just some thoughts-incredibly depressing.

i feel incredibly detached from my own life. its like i dont know who i am, or if that even matters. i feel so lost or upset about the way i feel but then realize it doesnt even matter enough to care.
nothing matters.
my thoughts change so fast on these topics that one doesnt matter as soon as it crosses my mind.

if you can change your stance on a core issue like its nothing, what does it mean?
if you can learn a million different morals to a million different stories...which moral is right to real life?
any situation can be justified in the eyes of the narrator. every decision or event has its meaning....but ultimately we learn that there is no meaning. that life goes on or it doesn't. Those that it goes on for have to make their own peace and meaning out of the loss of the ones that it doesn't go on for.

well that doesn't matter anyway.

if you can change who you are, who are you?
im so detached from my own life i have been purposely posing like a different person in front of new people i meet. i act like i care, like i have emotion or empathy. like im a good human.
its all a game.
i act like i get hurt when rick says something mean. i think its just how im supposed to act.
i cant act mad about something i dont care about for long though.

well that doesnt matter anyway.

why do people believe in karma?
weak people that need to feel there is justice for those who wronged you. someone is hoping the same of you. the thing is, innocent and good people die. have horrible things happen to them. sometimes that makes them a bad person. bad people live, bad people thrive.
what defines a bad person anyway?
if you damn someone to bad karma doesn't that mean you are just judging them and trying to make your own peace in your own mind?
we all make choices, we are all human. we also all make mistakes and poor judgments.
as for karma, to me its just another fantasy-just like your heaven and hell. i wonder, do christians that might damn a serial killer to hell cry over their uncle bob because he wasn't born again or would they excuse him because he was a good man.
i guess we all cope in our own ways.


if it can be okay to walk away from one thing, why cant we walk away from everything?
I dont care about any of the things i posted up there before, they just cross my mind.
i can care if i want, i can walk into any situation and own it. i can be a diplomat of human affairs, i have learned the human condition so well. I can do anything. be anyone. i find im really good at things i dont really care about.
just about anything i walk into. I am actually known as a very strong, intelligent individual irl.

im tired of living the same things over and over again. the same stories with the morals that travel in circles. I am tired of knowing nothing that i think matters in real life, because it can and will change. when i want to get some space, i feel like my thoughts are grains of sand slipping through my fingers. i cant hold onto anything. i just want to lay down and hear the breeze through the trees. hear the crickets chirping. hear waves on the shore. forever would not be long enough.

so i go back to work, go back home, go back to my friends, go back to bed


i hate living.
im tired of the game. im damn good at the game, i just dont want to play anymore.


just getting my thoughts out, cant really say these things to anyone irl.
Please, dont give me some suicide help line, i am NOT suicidal. there is a difference in wishing you didnt exist and wanting to kill yourself.

also, ill probably erase this in a bit, idk yet though. i might want to come back to it, i am curious when my feelings change again if any of this will make sense to me.

I too once wished I didn't exsist. Jesus was the answer for me.

Quoting Mommyhas2:" I too once wished I didn't exsist. Jesus was the answer for me."

can you believe it? when i was like 10 i genuinely thought Jesus was my best friend.


heh, he never returned my calls.


^just a little god humor. sorry i would have to deny your belief, but i truly see it as a fairy tale now.

Quoting Mommyhas2:" I too once wished I didn't exsist. Jesus was the answer for me."

She won't find herself through Jesus. Religion isn't always the answer.


OP, chemical depression comes in all forms and varieties. It doesn't mean that you are sad or depressed emotionally, but a detachment from society or human values is a really major sign of it. I felt this "numbness" for years...like I was an actor in a play, like I was making decisions based on best possible outcomes and what was expected...I didn't care what happened or what people thought of me. But I did a really good job of making no one notice how little empathy or feeling I had. It's so easy to just adopt a role in your own life, it's scary to think of now...

It may not seem like a big enough deal to some, but these are legitimate feelings. If you can't talk to anyone close to you about them, try talking to your doctor.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" She won't find herself through Jesus. Religion isn't always the answer. OP, chemical depression comes ... [snip!] ... to some, but these are legitimate feelings. If you can't talk to anyone close to you about them, try talking to your doctor. "

what happened to you?

i find that it is usually gone or in a different stage within a few days.
kinda cycles though.
idk it probably wont matter in a few hours let alone in time to make a doctors appt

BTW the way you said that- i think you actually get it maybe. i didnt think anyone would...

Quoting cunning cuniculi:" what happened to you? i find that it is usually gone or in a different stage within a few days. ... [snip!] ... in time to make a doctors appt BTW the way you said that- i think you actually get it maybe. i didnt think anyone would..."

It just happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going day to day, not making major decisions, literally living life waiting to die.

