just need to rant...

i havent been on this site for a while. but it seems like im in the darkest part of my life right now and years ago this site brought me alot of happiness. i guess i just feel the need to get things out of my mind.

i dont even know where to start.

i was living in mississippi with my father, his wife and my son. it was a bad situation. my dad is an alcoholic and my stepmom is a theif. i was working at waffle house, a job that took me a YEAR to find after my sons father left me. i wasnt making much but it was enough to feed me and my son and get a few things we needed. we were surviving as long as i could keep my stepmom from stealing money. ive had hundreds of dollors stolen and i could never prove it was her. my whole lockbox even disappeared. with all my money in it and my truck title. i was having to walk to work in a dangerous city because my best friend wrecked my car and when i finally got my income tax to buy another car, it broke down a month later. the transmission was shot and i didnt have that kind of money to fix it. i was happy for a little while because of the guy i was dating. he helped me out, took me to work, helped me with my son and defended me against my dad and his wife. we eventually fell through because he didnt want to COMMIT to me on a girlfriend level. he always refered to me as his smurf buddy and it started having an emotional tole on me. soon after we ended things just went down hill. my sons father is a complete smurf, so there was no support from him. my dad was the only family i had there and the friends there are great friends but i couldnt ask help from them because alot of them were going through the same if not worse situations.

finally one day my dad came to me and said i had 30 days to leave the house. said i needed to learn independence. i told him there was NO way i could pay rent with my income from waffle house but he wasnt hearing it. i think his wife put him up to it. i dont know. i got angry. really angry. cussed him out, told him what a miserable drunk he was. and three days after that my mom picked me up and brought me to alabama.

i moved in with her, my stepdad and my three siblings with my son. me and my stepdad had a bad past. i moved out at 15 because he was abusive, both mentaly and physicaly. after 8 years of being gone i hoped that things were different. i was even willing to look past him sexually abusing me as a teenager if it ment that i could get my son out of my fathers house. when i got here everything was fine for a month. i noticed that he still mentally abused my mother but i tried to stay out of it because i knew if we got to fighting, my son wouldnt have anywhere to live. hes an evil vile person. always popping pills bc hes "disabled" and when he cant get any pills he turns into a mea

snake cutting down anyone in his path.

the real problems started last weekend. my mother works full time, sometimes she does 15 hour days. my stepdad would bitch at her because there wasnt enough money then bitch because she worked too much, would accuse her of having a boyfriend and that she really wasnt at work. critisize her, berate her. well, last saturday, my mom went off to work and i guess he woke up in a BAD mood because he didnt have any pills. him and my little brother got into it and that caused my son to start crying. my stepdad got really upset and started cussing about him crying all the time. i didnt say anything, just picked my son up, got his toys and locked us in my room. he yelled and screamed the whole day. when my mom got home he got even louder. we stayed in that room all day and played and watched tv and listened to music trying to drown the screaming out.

the next morning, i woke up at 6am to him STILL screaming. i was starting to get really mad because i didnt raise my son around screaming. esp a man screaming. still, i held my tongue. around 11am i left the room to get some more of my sons toys because he was starting to become antsy about being in the room so long. my stepdad was sitting on the couch and he looked at me and said "sorry your mom is a bitch" i turned around and said "ted, i dont want to hear it" he got furious and started screaming at me. calling me a whore and disrespectful and lazy and everything else. i screamed right back and told him to chill out or ide call the cops then went back to my room. i layed in my bed and listened to him scream about me, my son, my sons father, my friends, everyone. i cried the whole day. in the blink of an eye my whole life just became bleak. i started getting depressed and having bad thoughts. i finally called my uncle down the street and asked him if me and my son could stay with him for the night. he told me only for the night so i packed a bag and went out the door. as soon as the door closed behind me i could hear my stepdad clicking all the locks.

i stayed at my uncles and finally got some peace. my stepdad had said he was packing up and going back to florida where his family is. the next morning i came back and he was gone. i thought to myself, finally... we can have a peaceful life. my mom was upset but my sister was happy he was gone too.

