i dont know what to think.. part 2

I am the one who posted this yesterday http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about2293172.html

I did end up going to my mom's house last night, but I couldn't work up the courage to tell her what happened because she started going on and on about how lucky I am to have him and how proud she is of us for working through everything we've gone through and making it still together because so many young parents don't. And kept saying how happy she was for my girls that she'd grow up with two good parents and all that.. I just couldn't do it... I had to come home because I didn't realize he didn't have a house key with him. I was going to go back but he talked me into staying by saying he loved me so much and wanted to spend time with me. I don't know why I didn't just say smurf you and left.. I'm so pathetic.. but anyway, I put my baby to bed (my oldest is with my inlaws for the weekend), and went straight to sleep. This morning he asked me what was wrong bc he could tell something was bothering me. So we talked about it and he apologized again, said he could understand if i was a little upset with him. Then in his next breath he was like "but really, you shouldn't be too mad at me. I mean at least I let you go out and have a good time" I said yeah, but I told you no. And he said "yeah.. the first time, but when I came back you didn't say anything." Wtf. yeah, of course I didn't say anything. I am pretty sure I wasn't even conscious. I was just speechless. I couldn't even look at him. He left for work shortly after that. I don't know why I am surprised though, he never really admitted to what he did any other time. Even the time he held me down as I was crying "No, stop" he said that wasn't rape. Why should this be any different?

I feel sick to my stomach. It's like he really doesn't think he did anything wrong, he's just apologizing bc he thinks I want him to. Not only do I feel sick to my stomach, but I feel so smurfing pathetic because I am too chicken to just pack up and leave. That should be my first instinct. If it were my daughter coming to me and telling me this I wouldn't even give her the option of staying. Yet I'm still here and I can't even explain why. Maybe I feel I deserve this. Idk. My thoughts have been so jumbled since yesterday. I used to cut in the past, and have attempted suicide before. I stopped because he told me if I kept cutting he would tell someone and then leave me.. so for the most part I was good except for one slip up last year which I lied my way out of... I'm feeling those urges again right now and I have no one to talk to about it. My only friend who knows all of this about me I can't even talk to anymore because of my fiance. I'm mad at myself for getting myself into this situation. Guilty for bringing two children into what was already a toxic situation. Disgusted with myself for being paralyzed with fear at the thought of actually leaving. So instead the thought becomes "you did this to yourself, and you deserve it." And I can't even cut or anything because I'm terrified of losing my kids, and my job. Not to mention that it would really make me look crazy. I feel stuck. I can't even think straight. Which is why this probably sounds so jumbled. I think I am literally losing my mind and going crazy. He called me neurotic the other day.. maybe he's right...

You are not pathetic. You need to pack your things and go to your moms when he is at work. Do not go back because he will just talk you into staying again and it will continue. If you won't do it for you, do it for your girls.

Quoting Snotface♫[usmc]:" You are not pathetic. You need to pack your things and go to your moms when he is at work. Do not go ... [snip!] ... back because he will just talk you into staying again and it will continue. If you won't do it for you, do it for your girls. "

  
Turn off your phone and don't answer his calls. Tell the police and anyone who will listen to you. They will be your rock to stay gone from this horribly toxic relationship.

I gotta agree with everything already said. Get out of there. Take your girls and GO. Go tell your mom, the police, whoever. And do not go back. You've been manipulated by your rapist for almost 7 years. It has to stop.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT!

No one does! You need to get your smurf together honey, and leave his ass. That is NOT how a real relationship is supposed to be. I'm sorry you're going through that, sweetheart. But you need to leave. This situation will only get worse, and you've let this go on long enough. Please, honey, for your children, and for yourself, leave. Don't continue to stay there and let these things happen to you.

Best of luck to you, sweetie.

I agree with all the ladies....you HAVE to get yourself and those children out of that situation...I'm not sayin its gunna happen but what if he goes after those babies?...please pack ur alls stuff and get out of there....

I want to.. I just can't see how things will work if I do.. I work nights, I rely on him to watch the girls while I'm working.. No one else can... I don't have friends anymore, my parents have enough on their plate without fixing my life... I know it just sounds like I'm making excuses but I just really don't see how it's going to work... Like I said, I got myself stuck. I feel hopeless..

Quoting BG Secrets:" I want to.. I just can't see how things will work if I do.. I work nights, I rely on him to watch the ... [snip!] ... it just sounds like I'm making excuses but I just really don't see how it's going to work... Like I said, I got myself stuck."

They're your parents. And the moment you tell them what's going on, they will make room on their plate for you. You are making excuses. You CAN make it work without him. You need to tell your mom what's going on. And you need to get out of there.

Quoting RayneNAutumn's Mama:" They're your parents. And the moment you tell them what's going on, they will make room on their plate ... [snip!] ... making excuses. You CAN make it work without him. You need to tell your mom what's going on. And you need to get out of there."