please just make it all go away!!

I'm so sick. Not physically, but mentally. & I'm just smurfing breaking.
There's so much stress right now - I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm broke, jobless, homeless - I can't catch a break for anything. I've applied everywhere. But so has everyone else. & who are they gonna pick? Someone who graduated & has no record? Or a stupid 19 year old who got pregnant at 15 & dropped out? & who has charges?
I don't even know what I'm going to feed my daughter for dinner.
I am manic depressive & have PTSD... & the thoughts that run through my mind are just horrible. I want to die. Right hand to God, I just want to die. & I can't seem to make these feelings go away. I'm such a POS parent, wife, person, everything. What kind of mother sits in a dingy hotel room crying all day? What kind of mother has a 3 year old asking who she has to beat up because they hurt my feelings? What kind of mother listens to her 3 year old tell her she "doesn't want to live like this anymore, she just wants to go home & go to HER bed"? What kind of mother doesn't have a bed for her daughter?
I'm always either crying, or being mean to my husband (not intentionally, I'm just always freaking out in stress mode... he doesn't understand my brain doesn't handle things the way his does. I pray to God everyday to make me normal. I'm always unanswered.) - who by the way - left me this morning & told me how he REALLY felt, that it was all my fault, I really AM a POS, & to get out of his life.
I'm not very good at communicating, it's never been my strong point. Then again, nothing has ever been my strong point. I'm so dumb - like, honestly, just dumb. & I can't help that, either. & that makes me feel like the dirt under somebody's toe nails.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to handle stress. I want to not cry at the drop of a dime. I want to stop bitching. I don't want to hate me anymore. I want to handle everyday tasks the way other people do. I want to provide my daughter a home & a happy life. She deserves so much more than anything I've ever given her. She's my everything. She's my everything & more. I can't fathom losing her, too. That's where this dark road is heading me. I took a wrong turn way back & don't have enough gas to turn around & go back.

Right now I'm locked in the bathroom, crying my eyes out. I don't want Brionna to see. I don't know what to do. I sound so stupid... sitting here acting like the world is ending... But my head won't let me get a grip. I call them "The Crazies"... but it's like NO one understands. It's not voices, it's just... I don't even know. Smurf this smurf. I'm done trying to explain. What was the point of typing this smurf anyways? Smurf. I need help.

You need to check yourself into a hospital and get yourself some help.

Have your husband take your LO and you get the help you need.

call someone to take you to the hospital..if you have no one call the police station to take you to get help honey. there is help out there. best wishes for you sweetie

You need to call 911 and ask them to come. Tell them what you are thinking. Your life is not meant to be this way. People can help you get healthy, on your feet, and an education. All of these things can be fixed, but the dead cannot be brought back and your daughter will carry that for the REST of her life. Please seek help now. People will help!!! You are loved, believe in that!

I can't leave my girl, no matter how bad it gets.

Quoting Wanna Touch My Flower?:" I can't leave my girl, no matter how bad it gets."

Sweets you arent doing her any good feeling like you are..she can sense it even without seeing you crying or getting angry. Kids feel a lot that we try to hide. Get help, love. It will show your daughter you care so much about her and want to feel better for her. <3

Is there a friend or family member you can talk to? Is there anyone who can watch your daughter so you can seek help? Please don't feel crazy, it's okay, but you need to take one step at a time.

Just try calm yourself down, listen to some chill music, close your eyes, and take deep breaths. I know it sounds stupid, but when I am having an episode, I take a deep breath and then imagine all of my problems leaving my body when I breathe out. The deeper you breathe, the more oxygen your body absorbs, and the calmer you become.

Do this so you can rationalize with yourself. Write out a list of priorities and goals and how you will achieve them. There is a way out of every situation, you just have to keep reminding yourself to keep getting up and making your day count.

Do you have any family or friends you can turn to? It must be tremendously hard going through what you are going through alone. I agree with the other ladies, perhaps the hospital is best right now. Can your husband come get your daughter? perhaps you need a break.

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this struggles... esp, alone.