Quoting Shannonsfirst:" I hear ya. And I wish it could be done...but I cant. Something I just cant face again, and he is the ... [snip!] ... I really dont think that can or should be done together, IDK....maybe I am just as much of the problem cause of how I deal."
I think is sounds like it's you both. He seems like maybe he needs to "go there" and deal with it, and you want to move forward and not deal with it. There needs to be some middle ground if you guys are going to move forward together. You can't snap your fingers and make him feel okay, you know?
And I know the stats for NICU stays are pretty bad too. A lot of couples don't last through their kids in the NICU. A childs illness is one of the worse stressors on a marriage.
But it is a marriage. A partnership. . . it doesn't work if you guys are 100% separate and don't share or lean on each other. It doesn't really work if you guys don't want to deal with anything together. I'm not trying to sound mean, or trivialize what you've been through at all! I'm just trying to give some ideas because it does seem like you want things to work out. However, what you're doing ISN'T working, so you have to change what you're doing to get a different result, you know?
I really think some counseling could help a lot. Some for him alone (if he hasn't) and some for you guys as a couple, but I can almost guarantee that it'll go over your sons illness and what happened.
Is it possible he doesn't have much confidence because he feels like you don't want or need him anymore? If you've pulled away (and I understand why you have, to handle what you're feeling with your son), that can severely batter a mans ego and faith in a relationship. Maybe that's a large part of his problem, that he feels like you aren't "there" anymore. Like you're basically a single woman he's married to rather then his partner and wife. . .? I'm not saying this IS whats happening, I don't know. Just offering possibilities and you can tell me if any sounds possible.