numb.

well, i ended up going through with the procedure.. well, i'm half way done. i took the first medicine yesterday, waiting to take the rest of it this afternoon...
when i left the doctor yesterday, i felt this odd sense of relief for a little bit. i think it was probably because i didn't have the decision to stress over anymore. the choice had already been made, no going back now. it was once i got home that i started feeling just plain blah. i wasn't happy, wasn't sad, wasn't mad, wasn't really anything. i was just there. maybe it's shock, not fully grasping what i'm in the middle of doing.. the first medicine didn't leave me feeling any physically different, so i didn't have that to worry about...

and i'm so nervous to take the next ones today. i know, medically speaking, the "deed is done" already, but it's not making me feel any better. my counselor tried to get me to open up last night about it, but i told her i didn't know what to say. i told my best friend the same thing. i'm assuming this is normal.. i guess i just know what's coming ahead, the constant battle i'm going to have within myself, and this is my mind's way of mentally saving energy until then.

but thank you to anyone that said a prayer for me yesterday.. whether you think so or not, every one of them helped me so much!

It's always a hard thing to do. Hopefully you are doing well today. Prayers going out to you.

the next couple of weeks will be hard...message me if you ever need to talk.. <3