re: Is my friend right?

Quoting A.Ramirez's Mommy:" I'm not saying it is cheating on his part. I just don't like drama and I work with his cousins wife and ... [snip!] ... has just seems like one to cause it. I just don't want to be looked at as "that girl" when NOTHING is going on or will go on."

Do what you want.... but, I don't think you should let "other people's opinions" stop you. I mean, do you want to hang out with him (ignore the fact that he is married, has a "bitchy ex" or other people around you)? If you want to, then do so.


When in doubt weigh the pros and cons. What's the worst that can happen, what's the best? What's the in between... what's more likely... so on and so on.

Quoting Rumpelstiltskin:" Do what you want.... but, I don't think you should let "other people's opinions" stop you. I mean, do ... [snip!] ... and cons. What's the worst that can happen, what's the best? What's the in between... what's more likely... so on and so on. "

I think I will tell him we could meet at a park or something and let the kids play or at Mcdonalds and just discuss it all I guess so everything is laid out. Does that sound good. Or should I just go with the flow of it and just hang out?

Quoting A.Ramirez's Mommy:" I think I will tell him we could meet at a park or something and let the kids play or at Mcdonalds and ... [snip!] ... it all I guess so everything is laid out. Does that sound good. Or should I just go with the flow of it and just hang out?"

Go with the flow... but you can set some ground rules and explain why.

That's my advice, but you need to do what you feel is right.

Do what YOU'RE comfortable with. If you want the marriage completely, legally over before you hang out with him whether it's intimate or not then then follow your instincts. Tell him you're there if he needs to talk/vent/let anything out but you would like to avoid any possible drama with her. He seems like a nice guy that would understand. I would feel the same way, I wouldn't want her knowing anything about me or that me and her soon to be ex are hanging out, you never know who's watching or talking smurf, ya know?

Quoting Rumpelstiltskin:" Go with the flow... but you can set some ground rules and explain why. That's my advice, but you need to do what you feel is right. "

  thanks mama

Think of it like this: How would YOU feel if you were in her shoes? Would you be bothered by another woman meeting up with your husband at restaurants, play dates, etc.? Even though she cheated doesn't mean she can't be upset about someone seeing her husband and it certainly doesn't mean she doesn't care at all. Yeah, it's tempting to say "smurf her" considering what she's done but that is selfish child's play and nothing more.

Your friend does not have morals as good as yours, plain and simple. You are totally right to keep a distance. They are still married and it's quite obvious he has an interest in you. Seeing him would only further complicate his relationship and right now he needs to be focusing on that. If he needs someone to talk to it needs to be a therapist or a male friend and not some female he used to know way back when. Why? Because it gets complicated no matter how you slice it. Yeah., it's sexist to say he can hang out with men and not women but once again this goes back to whether or not you would appreciate your own man finding solace in some woman, especially with your own children around. (Which brings me to one more point: I would be livid if my husband had the gall to bring our children around another woman on a regular basis when we're still married.)

Edit: Damn, maybe I'm just super conservative. IDK. I'm probably one of the most laid back women when it comes to my husband talking to other females but given the situation and the fact that he's clearly interested in his old friend it would upset me that he would be spending time with another woman instead of working on our marriage which should always come first. It doesn't mean he can't have friends but I find it inappropriate that he's badgering OP continually to hang out. She just gave 'x' number of times he has already contacted her and to me that indicates he has an interest in more than a friendship. He more than likely wants to find comfort in someone or even get back at his wife. He's emotionally vulnerable right now and the last thing he or his marriage needs is to be complicated by bringing in a third party... especially with children involved.

<blockquote><b>Quoting A.Ramirez's Mommy:</b>" Definitely do not want more then friendship with him at all. He knows this as well."</blockquote>




Then it wouldn't be so bad to go out as friends and/or let the kids play

I say go if you want, but set YOUR boundaries. If you don't feel up to it don't feel bad. If it were me I'd probably go and see how it goes.

Quoting Rydicule91:" Do what YOU'RE comfortable with. If you want the marriage completely, legally over before you hang out ... [snip!] ... anything about me or that me and her soon to be ex are hanging out, you never know who's watching or talking smurf, ya know?"

Yea I understand this completely.

Quoting Raptor Jesus (TTC):" Think of it like this: How would YOU feel if you were in her shoes? Would you be bothered by another ... [snip!] ... be livid if my husband had the gall to bring our children around another woman on a regular basis when we're still married.)"

They just want to be friends... she made that clear.

If the wife is jealous of him hanging out with a female friend, sorry to say but screw her!

Quoting A.Ramirez's Mommy:" Yea I understand this completely."

But it's not a bad idea since you two have been friends for so long. It could really go either way and you're in no way wrong to do either one. Hang out or wait or not. Hope no drama busts out!!

Quoting Rydicule91:" But it's not a bad idea since you two have been friends for so long. It could really go either way and you're in no way wrong to do either one. Hang out or wait or not. Hope no drama busts out!! "

me too.

I think this is why I want to keep it as him and i meeting up somewhere public so the kids can play..

Quoting Rumpelstiltskin:" They just want to be friends... she made that clear. If the wife is jealous of him hanging out with a female friend, sorry to say but screw her! "

I have no doubt OP wants to be friends but let's get real.... This is an emotionally unstable man who has been through the ringer and he has asked OP over and over and over again to hang out. If he really wanted nothing more than a friendship he would've let it go after the first "no" or at least waited a while to ask again. Instead he's pestering OP continually and (to me) that implies he's interested in something more than friendship. Just because it's in a public place doesn't make it any more emotionally safe either.

Honestly, if this were me and I wasn't interested in the guy I don't see any reason to jump into the drama and complicate things further. No matter how hard you try situations like this ALWAYS get messy and I would rather not be around when the wife wants to come back and work things out. As long as he's married you wouldn't catch me hanging out with him but once again maybe I'm just ultra conservative like that. (Oh wow, I just called myself "conservative," lol.)  

Quoting Raptor Jesus (TTC):" I have no doubt OP wants to be friends but let's get real.... This is an emotionally unstable man who ... [snip!] ... with him but once again maybe I'm just ultra conservative like that. (Oh wow, I just called myself "conservative," lol.)  "

hahaha this statement shocked me!    I've never really seen this side of you, I don't think.

To me... even if they are still "married" on paper but separated, he is fair game... but no everyone feels that way!

I think if it's in a public place and meant as a "play date" for the kids, then there is nothing wrong with it. At this point, I wouldn't go to the movies with him yet, as that can be looked at as more of a "personal date". You gotta do whatever YOU are comfortable with though.

If his marriage is completely over and he has at least signed divorce papers or they are legally separated, then I would consider him more as a single dad, but as long as he is still legally married to and living with his wife, then I would still treat the situation as if he were married .. to avoid the potential drama it could cause, which you referenced.