3 year old always frustrated?!

My 3 year old daughter is delayed, she has a micro deletion. She is delayed most in speech ...she is just above her 17 month old sister's level of speaking basically..no sentences but a hand full of words. She seems to get more and more frustrated lately, she will clench her teeth together and shake her head back and forth really fast and push her head into me, or head butt a little when she does that. She goes "uuunngghh" a lot in a high pitch kind of like she's mad, and it's almost always with her sister. She doesn't share too well yet, she was doing good and now she's frustrated more than ever.

She pushes her just a little to make her sister sit down, she will act like she wants to pull her hair but shakes like she's angry but with holding from doing it. She will take her sister's hand and put her fingers in her mouth like she wants to bite them but never does until like 10 minutes ago. She got in big trouble for that, made her sister cry but didn't break the skin. I'm going to talk to her pedi ....but is this a sign of any other disorder or could it just be jealousy and her being delayed working against each other as far as communication and such? She has been doing things more and more repeatedly too....she will open and shut a door over and over in example.

ETA: She did just stop using her pacifier, we lost it and didn't bother trying to find it. She got her teeth at 18 months, crawled at 18 months and walked at 23 months and always just acted like she was still a baby slowly transitioning into a toddler, she always acted like she needed that comfort and I felt bad taking it but it's way too late and we are keeping it away. I know that is adding frustration but she was doing this some before we took it away.

I don't know what side of 3 she is, but it sounds like she is developmentally normal with the sharing stuff and is demonstrating good impulse control and thoughtful logical behaviour, despite her speech delays. I'd work with her on role playing and teaching her how to handle frustrating situations.. so instead of being "in big trouble" for hurting her sister, teach her what she should've done instead. So she can learn to help herself, rather than to act out of fear of what you might do if you catch her.

Repetitive behaviours can be used to comfort and/or to calm anxiety.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" I don't know what side of 3 she is, but it sounds like she is developmentally normal with the sharing ... [snip!] ... act out of fear of what you might do if you catch her. Repetitive behaviours can be used to comfort and/or to calm anxiety. "

She turned 3 at the end of May.

Yeah I see what you are saying there, she is in preschool where she receives therapy and I believe that has helped a lot but I can tell she is still behind with interacting with other kids. She will walk right up and just take something from them, earlier she was patting our neighbor's child on the back for no reason lol. She doesn't seem to be anywhere near the level of other 3 year olds..even the ones in her class. I do that all day though, demonstrate what she should do, show her and tell her how and why to share. She wouldn't listen and refused to share and be nice so that is why she got in trouble.

It seems like she has regressed though, like she doesn't want to share with her sister more than ever. Wasn't too long ago she was doing better...but is it normal to have this much anger even though she is refraining from most of the "bad" behavoir?

My son does that physical stuff, he has SPD.

Not sharing is developmentally normal. It can be detrimental to force it. It's just a phase and is a healthy part of development. It could help if she has special toys that she really likes, to keep them safe somewhere so she doesn't feel threatened or insecure about others touching them. Then if she could choose toys which she'd be ok with other kids playing with. She's learning about what is hers, and once she feels secure with this, then she will be confident to share. Forcing her to share prematurely can delay the process and even cause issues longer term, even into adulthood (i think we all know some one like this lol). She isn't "not nice" iykwim, she isn't deliberately being mean. Her behaviour isn't directed at hurting others, it's all about how she feels. Her motive is to help herself, not to hurt others. So it can have a negative impact on her self esteem, self image and understanding to be told that she isn't being nice, because developmentally she is still quite selfish purely by nature because of her age. The older she gets the more concerned and aware she will become of her impact on others. But by letter her develop strong foundations on how to meet her own needs, and to be surrounded by loving sharing behaviour at home, she will learn how she should behave. She sounds normal for 3.

Also remember that different kids have different personalities and so do "better" in some areas than others, all are normal. Some are also forced to share through fear as their parents scare them into it and they withdraw and obey for fear of the consequences. This does not mean they are natural sharers, and it's not healthy. So what may appear to be a well behaved child, could be a child torn up inside because they can't respond to their own intuitive feelings and are scared that they aren't a nice girl/boy or lovable if they don't do XYZ the way they are told. So don't judge yourself or your LO based on others behaviour, kwim?

I should add in a disclaimer, that my 3 yr old has been very hard to be around this week and i've been a terrible mom in response, so feel free to ignore the evidence based info coming from a hypocrite  

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" My son does that physical stuff, he has SPD. Not sharing is developmentally normal. It can be detrimental ... [snip!] ... this week and i've been a terrible mom in response, so feel free to ignore the evidence based info coming from a hypocrite  "

LOL sounds like me, I like you already   .

Thank you for all of the advice, I know what you mean about forcing it and we haven't tried to be forceful, just have tried to teach her. There are days though that we are frustrated and more stressed out and get onto her when we shouldn't but it's hard to always be patient and collected. I get that the sharing thing is normal for her age, or more like the not sharing.