Then it'll just stop. Right now I'm an overemotional weepy smurf that is bothered by everything and has to deal with way too many emotions.

I have bipolar, anxiety and social disorders, so this is all normal for me. I've dealt with it for a long time.

When I get that numbness, sometimes I indulge it. I get away from the world. I don't force myself into hobbies or dealing with people. It goes away faster if I just get to melt into myself.

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" It just happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going day to day, not making major decisions, literally ... [snip!] ... the world. I don't force myself into hobbies or dealing with people. It goes away faster if I just get to melt into myself."

i went to the college counselor and psychologist before i was pregnant, she thought i might have bipolar disorder.
it was a big issue back then . im not going to lie, i didnt mind that lense, i didnt want to do anything to fix it because i thought maybe its what gave me my intelligence, or personality. it didnt do so well for my relationships though.
they were going to put me on meds when i found out i was pregnant and stopped going, everything seemed okay. i thought maybe it was realated to my first loss and now that i was pregnant again it was over.

since i had him ive been in a bad place from time to time it just didnt seem as...idk...bad as before.
even now this seems different, maybe i have more control over it now.
my new BC isnt helping thats for sure  

Quoting cunning cuniculi:" i went to the college counselor and psychologist before i was pregnant, she thought i might have bipolar ... [snip!] ... as before. even now this seems different, maybe i have more control over it now. my new BC isnt helping thats for sure  "

The biggest problem with people with bipolar is that they don't feel like they need medicine. It does change you,a nd for the better, but I still have to convince myself of that.

Mine actually got worse after DD.

I would definitely talk to a doctor about these. Especially if it's as much of a cycle as you say.

<blockquote><b>Quoting cunning cuniculi:</b>" i feel incredibly detached from my own life. its like i dont know who i am, or if that even matters. ... [snip!] ... yet though. i might want to come back to it, i am curious when my feelings change again if any of this will make sense to me."</blockquote>



You need to break the pattern...you are living this constant monotonous daily routine of a life and have lost the ability to truley experience/ appreciate anything. You need to spiral out of the pattern you've created...start by making changes in your life. You will only learn to do this on your own...do something new...something that scares you..something dramatic. Its hard to find motivation to I know...but really you have no motivation because you can't appreciate anything....people are numb because they have lack of self love...I believe we subconsciously view everyone/ thing as reflections of ourselves....you need to find honesty in yourself and realize what issues you have with yourself to start fully appreciating anything kwim? Once people are able to enjoy/ appreciate

things they get more and more motivation...and happiness....ultimately only you can find the way to break the pattern tho

Quoting Mama Lizzy :]:" <blockquote><b>Quoting cunning cuniculi:</b>" i feel incredibly detached from my own ... [snip!] ... realize what issues you have with yourself to start fully appreciating anything kwim? Once people are able to enjoy/ appreciate"

idk if this makes much sense in my situation....
ive tried many new things. ive done things im afraid of.
really its all the same to me. just games.

Quoting cunning cuniculi:" idk if this makes much sense in my situation.... ive tried many new things. ive done things im afraid of. really its all the same to me. just games."

There's a difference in not being motivated and feeling like you're acting. If OP is in the same situation I was in, she's doing things and seeing the same people and going about her life as if she's completely unaffected. No social withdrawal, no other signs that anything is wrong. It's really not a simple thing to explain.

I feel the same somedays.. Like if I'm not doing good enough.. I have 30 different thoughts in my mind at any given second and I'm constantly thinking about something SAD... idk why. I always feel like what if...

What if something happens to my kids?
What if I don't pass class?
What if I can't find a job?
what if my parents die...

Then I think what is wrong with me... I genuinely feel like normal people don't think half of the things that I think.

I'm the kinda person that thinks of smurfed up scenarios and actually ponder what I would do if the situation would ever occur. Example.. If we wrecked into a river and couldn't get out of the car would I want to try my best to outlive my kids to ensure they pass as comfortably as possible before me or do I want to just go. IDK but seriously who thinks of smurf like that? I mean I'm constantly overthinking smurf that doesn't really matter.

some days I get truly depressed and then when I think aboutt it I get even more depressed because compared to alot of people I have no reason to be depressed... Lately it's been getting better. I've just tried occupying myself as much as possible and getting out of the house as much as I can.

and occasionally on a bad day I look at my kids and feel like "Do they even really know me... Do I even really know them" Because alot of times in life we are on auto pilot and just go about our day like a zombie.. I feel like we don't ever really sit down to relish in the moments that matter and sometimes I feel like I haven't done it with my kids enough and wonder if I really even know them.. I go to school alot and when I'm not at school I cook and clean. Sometimes I feel like I don't spend enough time with them when in all actuality I'm with them 75 percent of the time. It's hard to explain