I just noticed..

that I get extremly lonely when everything is quiet. I have been keeping myself so busy, I thought maybe I'm okay with all this. But Adam worked all day, then we were going to go out and see some people, show off the baby and such. He was too tired to go. So he's laying down, the house is dark and quiet and I have been sitting on the couch with Silas trying to nurse him. He has difficulty because he has Down Syndrome. But I look at him and sometimes he looks like a perfectly normal baby. Sometimes he looks like a blonder version of his sister. Sometimes I wonder if these tests are ever wrong. And I imagine how elated I would be. Then I feel guilty for my denial. I need to accept my son for who he is. This is not a dream. This is not going to stop. This will get easier but it will never go away. I just really want to stop denying the truth, but I can't.

I know our bond is strong. I had a D and C the other night and I bawled prior to the procedure becuase I wanted to be home with Silas so bad. I feel disconnected from Laila. My mom has been at my house helping me out quite a but but I haven't really been as hands on with her as I used to. She used to be my little sidekick. Now she asks for my mom to tuck her in. She's at her dad's now for the weekend. I just want our routine back. Everything is changing. Everything is so different and the unknown is enough to drive someone crazy. I have a list of online resources and local support groups. I have a stack of brochures and folders filled with information about DS. All these things are telling me everything is going to be okay, and I believe it to be true- but still I choose not to look. I just hold my baby and plead to god that there has been some kind of mistake.

Aww hun. I'm almost in tears reading your post. You seem so lost. I cannot imagine what your going through. But it is hard coping with a child's disability, and will take up so much of your time. Have you asked your dd to help with your ds to make her feel included and take some of the pressure off of you?? As for your man I don't understand what's wrong except maybe he's finding it hard to cope with. I feel like if you don't get enough support to help you through this difficult transition your going to end up with pnd. And that ain't something that's easy to deal with especially with everything else you have to deal with. I really wish you soothe best of luck and if you ever need to chat I'm here for you xxxx

im sorry for what you are going thru
& I dont kno if it itll help you feel any better but I have a nice who has down syndrome & shez my brothers only child at man loves her! despite her being that way he treats her like a normal child. she is 7 now and she can already go to school riding the school bus, she is super smart & to us she is perfectly normal! dont feel bad for your baby being that way if god sent him to you like that its because he knew you would be able to handle it. & dont feel bad about it you bany is alive & thats what matters most. he will grow up to love you just as much as your daughter does  

I feel like I was reading something I had written myself.
I've been going through the exact same thing though Isla doesn't have DS, she has extensive brain damage. It's very rough.. I hope it gets better for you mama

Quoting SmashleynSmallyPants:" that I get extremly lonely when everything is quiet. I have been keeping myself so busy, I thought maybe ... [snip!] ... it to be true- but still I choose not to look. I just hold my baby and plead to god that there has been some kind of mistake. "

I am so sorry, my heart breaks for your heartache.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. I felt sad for my baby when I saw she had a purely cosmetic birth defect just because I knew she was going to be teased for it as a kid.

It's completely normal, especially if you didn't know during your pregnancy.
I promise the feeling fades. Though DD's isn't DS, I felt the way you felt, just a little less intense. I suggest calling the support groups ASAP, the other mamas will tell you your feelings are normal and completely okay.

If you ever need to talk you can message me. I hope you start feeling better soon!

Also, there's another mama on here with a child with DS. If you want to talk to her, she commented on my profile not too long ago and I'll find her for you.
Her DD is even on track with her milestones and very smart. I'm sure she'd have a few encouraging words for you, mama!

Hang in there Ash.
I can only imagine how you are feeling. And I am sure I would be having the same difficulties as you are. Please know if you need anyone to talk to I am here.

I'm sorry that you are having difficulty. I don't even have the right words to say but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your DS.... it's okay and totally normal to feel the way that you do, especially if you had no clue... i'm sure you are in shock.

Keep your head up!