5 years ago yesterday

My heart feels so damn heavy today.... infact, for the past few weeks it has. I've been in a funk I just can't pull myself out of. I just want this time to pass. Nothing anyone has said to me in years past or will say to me in years to come will ever make it better.

I miss you my son.... terribly. I regret every moment, every decision we made to end your suffering. I regret it. I should have tried to carry you until the end so I could have delivered you naturally and had the chance to see your beautiful face and hold you for just a little while. I love you....

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5 years ago yesterday my husband and I showed up for our anatomy scan. I was 20 weeks and it was my mothers birthday. I was so damn excited to find out the sex of the baby and to tell my mother on her birthday. We left the doctors office that day with some very disturbing news. After two hours of ultrasounds and such, they told us that my son had a fatal neural tube defect. My heart hurt, my breath was taken away......... I was crushed. They explained everything to us. My son was missing the entire bottom part of his brain. His body was living off of mine. If he survived the rest of the pregnancy he would have not lived long after birth. The perinatologist sent us home with tons of information. He explained everything to us and we went over our options and he told me to call him back on Monday. We called and told him we wanted to come in again. My husband was really struggling with this. We wanted to deliver our son but we did not want to associate that memory with the next time we got pregnant and went into labor. So we chose to terminate the pregnancy. They could have induced me right there at the hospital but my insurance would not cover it because the issue was not a threat to my health. Our only option was to travel to New Jersey to an abortion clinic and terminate the pregnancy. We would have to also pay out of pocket. $2700.00 Great.... more good news.

Anyway, we made an appointment for 8/17 with the clinic in NJ. I cherished the next few days with my baby bump. I didnt sleep. I rubbed my belly. Remembered those last kicks and wanted those days to never end.

Those two days spent at the clinic were HELL! Sitting in a room full of women who were tossing everything away...... with my baby bump. Looking these women in the eye. I wanted my baby so very much. I could not be mad at them. It's their choice just as it was mine.... and I respect that. It was just very difficult to be there. Everything went as planned. We drove home that afternoon three hours. It was the longest ride of my life...... one I will never forget. Feeling so lost, alone and empty. Its something I will never get over. And you'll never understand unless you've experienced it first hand.

You would think that after 5 years searching for answers and trying to allow my heart to heal.... I would have found a way. The truth is, I havent and I probably never will. And to think, all of this heartache could have been prevented had I just taken a prenatal vitamin and ate somewhat healthy....

We have had other issues with pregnancy (one that nearly took my life) since then and my husband is deathly afraid to try again. I am not done. I want another child. I know that another child will never replace any of the babies I have lost. But in my heart..... I know I am meant to have one more. He's breaking my heart by telling me that hes afraid and doesnt want anymore. How can I tell him everything will be ok and calm his nerves a bit.

Did they tell you it could have been prevented by eating healthy and taking vitamins?

Sorry for your loss, and having to make that choice. I couldn't imagine what that must have felt like for you and your husband.

As I sit here reading this post I am brought to tears! I am so terribly sorry for your's and your husbands heartbreak and loss! I can not imagine the pain this decision cost you. You are a strong beautiful woman!

Quoting Puff the Magic Dragon!:" Did they tell you it could have been prevented by eating healthy and taking vitamins? Sorry for your ... [snip!] ... Sorry for your loss, and having to make that choice. I couldn't imagine what that must have felt like for you and your husband."

Yes, most neural tube defects can be prevented by eating healthy, taking prenatals and or an extra folate supplement.

Anytime DH and I TTC, for 3-4 months prior I have to take 4000mcg of folic acid as well as my prenatals.

I'm so sorry terra. Hugs for you. I can't even begin to understand what you are feeling.

Quoting Amanda Manley:" As I sit here reading this post I am brought to tears! I am so terribly sorry for your's and your husbands ... [snip!] ... and your husbands heartbreak and loss! I can not imagine the pain this decision cost you. You are a strong beautiful woman! "

I needed a good vent/cry....   Didnt mean to make anyone else cry.

Ive shared my story on here lots of times PRAYING that somebody reads it and passes on the information. I am a firm beleiver in EVERY WOMAN of child bearing age should be taking a folate supplement if she does not eat healthy. The neural tube starts to develop even before most women realize they are pregnant. So if you wait until week 4,5,6,7,8.... it could be too late.

The pain is something I've learned to deal with. Its been rough, trust me.

I had no idea you went through that. Im so sorry you had to make that decision. I cant even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you went through and still go through. I wish I had words to make you feel better. I dont know first hand, but I know losing a child at any age is hard on a parent. Your love for him will never go away. <3

Quoting amp4483:" I'm so sorry terra. Hugs for you. I can't even begin to understand what you are feeling."

You know me all too well Alieen............. Its just one of those days. Im in the dumps. Bored at work. Too much time on my hands to sit and think.

And as his 5th angelversary approaches on the 17th of next week, I feel so empty.

Quoting Patti.:" I had no idea you went through that. Im so sorry you had to make that decision. I cant even begin to ... [snip!] ... I dont know first hand, but I know losing a child at any age is hard on a parent. Your love for him will never go away. <3"

Thanks.  

We told a lot of people that he passed on his own. But the truth is that we chose to terminate mostly because we did not want him to suffer.

Quoting Amanda Manley:" As I sit here reading this post I am brought to tears! I am so terribly sorry for your's and your husbands ... [snip!] ... and your husbands heartbreak and loss! I can not imagine the pain this decision cost you. You are a strong beautiful woman! "

this!

Omg.  

I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Quoting *~Terra~*:" Thanks.   We told a lot of people that he passed on his own. But the truth is that we chose to terminate mostly because we did not want him to suffer."

That right there just proves you are an amazing person and would do anything so your kids dont suffer. You would rather be in pain then see one of your kids in pain.

Quoting Patti.:" That right there just proves you are an amazing person and would do anything so your kids dont suffer. You would rather be in pain then see one of your kids in pain. "

Aww thanks Patti.

The procedure itself was not painful. The emotional pain is what sucks.

And I know in my OP it says we traveled to NJ. We are actually from PA.   I just have Myrtle Beach SC on my profile due to privacy issues and a crazy stalker.

<blockquote><b>Quoting *~Terra~*:</b>" You know me all too well Alieen............. Its just one of those days. Im in the dumps. Bored at ... [snip!] ... much time on my hands to sit and think. And as his 5th angelversary approaches on the 17th of next week, I feel so empty. "</blockquote>




Well if you ever need to talk or yell at someone, call me xoxo