My little warrior

Ein will be 2 next month and he's not here to celebrate it with us. Maybe that's why I've been in such a violent, pissed off mood towards life and dh lately. Mikah will be 6 months old on the 15th and all I can think about is Ein or how they would be best friends. I even wish for the tantrums and fighting.

I hate this. Mikah called me Momma for the first time yesterday and I was so happy I was crying. As I was crying though, Ein came to mind. It's bitter sweet. I'm trying be Mikah's world but my heart aches. Just want to know why and I know I'll never have my answer.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, but I do want to say that I hope things get better for you *hugs*

Quoting L&J ♥:" I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, but I do want to say that I hope things get better for you *hugs*"

Thanks... me too

Quoting Mirror Seeing:" Ein will be 2 next month and he's not here to celebrate it with us. Maybe that's why I've been in such ... [snip!] ... It's bitter sweet. I'm trying be Mikah's world but my heart aches. Just want to know why and I know I'll never have my answer."

I know how you feel My son aaron will be 3 october 12th   hes all i think about too.

Quoting Ozzie & BamBam:" I know how you feel My son aaron will be 3 october 12th   hes all i think about too."

How do you do it? I try to stay busy with little man but I feel like I'm drowning.

Quoting Mirror Seeing:" How do you do it? I try to stay busy with little man but I feel like I'm drowning."

Well when I first lost him it was unbearable. I use to constantly write in a tablet how i felt and how I missed him. I beat myself up because I thought it was my fault. Now I think of it as positive as I can, I still write in a tablet around his birthday about how I feel but for his birthday I buy alot of balloons and a card and tie it to the end of the balloons. As crazy as people look at me I talk to him. I tell him about everything and how much I miss him and How I wish he was here (he turned 2 when I was pregnant) to see his little brother. I tell him happy birthday and let the balloons go. In my heart and mind I KNOW he gets those balloons and he loves them. Theres not much you can do, you dont want to forget them, god forbid you forget them but you dont want to hurt yourself trying to distract yourself from them.

Im always busy with cassius but Im always picturing aaron here with us. Sometimes when my son is staring at the roof laughing and kicking I think he is playing with his big brother. I couldnt help but cry writing this because I really miss him.

I blame myself because, looking back, I knew there was something wrong and I would always say, "I'll ask the doctor about it at the next check up." But I never would because I always forgot. I lost my mucus plug at 25wks with him and had a bloody show (I know now what it was) but played it off as a UTI. I'm so mad at myself.

Mikah does that too... looks around and smiles at seemingly nothing. I was 15wks pregnant with him when Ein turned 1 and we did the balloon thing too. I just feel like I'm the only one that cares anymore.

Quoting Mirror Seeing:" I blame myself because, looking back, I knew there was something wrong and I would always say, "I'll ... [snip!] ... pregnant with him when Ein turned 1 and we did the balloon thing too. I just feel like I'm the only one that cares anymore."

I blame myself because a ob at a hospital told me I was pregnant. But the next month I had a cycle, so I was like no im not shes crazy. I was 19 and never been pregnant before, i was just being 19. I slept all the time and craved ice cream and hot chips DAILY. I still blew it off, I missed the next cycle. I could have easily went to the dr and said something but I didnt. His head somehow ended up in my fallopian tube and at 18 weeks he moved and bust it open. A dr told me after he was born that they could have did a surgery where they put me under and moved him, its really expensive but covered by medicaid (which I qualified for). I was so worried about work I never too time out for me, but I was in a bad situation for a kid anyway.

Everybody forgets but your his mommy. A mother will never forget her kids unless she doesnt care. Cassius and aaron have the same daddy and I have to ask him every year "WHATS TODAY". it takes him awhile but he eventually says aarons birthday.