My miscarriage

I just feel the need to share my story, maybe it will help someone out by reading what I went through.

I had my first daughter 10/27/11 and found out I was pregnant 6/19/12... about 8 months later. I had a feeling I was pregnant the two weeks before I took the test, but I was not ready for another kid so I kept putting off testing it until I grew the balls to do it... and it came out positive. I was devastated. I was working as a manager of a motel - stressed beyond belief, working 80+ hours a week, with a wild 8 month old and relationship problems. I started balling my eyes out & so did BD (even my daugher Lylah came over to give us loving cuz she saw we were sad).
After 2 or 3 days or so, talking about it constantly and finding the good in it (another miracle has been given to us, embrace it). I felt bad for being sad about being pregnant, I've always wanted more than one kid... just not this early! But if this is what God has in store for me, then I'll take it on head strong   Two kids in diapers would be difficult, but I've worked at daycare's before so I know how to juggle them  
I went to the hospital to get another pregnancy confirmation (I used a cheap pregnancy test that was old) - it came out positive. So I made a doctors appointment for 7/19. At the doctors appointment they did an ultrasound but the woman doing it started acting sketchy real quick - which made me pay attention more. Seeing as this is the second time around I've gone through this, I knew what I was looking for... the soft thumping of a heartbeat and the little flicker of light on the screen that would melt my heart away. But instead she measured all of my insides and tried getting the heart beat - twice. Once externally and then internally & nothing. I was about 10 weeks along and already horribly in love with my deceased child inside me. Again, I was floored, but for the exact opposite reason. Instead of being of shock of creating life, I was shocked (and horrified, depressed, ect) at the loss of life.
BD only pissed me off, but I couldn't take it out on him - he was going through the same thing I was. He kept saying how life would be so much better without this baby because we can spoil Lylah more and blah blah blah. NO. Life would be better with both my kids LIVING, no matter how poor I am. I know for a fact I could provide for both kids, they don't need to be SPOILED - just loved and taken care of.
I feel like everybody I talked to said the same thing 'it wasn't the right time for you to have another kid' or 'Life will be easier this way'... news flash, life isn't better with your child deceased. >:/ I'm still angry with how everyone dealt with hearing I lost the baby. If you aren't going to say anything that will help me (which, nobody did - only the kisses and loving of my daughter Lylah helped, really)
Now that I had a miscarriage, I did a TON of research. I tried to figure out what was supposed to happen next... and I could not find one single set answer. *and that's because there is none! everyone miscarries differently*
My doctor gave me misoprosol (which, on the packaging kept saying for abortions although my baby was already deceased - make my stomach turn thinking about aborting my own baby *I'm not against it, its just not MY thing*) I decided to wait about 2 weeks before taking it .. so my dead baby stayed inside of me for those two weeks, nice and comfy in mommy's uterus .. where she should have stayed for 9 months until I could give birth to her (him?) and introduced her to her older sister & daddy & love her ect.... but she was taken way too soon. After I took the pills it took another week for them to kick in (although, the day I took them I had contractions on and off until a week later when I expelled the tissue).
Here's the scary part...
I was putting Lylah in her carseat, about to go grocery shopping & my water broke. BD was in the car already & I just screamed 'I HAVE TO GO INSIDE' and ran away to the house. I sat on the toilet and water gushed out of me and then I had a HORRIBLE contraction and blood starting pouring out of me. I was in the worst pain of my life (worse than Lylah's childbirth, but then again I was on some good pain killers for that). Then I had another horrible contraction, but I felt like pushing.. so I did. I felt the fetus exit my vagina, and in my hysterics, I stuck my hand in the toilet to fetch it out. I had to see my baby. She was about an inch long with arms, legs, eyes, fingers, toes... everything perfectly - this is when I said goodbye. I don't really remember much after this. I felt like I was going to pass out. BD and Lylah were still in the car waiting for me, so in my hysterics, I pulled my pants up, trudged outside told him I just gave birth and trudged back to my toilet crying so hard I could barely breath. He put Lylah down in her play area and came to talk to me.. I was sitting on the toilet next to our deceased baby laying on one of my soaked pads (soaked with amniotic fluid, that is). I couldn't stand to look at it anymore - I was horrified. He took it out of sight and threw it away after saying goodbye... we didn't know what else to do with it. Lylah was fussing so he had to put her down for a nap. He didn't want to, he wanted to be with me but I told him to take care of her first & tend to me after... I made my way upstairs to the shower, where I proceeded to bleed more & give birth to the placenta and some other mushy bloody things. The whole process took about 2 hours until I wasn't having contractions anymore & my blood flow was enough that a pad could handle. . . and even then I was going through a pad an hour for the rest of the day.