She doesn't understand other things on that level though. She seems much younger, I know it will be hard to know what all she knows when she can't have a conversation with me but I can tell just watching her and everything...she is still pretty far behind. Everything on her semi annual evaluations shows she is anyways but most of that is more physical and verbal than anything else. She is getting there though, I'm just dying to talk with her   .

Quoting I Love Dem Baybees!:" LOL sounds like me, I like you already   . Thank you for all of the advice, I know what you mean about ... [snip!] ... most of that is more physical and verbal than anything else. She is getting there though, I'm just dying to talk with her   ."

My 3 yr olds speech is pretty average, some say it's great but i've heard other kids the same age more advanced, so i go with 'normal'. And cognitively, although a very sweet and caring child, he still doesn't seem to understand things in a way that frustrates me. I think having a good vocabulary or being relatively expressive can actually make things harder in terms of parenting sometimes... In a way that (when i'm stressed) because he can talk well, i expect he should have a better level of understanding that matches his speech. But really, he is a 3 year old and has the cognition of a 3 year old, and the impulse control of a 3 year old. So i get more frustrated with him because my expectations do not match up to his abilities. It's like the talking part tricks me lol. I think it also means that sometimes i expect him to be able to verbalize things rather than communicate by other means... but again in reality he's doing exactly what he should be for his age given the way they are supposed to develop.

Speech and behaviour, although linked, aren't precise indicators of the other. I don't find that i understand his feelings or abilities any better since he talks a lot. Infact if anything, it was easier to communicate with him, to understand him and be really intune with him, when he was preverbal. Talking with an under developed 3 year old mind just confuses things lol. The grass is always greener  

In terms of sharing, i'd back off if it's difficult for her just now. Let her become confident and secure in what is hers, and naturally she will start to share when she's ready. It can only help her and your relationship, and therefore her ability to learn from you, if she feels understood by you. Seeing that her desire to keep her things close - something that currently feels very important to her - is valued by you, will help that phase be over with quicker. In terms of teaching i think often the best way is simply to model it ourselves. To share our things with them. So often parents keep things to themselves, kids eat different foods, sit separately, "don't touch that not for you" etc.. but just generally sharing our time, food, possessions etc they come to behave the same way naturally. No effort required lol

I think with every child and particularly special needs, the pressure of always moving forward, making progress and having to do everything in terms of preparing for the next stage, can get in the way. It can make it hard to have full confidence that a stage they are going through that would not be acceptable in adults (like not sharing) is ok for them to experience without being pushed out of it as quickly as possible. I've frequently found that to be one of the most stressful things about parenting. Ignoring other people's opinions and having trust in the natural learning process has been so liberating for me/us as a family and it's only had positive effects on behaviour.

I had to live in my parents house for 3 weeks just now and the stress of their expectations has driven me crazy and now i'm dealing with the aftermath in LO. I'm so glad to be unpacking in my own home right now, so i can relax again, and let my LO "indulge" in his preschooler'ness as much as a needs to without stressing, because i know it will pass and he'll be better for it.

Omdays i'm rambling, it's 2am here, apologies for the aimless novel lol

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" My 3 yr olds speech is pretty average, some say it's great but i've heard other kids the same age more ... [snip!] ... i know it will pass and he'll be better for it. Omdays i'm rambling, it's 2am here, apologies for the aimless novel lol"

That's exactly it for me too. My mom is such a worry wart, always has been. She has opinions on this and that, and of course she raised us differently than I want to raise my children. Hell even DH is more relaxed but he doesn't read stuff like I do, he isn't on this forum like I am and getting more educated on his own..I have to give him the same advice like what you are giving me on almost a daily basis. Not telling him how to act with the girls or whatever but suggesting he think of this and that before reacting in such a way that makes him appear to misunderstand them. I feel like I'm doing the work of both parents when it comes to that kind of stuff, and it's not that he doesn't try and doesn't want to understand and be patient and teach them things. I guess it is a mom thing more than a dad thing? I hate to stereotype or sound sexist but some things do tend to fit that way (it's a mom thing).

I feel like I've been pretty patient though with her development and I've let her go through stages without thinking she needed to get to the next so fast, like you said. My mom would always bring stuff up and be concerned with this or that, wanting me to look into more speech therapy for her which where she goes now is what her pedi thought was best. They do tend to be lacking in knowledge of disorders and such. They didn't know what a micro deletion was or anything, I had to explain it all to her therapists and basically they just work with her to get her on the level she should be...I feel like it should be personalized in certain cases.

Glad you are in your own place now, it is really hard to live with family, especially when raising a child or children. DH and I have had to stay with my parents two different times and I am sooo much happier now that we are finally in a spacious place, and we are actually like only 5 minutes from my parents lol. It's okay, I tend to ramble too, I enjoy reading what you have to say...err well type. We can PM if you want to converse further   I see you are all about natural birth, I'm interested in a natural birth but it will be in a hospital so I am worried somewhat and need to get further educated on what I can push for safely as far as going against what the doctor wants.