My Story

I found out I was pregnant 6 months after I had my son. When I saw those two lines appear I just fell to the ground and cried. All I kept thinking was "This can't be happening, this can't be happening" My husband knew automatically what the test said, and all he could do was hold me. I think I sat there for hours just crying. I knew I couldn't have this baby medically, financially, and mentally. So, my husband and I discussed it and found abortion was the best option. It took us a couple weeks to come up with the money, but when we did I scheduled the abortion. April 2012. My mother didn't make it easy. She told me I was killing her grandchild and that I was going to hell.
We got to planned at 12:30 for my appointment. We sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, and then they called me back to ask me questions, take the money, and draw blood. After that was done they sent me back out to the waiting room for a couple minutes. Next a psychologist sent me back to speak to me. She asked me the basic questions; Why are you getting an abortion? How do you plan on coping with the loss? I stayed pretty strong throughout the whole session and told her my reasonings. Then she sent my husband back and asked him the same questions. I'll still never forget what he said. "I love my wife more than anything, and don't want to risk her leaving me or our son, I'm her rock and I will help her through this" At that point I was so close to just breaking down. But I didn't. She told us to go upstairs and wait in the waiting room for the sonogram. I think we waited for an hour and a half to two hours. Finally she called me back. She asked me questions and then asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound. I told her no. She then told me I was 8 weeks 4 days. I flashed back to what my sons ultrasound looked at around that time. Just a little bean. She sent me back to the waiting room to wait for the drugs they were going to give me. I waited hours. While waiting there was an African American woman talking about how she was there for 12 hours and just wanted to get the "thing" out of her so she can go home and smoke pot. I tried so hard to not snap at her. I wanted to just scream at her and say "There are some people here who are actually having a hard time with what's about to happen can you try being more sensitive?!" But I didn't. I just clenched my stomach and waited. Finally they gave me all the pills and explained to me what they were and gave me water. While doing that she had my folder open and there it was. The ultrasound picture I did not want to see. I almost lost it. That was my baby. I sat down and waited another hourish and they finally called me and my husband back. I got my gown on and waited until the Doctor came in. When she came in she explained to me what the procedure was. She asked me to lay back, and my husband took my hand. I laid there and the noise was unbearable. It took 5 minutes. 5 of the longest minutes of my life. Afterwards, she sent my husband back into the waiting room and I went into recovery. The second I got there I threw up all over myself. The nurse gave me some scrubs and a bag for my clothes. When they knew I was okay, they told me it was okay to go home. That was at almost 8:00pm. We didn't drive, we took the trolley so I had to walk through Pittsburgh with all of this in my mind. At the trolley station I remember just wanting to cry. But I just felt numb. We picked up our son from a friends house and came home. A friend of my husbands came over, and eventually I fell asleep. It didn't hit me until the next day what had happened. At that point I had a breakdown. I couldn't breathe. I cried until it was impossible to cry anymore. When I was pregnant with my son I had dreams of having a boy. My dreams this time were of a girl. My Melody Rayne.

This was the most difficult thing to write, but I'm glad that I have the chance to.


ETA: This song makes me think of her.

I'm sorry you went through that  

You're so strong mama <3
I've never had to go through anything like that but I'm from around Pittsburgh too.
If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

Im sorry mama. <3 I really hate girls like that... I saw a girl laughing and smiling at mine. I wanted to smurfing smack her..  

Quoting Mrs. Dexter Morgan:" I'm sorry you went through that  "

Thank you. I hope that one day I can get past it. I know it's going to take awhile.

Quoting S&T+1:" You're so strong mama <3 I've never had to go through anything like that but I'm from around Pittsburgh too. If you ever want to talk, I'm here."

Thank you very much. Mind if I PT you?

Quoting Yurvon [♥]:" Im sorry mama. <3 I really hate girls like that... I saw a girl laughing and smiling at mine. I wanted to smurfing smack her..   "

I think if I wasn't in the state of mind that I was in, I probably would have.

Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" Thank you very much. Mind if I PT you?"

Not at all!

You are very strong.

You're very strong for having gone through with it and I'm sorry you were in that position  
Whenever I'm doing something stressful or upsetting or dealing with something as such I'm that person who cracks jokes   I hope that's how those girls were dealing with it and not how they actually felt...all nonchalant and smurf.

Quoting Qiūtiān:" You are very strong."

Thank you.

Quoting Up In Smoke Signals:" You're very strong for having gone through with it and I'm sorry you were in that position   Whenever ... [snip!] ... jokes   I hope that's how those girls were dealing with it and not how they actually felt...all nonchalant and smurf."

Oh, she was 100% serious. She was making a big fuss to the nurses saying hows she been there for 12 hours and that it shouldn't take that long to kill a bunch of babies.  

Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" Oh, she was 100% serious. She was making a big fuss to the nurses saying hows she been there for 12 hours and that it shouldn't take that long to kill a bunch of babies.  "

  That's just awful. At least she's not going to be a mother though......at least not to that particular baby.

Quoting Up In Smoke Signals:"   That's just awful. At least she's not going to be a mother though......at least not to that particular baby."

Sadly, she has three other kids. I heard her telling her friend that she's not going to get the "little brats" because she wanted to smoke weed.

Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" Sadly, she has three other kids. I heard her telling her friend that she's not going to get the "little brats" because she wanted to smoke weed."

Pretty much my exact reaction. People! I swear!