feeling guilty..
posted 26th Aug
this may be long and i'm not sure if this is the right section to post this under..
when i was seventeen, i had a boyfriend who was a couple years older then me, he was constantly in and out of jail, abusive, and an alcoholic.. one day we were hanging out at the local park when a girl i had problems with had shown up, i ended up fighting her and really hurting her that day, during the fight the girl's boyfriend had tryed going after me , so my then boyfriend had started fighting him.. needless to say we were both arrested , i was faceing a slew of charges not only in juvenile court but in adult court. he was arrested and charged too. i was send to detention center immediatley, the day after i had arrived i was called down to the nurses office.. they asked me when my last period was and i without thinking why that would be brought up.. i answered just about a month ago, i should be getting any day.. they very calmly told me not to expect it because during my std and drug scan they had also learned that i was pregnant. i was so lost, im seventeen in a DYS, my baby's father was in the county jail, i couldnt call him or even write him a letter due to the fact you cant send mail facility to facility.. i called my mother that night and let her know, he only words was "your not keeping it" and hung up on me. i was seventeen then and thought i knew everything.. my mother visited me with one of my sisters. my mother laid the hard facts on me of the reality of this situation and it wasnt long before i realized what had to be done.. abortion was the only logical fix for this situation. about three weeks later i had gone to get a medical abortion. though i was sad i had to do it, i realized it was the right thing. i remembered my due date, the date of the abortion, and often thought about the what if's.. but i've never regretted it. life went on, i had left the dys on good terms, went back to school, graduated highschool, had two jobs, and found a wonderful mad whom i'm still with today. last june my boyfriend who was on probation was caught holding his friends taser which was a violation of his probation and was ordered to spend five months in jail. at first it didnt bother me, i wrote him every day, stayed loyal, and counted down the days till he got home. it was about a month before he was to be released when i started drinking really bad and started hanging out with this guy. i was lonely and not in the right state of mind, i turned to him for comfort. we started spending more and more time together, and eventually started doing pain killers together. some nights we'd get so messed up and ended up sleeping together.. he was well aware i had a boyfriend who was in jail but we all know where most guys heads are at and that never seemed to bother him. it started getting close to when my boyfriend was coming home, and i was taking a vacation with my family across the country so i took that as a chance to cut ties with this guy and get clean. i came home , went back to work, and had minimal conversation with the guy. i started noticing i was having pregnancy symptoms, so one day at work i decided to buy a pregnancy test just to ease my mind.. sure enough i was pregnant with a man i didnt love while the man i loved was about to come home thinking his girlfriend was there waiting loyal.. i was scared i didnt tell anyone, not a soul. the day my boyfriend had come home i didnt say a word about anything but he knew something was up.. he kept asking me what was wrong , i just didnt know how to tell him how bad i had messed up.. i couldnt hold it in so two days later i had called him to come over and told him everything. the drugs, the booze, the cheating, and the pregnancy.. he was speechless and left .. he called me a few days later and said he had waited for me long enough and that we could get threw this. i told him i wanted an abortion, he thought thatd be the best idea too. in my mind i was going crazy because being in a better situation then i was when i was seventeen i felt guilty knowing that i could very well take care of this child .. but i just knew it had to be done. so again i had gone an received a medical abortion.. i didnt feel as guilty as i did with my first abortion, i was basically numb. but life was going back to normal me and my boyfriend were together, getting our lives together.. it was about two months after my abortion when i had noticed i hadnt gotten my period yet, i thought something had gone wrong with my last abortion so i made a doctors appointment. i went in had gotten my blood drawn and a urine screen. they told me that theyd call me the next day if there was anything that i needed to worry about. not thinking much of it i went home. the next day i had gotten a phone call from the doctors and they had let me know that i was pregnant once again..i waited a few days before mentioning it to my boyfriend and when i did he didnt bother saying anything to me about it for a few days , i understood he was overwhelmed. eventually we decided to keep the baby and i am now 35 weeks along . the only problem is now i feel guilty about keeping this baby when i chose to abort the last one..am i wrong for giving this baby a chance and not the previous one? im so confused . i knew my first abortion is what i had to do, the last one seems like it was what he wanted and what i decided for my own selfish reasons.. idk if i should even be thinking about this right now..
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