re: self harm

I know it's hard but find a different outlet. Write in a journal, go for a walk, scream into a pillow, take a hot bath. I was one for many many years. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it.
Hugs, it will get better even though it never seems like it will.

Quoting Jennybananna:" Self-Injury Hotline SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program www.selfinjury.com 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-828  "

 
This too!

Quoting AnniesMama:" I've been EXACTLY where you are now! I started cutting when I was 7 years old. Yes!! SEVEN!! Its a cry ... [snip!] ... some way.... but truth is... YOU are in charge here.... no one else. This is your life, YOU have to take control!! Take care!! "

I don't have control over my life and never have. Maybe if I wasn't raped at 10, molested at 12, raped at 16, 17, 19, and 20 and had the smurf beat out of me from 16-20 I wouldn't feel the need to do it. Can't control nightmares...can't control the fact that I'll never have a penny and that most likely I'll be homeless in 2 months. none of that matters though.

I go running when I feel the urge. Or give myself an O.

  I'm so sorry.

Ive been there and I'm there right now. I think about making deep gashes.

Through therapy the only thing Ive found that's anywhere near close to helping is snapping rubber bands on my wrist.

Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" Not the hospital here. And I'm not in a crisis. I'm just going back to old habits. "

That is a crisis   To me it is anyway. *hugs* Don't go back to bad habits, you have come such a long way! Think of C and A, you wouldn't want them to do this, you should want more for their mommy <3

And, masturbate was a good suggestion  

Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" I don't have control over my life and never have. Maybe if I wasn't raped at 10, molested at 12, raped ... [snip!] ... control the fact that I'll never have a penny and that most likely I'll be homeless in 2 months. none of that matters though. "

You have control over your life if you try.
I came from a bad background and I have tried my hardest to not let it define me. I think you need to get into therapy and hopefully you will overcome your issues over time.

Quoting Jax.:"   I'm so sorry. Ive been there and I'm there right now. I think about making deep gashes. Through ... [snip!] ... gashes. Through therapy the only thing Ive found that's anywhere near close to helping is snapping rubber bands on my wrist."

4 years of therapy did nothing for me so ehh. I only get like this once in a great while and it is when I realize I'm failing as a smurfing person and why not? I mean what is the point? The kids never see it, SO doesn't notice it, my family doesn't notice it so yea.

Quoting Jax.:"   I'm so sorry. Ive been there and I'm there right now. I think about making deep gashes. Through ... [snip!] ... gashes. Through therapy the only thing Ive found that's anywhere near close to helping is snapping rubber bands on my wrist."

I have heard this is a great outlet for some.

<blockquote><b>Quoting AnniesMama:</b>" I've been EXACTLY where you are now! I started cutting when I was 7 years old. Yes!! SEVEN!! Its a cry ... [snip!] ... some way.... but truth is... YOU are in charge here.... no one else. This is your life, YOU have to take control!! Take care!! "</blockquote>

  I started young too. Don't feel disgusted, feel proud that you overcame something so hurtful! Mine serve as a reminder of who I was and what I've overcome. A place I never want to be again. But they'll always be a part of me and my past.

Quoting Moses.:" I have heard this is a great outlet for some."

Ive heard that before.   It only helped a little bit if I did it hard enough to leave welts and go over it again and again.

Quoting Jax.:" Ive heard that before.   It only helped a little bit if I did it hard enough to leave welts and go over it again and again."

and I can't use a rubber band. They contain latex  

What is it about cutting that makes it effective for you?

Quoting blakes mommy☮:" why don't you just do something that relaxes you bath, read, masterbate.. << seriously doe."

This is actually GREAT advice! For me, cutting reduced stress..... and felt good, of course..... so the masturbation advice is really really great. It actually helped me alot!!

Quoting Fat-and-Happy:" What is it about cutting that makes it effective for you?"

Honestly...not sure. Its just always been there when all else fails. And its like it is my dirty little secret from everybody (except I finally broke down and told SO about it, he has known about it for a while but didn't know I was back to cutting). Its just the one place I can turn where I'm safe so to speak. Its not like I do it because I want to die...I want to know I'm still alive and that I'm not dreaming and it just makes me feel the above.