Pain, anger and most of all regret (long- sorry, need to ven

Where do I start? I have wanted a child more than anything else for as long as I can remember. While I never was actually trying to conceive I was never trying that hard not to (never good about the pill) and after 10 years I figured I must not be able to get pregnant. My fiance and I decided to stop using bc, but I had little to no hope. In early 2010 his sister found out she was pregnant, and when I finally some months later was able to congratulate her she said she was sure it would happen for me as well. That day I found out I was pregnant. I was literally in shock. I could not believe it. It was a miracle. That first sonogram... to hear that little heart beat, I knew I could ask for nothing more. My purpose in life was that, right there. My fiance and I were excited beyond belief, but I knew I had to tell my parents, they (due to my lack of finance and being a former drug user) had always considered my having a child the biggest possible disaster. I know I'd have to tell them, and if they disowned me then so be it. But then one night my fiance didn't come home. The next day he told me that he had been in a hospital due to almost having a nervous breakdown, and that he needed to get help. Alone. That we weren't ready for a child. He could not be there for me or a child at that time. I went to my parents, who said I absolutely was not keeping the baby. They pushed me and pushed me and pushed me and without my fiance's support, their pushing eventually broke me. I don't remember much about the days leading up to the event (I still cannot bring myself to use the word) or the days after. But I remember during, and hoping I too would die there. And much of me did. It's been over two years, and my parents still are adamant that I did the "right thing", and my fiance regrets it but feels I need to look forward, and let it go. But I can't let it go. On top of this, I found out I have polycystic ovarian disease which means it will always be very hard for me to conceive, though not impossible. All I have ever wanted is a child. I've know that for ages. Looking back, it was never truly real to me; I always felt like it was a dream, that I would wake up. Now I'm in a nightmare from which there is no awaking. I just don't know how to go on, how to forgive, how to accept, how to grieve. The only other major loss I have ever experienced was my fifteen year old dog, who was also my best friend in the world. I always thought I couldn't live without her, but when she died her life had been long and happy, and it was time for her to go. I signed the paper to end her life as well, and I do not regret it. But if I could go back and change one thing in the entire almost 33 years of my life, I would tell the woman in the clinic "No, this is not what I want. I cannot sign anything." People tell me I have no idea how hard raising a child is. I just wish they'd realize that nothing in this world could be harder than being the one responsible for the child who never was. It was either going to be Colin Finlay or Aisling Lorelei. I call them Colais, as I never was able to find out the sex. I wrote a poem about it, and I will post that in a new thread now. To anyone who read this far, THANK YOU. I needed to get that out to those who may understand. I just feel so alone.

Im sorry for your loss and yes i read the whole thing... your parents shouldnt of pushed you to do anything they should of stood behind you with whatever decision you made.

I'm so, so sorry you went through what you did.
I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak.

I read the Whole thing. I'm sorry you got pushed. It was wrong of them.

I hope it does happen for you again one day!

I am so sorry

Wow! Is all I have to say I can only imagine how you feel my pregnancy has not been smooth sailing and I too for awhile thought I could not conceive when I found out I was pregnant the Dad was so upset he has not talk to me since everyone but my family told me to abort cause of by "situation" with the Dad I cried many nights at the thought of that my family lives out of town so is hard when your support system is not near   then I was denied medical assistance due to my income so I quit my full time now I'm struggling a bit with my part time job but I got to keep my head up and stay strong

This is for crzydmd, I thought of you when I read this article, I think it will encourage you. Hope you still check these postings!
http://www.issues4life.org/pdfs/news_20090421a.pdf

God is longing to forgive any of us who truly desire it and truly want to make Jesus our Lord and Savior. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. ALL of us have put a rift between us and the loving God Who created us. None of us are fit to be in His presence or are worthy of His love and grace. We are all worthy of death, because even the smallest stain from sin in comparison to the bright white perfection of God looks like a huge black flaw. But how wonderful and mind blowing it is that even though we turned out backs on Him in rebellion He still became flesh (Jesus), dwelt among us, and died one of the worst and painful deaths imaginable in order to pay for our sins. He did this so that we wouldn't have to live in eternity apart from His awesome, satisfying presence. The absence of God is hell, literally! If God is good and good is God, then the absence of Him is all bad=hell. God has made it so we can ask for forgiveness of our sins(doesn't matter how terrible they are) and He puts those sins on to Jesus, Who was perfect and the only one Who could pay the ransom for us. Jesus rose from the dead, conquering death for us, so that if we repent and turn from living a life apart from Him, we can live eternally with Him. Jesus says, ""I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:6) Jesus also says, " I and the Father are one." (John 10:30) He is the only way to eternal life!! God loves us very much, His heart breaks for us. He wouldn't have gone through such horrors for us if He didn't love us so very, very much. "For God(the Father) so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son(Jesus), that whoever believes in Him(Jesus) shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) Please, if you have any questions (or if anyone else does for that matter) email me.  amick.laura@gmail.com

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24)
God Bless!!!!