My Abortion Story.
posted 28th Sep
I am still grieving...still wondering if I did the right thing. Still regretting. Still mourning. Still suffering. I know that writing it all out will release a little pain and make the whole thing real. I hope that my story can help others.
In November of 2011, I moved out of my husband's house on my own with my two kids. Things were going great, I was single and had a great job. Come March, after my daughter's birthday, I started talking to this guy I've known for 7 years again. We will call him F. F has always been very cocky and knows that girls like him...but I didn't think anything bad would ever happen. We actually decided to try dating and for the first two weeks or so, it was great. Fortunately, this relationship came to a quick stop on April 27th. I cut all ties with him that day and just stopped talking to him. He had become very emotionally abusive and I was sick of it. April 28th I went to a club and slept with a security guard. I don't know why I did it, but I was getting free beer and I'm underage. I guess I just didn't care enough about myself at that point. April 29th F said he wanted to "talk"...so I let him come over. He raped me in front of my kids. When I tried to get him out of my house he threw my phone across the room and said "so that I couldn't call the police". I finally was able to shove him out the front door and right as I was slamming it shut he stuck his foot in it and slammed me against the wall with the door. This went on for a while...my kids never woke up and I could never get to a phone. I felt disgusting. I wanted my husband back, even though we weren't together. I just remember he was the only thing I wanted right in that moment. Shortly after this event, nit sure of the date..I tried to commit suicide and was stopped.
At some point that following week, I told my doctor what happened over the phone. She called the police and they contacted me saying that whenever I was ready I could come to the police station and make a report. I couldn't...I was terrified.
On Saturday, June 16th, 2012, I called Planned Parenthood. I told them I needed to get in that day before it was too late and they scheduled my appointment. Noon sharp. I went in with a girl I know and she kept me company, we actually were making jokes for a while. it's the only way I could handle what was about to happen. I hated abortion, I hated myself. They called me back and gave me a cocktail of Xanax, Vicodin, and some Ibuprofen...I was super high when they called me back again. The nurses were mean to me when I kept asking questions. I got my ultrasound to confirm I was still pregnant ... 9 weeks 0 days. I still can't believe the nurse asked if I wanted to see it. Finally I was laid on a table with my legs spread as wide as they could go on stirrups. I was told I would hear some noises and feel some pinching. Little did I know that those noises would ring in my head forever. You know when you get to the end of a milkshake and the straw makes a slurping sound? That's exactly what it was like...three big slurps. I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut. I wanted to run. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Why did I do this. I went home at around 4pm and slept until 12pm the next day. I turned off my phone and my kids stayed with relatives. I wanted out of life.
Eventually once F. started stalking my house and everywhere I would go, getting my new phone number every time I changed it...I got a restraining order and was able to break my lease and move to a women's shelter. I got a job between all of this and missed the second court date because work wouldn't let me out for that morning...I got fired a week later and the whole case was dismissed.
I still see him. I blame him for everything. For breaking my heart that was finally healed from previous issues. For taking my baby. For making me feel I HAD to get an abortion to save that baby...for making me a completely different person. I hate him. I want him to rot in hell. I want him to get raped...He cries about the baby sometimes. I can't blame him...it's the only thing that makes what he did to me real to everyone.
Sorry it was jumbled..so many things to talk about..so many emotions..
RIP my love. June 16th 2012.
posted 28th Sep
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine going through what you had to go through. You have every right to grieve, and you have the right to grieve for as long as you feel that you need to. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that, mama.quote