that was yesterday morning that he left. he took my two brothers with him. i thought he would be gone for good until a couple of hours ago. apparently he called my mom crying and she told him he could come back. my sister ran in the room and told me he was coming back and i just started crying. i hate my mom for this. i confronted her about it and she told me i need to realize that hes her husband. i looked at her and told her she needs to realize i am her daughter and my son is her grandchild. and she didnt say one word.

i dont know what to do. i know its going to happen again and again and i just cant take it. i cant find a job here, i have no friends here. i have nowhere else to go but i dont want to raise my son like this. not like how i grew up. im afraid of the depression i feel coming. i can feel it in my veins. it makes everything bleak and hopeless. and i just dont know what to do but cry. i know when he comes back im going to have to lock us up inside our room again and its not fair to my son. but its either that or listen to his tyrants and his emotional abuse.

i tried turning back to my father but he refuses to help me. i tried turning to my sons father but hes getting married in a couple of weeks and wants nothing to do with me. hes just as bad as the rest of them. threatening to take my son, lets his fiance say mean things to me.

i feel like the whole world is against me and i have no more energy to fight it anymore.

Im not sure hiw alabama works but is there some kind of shelter u can go to? Can dcf get u some cash assistance amd can u get section 8 housing? Find any resource u have available to u and get out. Its not a healthy environment for anyone. Im sry mama  

I am very sorry you are going through all of that girl . . . your story makes me sad and hurt inside. Is there any type of job and family services down there? or rental assistance? There are places up here in ohio that will help you pay your rent while getting on your feet. . . also there is a hope house here that will pay one year of your rent if you are homeless . . I would check into some options to get yourself out of there. . . sounds like an emotional wreck being there .

ive been looking online about shelters. they have one in the town that im in but im pretty sure its only a night time shelter. i dont know what ide do if i went there then they kicked us out at 7am and was like ok, bye. the section 8 homes have a waiting list. i dont even know where to start. even if i COULD find a job i couldnt leave my son here while i worked. i could get assistance for daycare but i dont know how ide get him there or back and before i can GET the assistance i have to have a job, i cant show up to an interview with a two year old. theyde look at me all crazy and say hell no. i was hoping my mom was going to be the bigger person for once in her life. especially with me here after 8 years and my son here now. but it seems like she cant live without his abuse.

Quoting williams momma:" ive been looking online about shelters. they have one in the town that im in but im pretty sure its only ... [snip!] ... once in her life. especially with me here after 8 years and my son here now. but it seems like she cant live without his abuse."

what about one of your sisters? are any of them old enough to babysit long enough to apply at a couple places in town ? Most towns have a place that helps people who have been in abusive situations, and they definitely do not kick you out in the day . . . they let you stay for anywhere up to 3 months while you get on your feet

i think im going to start calling churches tomarrow and see if i can find out anything. there has to be SOMEONE that will help me. especially if i have a baby. they cant expect me to stay in this environment. my son has been seeing an early intervention lady because he has delayed speech. i thought about calling her and asking her for help but im scared they will take him away from me

<blockquote><b>Quoting williams momma:</b>" i think im going to start calling churches tomarrow and see if i can find out anything. there has to ... [snip!] ... he has delayed speech. i thought about calling her and asking her for help but im scared they will take him away from me"</blockquote>




He is not being abused and hjs needs are being met so i dont think they will take him away. There has to be a womens shelter somewhere. I think churches is a good place to start. Apply online for assistance with the state

Quoting Due Oct 20th ! !:" what about one of your sisters? are any of them old enough to babysit long enough to apply at a couple ... [snip!] ... they definitely do not kick you out in the day . . . they let you stay for anywhere up to 3 months while you get on your feet"

i could trust my 13 year old sister to watch him but not if my stepdad is coming back. theres no way ide leave my son in this house without me. especially with all the sexual abuse that went on when i was a teen. he also verbally abuses my siblings and they wouldnt have the power to stop him from doing it to my son if my mom is at work all day. i just cant leave him here to deal with that without my protection . hes too innocent and i want to keep it that way. ide kill that man if he layed a hand on my son or yelled at him.