This is the single worst experience I've ever had to go through in my life, I am horribly sorry to all of you who have recently gone through a miscarriage and are just starting out on the grieving process. All this happened over a month ago and I'm still having nightmares and heartaches over this happening to me & I'm sure its not even close to being over with.

Im so sorry you guys had to go though that.  

I'm very sorry for your loss ...

im sorry momma! I no how hard it is to loose a child.

Thank you for sharing.. I'm in the same boat and it's been 3-4 weeks since they passed and I haven't miscarried yet, I've been skirting around using the Cytotec, but have seen horror stories and I won't be able to take very good pain medications  

I am sooo sooo sorry for your loss  

Thank you everyone, I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone :/

& Squid Kid, I'm sorry you lost it :/ I found that once the baby had passed, it was easier to cope with. I wish you the best of luck, if you need anything message me. I'll talk!

I am sorry you had to go through that. I lost my girls 5 and 7 years ago and the pain today is just as worse as the pain then. I see my 12 year old and then her little sisters playing behind her but they are not there. I look back in the back set and see my 3 girls but only one sits there. It has been so hard and being preg again is so so scary. I never thought my kids would be 13 years apart but now when I see my daughter play I will see her with a real sibling and not ones who don't play with her. My healing has never happened to be honest and it stinks. I did have to have DNC's so thankful my expirence was not the same but I did come very very very close to passing away both times. first one I lost to much blood during surgery and the second I hemoragged 3 days later. I honestly tried to die the second time but I passed out in the ER and they did everything in there power to keep me alive cause I was no longer there to say no. My husband had just left to go to the court house and have my rights taken from me but when I passed out they called him back to the hospital becaue they where treating me.
I wish you the best in the future for sure.

Quoting Windy Harper:" I am sorry you had to go through that. I lost my girls 5 and 7 years ago and the pain today is just as ... [snip!] ... I passed out they called him back to the hospital becaue they where treating me. I wish you the best in the future for sure."

That's so sad   & scary! I'm so sorry that happened. I can't even begin to imagine that. I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it! I will pray that this pregnancy turns out perfectly & that your daughter will have a sibling to really play with.. she deserves it & so do you.

Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" That's so sad   & scary! I'm so sorry that happened. I can't even begin to imagine that. I'm getting ... [snip!] ... turns out perfectly & that your daughter will have a sibling to really play with.. she deserves it & so do you. "

Thank you   It has been a tough road and very very scary! There is nothing like loosing something you want so badly. For over 10 years every time we could make a wish. Weather it be on a eyelash or a star or even when the time is like 2:22 our wish was always to add to the family. Its crazy it is possibly going to happen but I will not be for sure till this baby is in my arms and crying. It is so hard to get excited when your just not sure it will make it... Everybody tells me it will be fine but again till it is in my arms I will not feel safe. Thank you again.

Quoting Windy Harper:" Thank you   It has been a tough road and very very scary! There is nothing like loosing something you ... [snip!] ... it will make it... Everybody tells me it will be fine but again till it is in my arms I will not feel safe. Thank you again."

Your baby feels everything you do! So be excited as much as you can   Its happening (in the process, but still happening) so embrace it <3 Your little one should feel his/her momma being happy, not scared. I know you can't help it, but look at the gift god gave you right now  

I am trying. I hope that when I find out what it is and can give it a name it will make it more real. I only got till next monday if the baby is in the right position   Thank you for the support and if you ever need somebody to talk to I am always here. Miscarriage is so much harder then people think. Ya it is more common then we would think as well but to get past is even harder. I really wish somebody had warned me that 10% of all babies abort on there own in the first few months. Maybe it would not have been so hard if I had known. It is just so hard when it is a life I mean a real life and not just a tree (not that a tree does not have life but no heartbeat) and something you want so badly it hurts. You see that heart beating and you know there is life and then all the sudden it is gone. I understand that people die but babies that have not even seen the outside world or even seen at all should never be taken. No child should ever be taken for that matter! We are all suppost to grow up and get old then die but life is short and we are not promised tomorrow.