possibly some unresolved issues for him about it that are still effecting him."

I think you are absolutely right.


nows its getting the counselling and getting him there lol. I know its not easy finding one you click with....I will work on this when we get back and see what I can come up with  

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" Not really. Ive gone through so much myself that I really dont have time to play therapist to him. ... [snip!] ... and see if he does need some help. SO is old school European...man dont have feelings, and do NOT talk abou them if they do  "

Honestly? It sounds like you both have some problems. . . I think it can happen during times of stress. You both seemed to maybe have retreated into yourself to deal with your sons cancer. So now you are both so in your own places still. You're still both trying to do it all on your own, instead of leaning on each other and helping each other.

It's hard, because you guys don't want to make the other one deal with your problems, adn you feel like you have enough problems of your own, but maybe sharing those issues and helping each other could also bring you guys a lot of closeness.

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" Not really. Ive gone through so much myself that I really dont have time to play therapist to him. ... [snip!] ... and see if he does need some help. SO is old school European...man dont have feelings, and do NOT talk abou them if they do  "

Ahhhh that has to be hard   I couldn't imagine going thru what you have gone thru and then having this on top of it. Hopefully the guy who runs the retreat will be able to help out and help figure out what the issue is  

Quoting BαƚMαɳ:" Ahhhh that has to be hard   I couldn't imagine going thru what you have gone thru and then having this ... [snip!] ... this on top of it. Hopefully the guy who runs the retreat will be able to help out and help figure out what the issue is  "

it is. Do you 75% of parents dont stay together after a child is diagnosed?
At first I couldnt believe it, but now I can see why. It changes you so much.

Ive got great girl friends, got some meds finally, and have had a few different counsellors here and there. I finally feel like Im healing and I just want the same for SO. We are SO lucky to be here almost 2 years later with a healthy happy boy....I just want 'us' back to KWIM.

Men are so difficult with feelings though  

Quoting she nan igans:" Honestly? It sounds like you both have some problems. . . I think it can happen during times of stress. ... [snip!] ... problems of your own, but maybe sharing those issues and helping each other could also bring you guys a lot of closeness."

I hear ya. And I wish it could be done...but I cant. Something I just cant face again, and he is the ONLY one who knows what we delt with. Honeslty, I dont want to share that with him...I dont want us to 'go there'.
We came, we seen, we went.
Now we need to deal....but I really dont think that can or should be done together, IDK....maybe I am just as much of the problem cause of how I deal.