for anyone who is willing to read all of it. (vent)

Hey ladies. Well Jazmine is about to be 6 months old on the 28th and I still cant seem to get back on my feet. My house is always a mess because Miss Jazmine dosent let me clean. Ill try to do some cleaning when she naps, but she naps for like 20 mins! maybe less. Once she feels that shes alone she is up. and all she wants to do is play. and i love playing with her, dont get me wrong, but i hate the fact that ray is ocming home to a messy home all the time. mind the fact that i was a huge clean freak. and as far as exercising, omg, i tend to feel so drained all the time that the little time i get on my hands is to sit or lay down for a bit. its 2:36 am over here, and i am soo exhausted, that i cant sleep. i feel like im on edge of just walking away one day and leaving everything behind. husband, baby, car, house, EVERYTHING. i feel like i cant take it no more. and then to make matters worse, ray tells me the most saddest thing i can think of now, he told me that before i usto be so athletic that it was hard for him to keep up with me. i dont know about you guys, but to me, its a big deal that he says that. hes like the king of sports and exercising. i feel so depressed because my body seems like its not getting into shape. despite of everyhting that i was doing. i would eat enough to stay healthy so i can breastfeed, but also loose calories. now its just like ive given up on everything. i dont know what to do or where to start. i feel as if my life has a different road to it. like i wont be able to be happy again with myself. i am always trying to be on top of my game. but now its just seems like im loosing it. i dont cry anymore because i feel if i let the tears run down, ill let my daughter down. ill let my husband down. he thinks that taking care of a baby who is teething by the way, and has rash, and has diarrhea, and fever, and always wants to be around mom, because it seems like the only thing that can soothe her besides teething tablets is mommy's boobs. and i am so depressed about breast feeding. i want to stop just because she is hurting my nipples. but i dont think im ready to let her go just yet. im so sick of feeling lonely. of feeling unnapreciated. i went to go see my mom when ray had leave for like 1 weeks or so, and everyday i was begging my mom to go to the beach with me and she said no she always had an excuse. if she wasnt feeling too good she was tired. my brother who is the biggest d*ck of all time and his wife who is the biggest whore bag in this universe and hates my mom, and they always mistreat my mom, asked her once to go to the beach and she says yeah. then they put all these pics on myspace and i feel like theyre rubbing it in. not to mention that one of ray's friend reenlisted for 25000 dollars, for 5 years, and ray whos reenlisting for 6 is getting about 10000. this guy is so rich he dosent even need the money. all he uses the money is for alcohol, and ray who whenever we have a dime or penny we save it up so we can buy jazmine the things she need. i hate how all this shyt is turning out to be. then the bills. when we got income tax we paid everything so we can be 1 month ahead. then we decided that with a regular pay check we were going to spend it on us. since income tax went on bills and flight tickets. it turns out that we get a letter from the bank saying that we did not pay the car and therefore we gotta pay 790 dollars. WTF! are you kidding me? we are ahead in everything especially the car. damn cant there be a day where we can relax.

im sorry ladies but i really needed to get this off my chest. ive been bottling in for a few weeks now.

Girl I feel ya! Can't say about everything, but I sure do understand the financial situation. Just when you think you have some money to spend on yourself, something always comes up! I am so sick and tired of living from paycheck to paycheck and depending on the damn tax return and now we're waiting on the stimulus check.... and even then it is so we can get some major bills out of the way so we can breath easy.. Ugh.. anyway... I feel your pain..

It sounds to me like you are slowly going into the black hole of depression, so it's time to change.So here's alittle tough love.First I am not condemning you for being an attentive loving mother but come on a six month old that dictates to you if and when you can do things.This is from experience-teach them young because it will only get worse.My 2cnd daughter is very demanding but you can clean and talk to her or give her pots and pans to bang while you are doing dishes, give her a duster when you are dusting etc... Second husbands have penises and will never be on the same level emotionally so don't set yourself up for disappointment-and this is something I only figured out around the age of thirty, and I still love my hubby.As for the money I know it sucks(been there but YOU can't change everything but only do the best you can in helping support hubby emotionally while you both do your own jobs(you looking after babes).Chose one goal a day(like cleaning house) or trying to elongate her naps and soon things will look brighter.Good luck Mama it isn't always easy but what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger!!!

hmm yea you need to get away for a bit. You shoudl look at joing the YMCA or a gym near by that has childcare and that you can afford. You need to just let things fall into place. Let little Jasmin sit in her crib for a while after she wakes up. She won't feel unloved or abandon. Clean you house!!! That pasrt of your problem.. if you are a true clean freak.. I am and when my house is a mess I can't function. I feel like I want to crawlin a whole and cry. I don't mean a full cleaning.. but for instance .. take 20-30 and just pick stuff up or do some laundry.. than tomorrow.. take another 20min to do something else... clean the toliet etc. Little steps.... trust me this will pass. We all have been thru this at one tine or another. But ignoring it won't make it better . Good luck Mama..

thank you ladies. you really a big help. and yeah i think its time to put jaz aside and start doing my own thing. thanks again ladies.