abortion didn't work..

Currently 31 weeks pregnant and given the diagnosis of Tetralogy of Fallot, my perinatologist and the pediatric cardiologist BOTH suggested termination. It took me a very long while to agree and we went into his office, no anestesia, and I had to be given an injection to the baby's heart through my belly to make it stop, and then go to the hospital a few days later to be induced and deliver a stillborn.

The procedure was excruciating pain, and the doctor had told me that the heart had stopped and sent us home. When we arrived at the hospital, he performed a routine ultrasound to check and make sure, and the baby still hard a heart beat. Complete normal beat. He then told us that he '' THOUGHT he had enough medicine'' &that the heart had slowed but not stopped.... glad he told us this after 3 days of crying and grieving and guilt. right?

Was then sent home from hospital with my mind going crazy. Could not think clear. The doctors had told us that they had no clue what effect that the medicine had on his heart, as it slowed and did not stop. Even it slowing it limited oxygen to his brain and we were then told he could have brain damage..cerebral palsy at the most.

A few weeks later, I came to the heart wrenching decision to go through with the procedure again, as I did not want my son to sufffer and go through multiple surgeries and us not know the unknown. . We went yesterday morning. After an HOUR and SEVEN needle pokes and tries, it still didn't work. No sedation, it was clearly painful. I screamed and cried and could feel the needle to the baby kicking to the doctor pressing on the baby. I begged him to stop multiple times for a break, and he did. The baby kept moving and blocking his chest with his arms, and after an hour of pain I decided I could not take it anymore and I would ''come back''. Yesterday though, nothing happened. I had asked if the medication was even slowing the heart down, and he informed us that he just kept poking around to get a good position of the heart.........................

Im stuck. I have tried and googled and asked and there is no clear answers. I have not even read of anyone getting this done twice, because usually the first time is successful. Clearly, this is an extremely wanted pregnancy and I love this baby more then ever and have made these decisions for him not to suffer and live a horrible life.

Has this happened to anyone? I would like to continue to term, as im due next month, but I am petrified of the effects the KCL had on his little heart and body  I am on percocet at the moment for the pain I am in, and cannot take any more pain. I'm done getting poked and screaming in pain, and I'm sure the baby is too. It feels like this is happening for a reason, but I just can't figure it out  

help? advice? anyone? ;/

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice or answers.

I have no advice. I'm sorry this is happening to you tho.  Stay strong.

You poor thing  

I would have asked after the first time being pricked and it not worked to be sedated.  

Im sorry that you are going through this.

I don't know what to say at all except to tell you to go with your heart, mama. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I couldn't go through this! Wish you the best! No more suffering for you and baby.

It's not a decision I would make, but good luck on figuring out what to do.

If you feel you want to keep the baby, maybe it's meant to be. When you hold him, the possibility of his issues won't matter. You won't love him less. But if it's not something you want, ask to be put down.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong....

Quoting lil*Mama*Bear™:" If you feel you want to keep the baby, maybe it's meant to be. When you hold him, the possibility of ... [snip!] ... the possibility of his issues won't matter. You won't love him less. But if it's not something you want, ask to be put down."

Put down?

Quoting bia.:" Put down?"

I think she means sedated.

Quoting bia.:" Put down?"

I think she means under anesthesia so they can perform a complete surgery.

Quoting bia.:" Put down?"

Sedated maybe?

<blockquote><b>Quoting Asher's mommy [Expecting :</b>" I think she means under anesthesia so they can perform a complete surgery. "</blockquote>




Yes that's what I mean.