This is for him
posted 7th Oct
This was almost 3 years ago. Im posting it so I dont have to put the whole story on my page or explain it again.
When I lost my first son it was hard on me, to have no explanation why. I blamed myself I felt like there was something I could do. Doctors could not explain how my son wasnt eptopic, but they still considered him that. My first born son was born Ocotber 12 2009, unplanned and unprepared. It was 12am I just made my bestfriend a pizza, I was 19 years old never thought I could be pregnant and I felt this pop on my left side of my abdomen. A few minutes later this sharp tightening pain came upon me. All I could do was lay dow in a fetal position. I had a cycle every other month for 4 months. After taking this unbearable pain for 1 hour I couldnt take it anymore. I called 911, they showed up quickly. I get to the hospital to get asked a million and one questions, I must add that I have a high pain tolerance so If i scrunch up at pain its got to be bad. I started getting dizzy and light headed, suddenly sleepy too. The drs took a urine sample and came back saying I was pregnant. WHAT?!! Can you save him ( I always wanted a boy first)...without hesitation he said No. My heart sank tears came rolling out of my eyes. How could I not know? For that whole year me and bd (bf at the time) wanted to be ready because in a few years we wanted kids. I looked up symptoms and craving I went the whole nine yards. The bleeding....the bleeding threw me off, plus a dr earlier that year told me I was pregnant but I had a cycle the next month so I didnt believe it. The cravings the sleep, that was signs but blew them off.
I then got put in a wheel chair and I couldnt eat or drink anything. Mouth dry as cotton but I had an IV with saline coming thru it. They gave me an ultrasound thru my vag. It didnt hurt until she tried to jam it up my vag to find a tiny foot. She jerked it out and called the dr, she OMG. I asked her whats going on and she wouldnt let me see and said the dr will tell you. She pulled out a different one and said the dr will be with me. Im scared,cold, thristy, hungry and hurting and Idk whats going on. Well after about 20 minutes the dr comes in and says they will do an emergency c section and something called a laprosectomy (sp?).I asked what was going on? He says that Im estimated at about 18-20 weeks pregnant and the babys head is in my fallopian tube, he either moved or just from him getting bigger caused my fallopian tube to rip open. Also your abdomen is full of blood. He asked whats my pain level I explained the pain he said oh thats contractions. I never had the urge to push Im assuming my contractions where part of being pregnant but he wasnt going nowhere his head was in my fallopian tube.Its was about 4am, the last time I looked at the clock. I got put on a bed with these warms blankets. The anasthesiologist (sp?) shot something up my IV and I fell asleep. The next time I woke up they were asking me to move to another bed. With their help I scooted onto this cold hard table and it was 7:02am according to this huge digital clock on the wall. This lady said Im gonna put this mask on and I need you to take deep breaths. She started to tell me her name but by the 2nd breath I was sleep again. I was woke up by a few drs asking me did I remember anything I shook my head no and fell back asleep. The anasthesiologist told me it would take 12 hours for the medicine to wear off. I said ok and fell asleep. When I woke up again it was from pain, they pushed my down the tall bump onto the elevator and boy did it hurt. I was wheeled to a room after a painful and bumpy ride. My bestfriend was there from beginning to end, I woke up and he was sitting there watching tv lol. I was awaken by a nurse to take vitals and she asked would I like to see my baby. I fought sleep to answer that "Is he alive?" my eyes watered up. She smiled and said yes and that brought joy to my heart. They rolled me to the NICU and showed me him thru the window, he was right there so tiny. He was 1lb 7oz and his name said Baby LEE. I instantly cried and said can I hold him . She shook her head but they worked out something for me. The rolled his incubator to the door and rolled me next to him. I am fighting sleep hard, he was face down and amazingly had 1 tube going up his nose and a couple of stickies to monitor breathing and his heart (im assuming). I had hope for him, I smiled and the best moment ever he smiled too. I felt his little hand it was so tiny. You can feel his little bones and see all his veins. He was pink, not white or light skined but pink. Then his face changed he opened his mouth but not a sound came out. It scared me they pushed him back into the room and the nurse wheeled me off. I wanted to stay there by the window, let me see whats going on but she wouldnt let me. I cried till I fell asleep, my heart started hurt, I had butterflies in my tummy and my body went cold. I just thought why me? Why didnt I go back to the dr when I had a cycle. I was so immature then the next day around lunch 3 doctors came in the room. This time I was awake I had slept all night, the medicine had wore off but I was still getting a dose of pain medicine(cant think of it but it starts with a M). It had a button on the machine but I didnt want that I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold him or at least to see him for awhile longer. These doctors pushed on my belly checked my legs and the doctor asked how I felt. I said I wanna see my baby, the doctor looked at me and said "he" didnt make it. Once again my heart sank, I felt terrible I felt like my whole world just ended. I went cold again and held my tears back and the doctors said I was gonna get some liquids but I would have to drink those to get real food. Food was the last thing on my mind, I didnt eat for 2 days. The nurse said I wont get discharged without eating, its like they had no sympathy. Maybe they didnt know what happened but it hurt that it seemed like no one cared. I didnt get to say I love you or hi or anything. I got to touch him and if thats the last thing I remember it will be one of my best memories ever. So now I end this with saying.
IN LOVING MEMORY
Aaron Ozzie Lee
Took his first breath on october 12th 2009
GOD carried him home October 13th 2009
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