It's done.

I went through with it. I almost didnt but I knew I had to. I got to the clinic at 9am and went back for my ultrasound. I told myself I wouldnt look at the u/s but I was curious and I did. I should have known better concidering I know what a 13 week u/s looks like. I started to cry and the tech asked of I needed some time to think since I would have to take the medication soon. I said yes. After thinking about it, I couldnt do it. I paid for the u/s and left with my boyfriend.

As soon as I left, I knew I had to go back. I just kept thinking of all the reasons why I did'nt want this child in the first place. So I called to make sure it was ok for me to go back to the clinic (it was a 2 hour drive, there was no way I was going to make a new appointment and come back next week like they wanted me to do)

I went back to talk to the Dr who wanted to make sure I was absolutely sure of my decision. I was, it was just actually going through with it that scared me. I think I was more afraid of hating myself . They gave me 2 pills to stick in my cheeks and I went back to the waiting room to wait out my 2 hours.

They called me back and I had chosen the IV medication, I knew I needed to be more sedated than what they offered me before. As soon as the meds hit me, I was in lala land, I felt everything, it was uncomfortable, it hurt and the suction sound was terrible. I don't remember much of it, but I remember the nurse holding my hand vaguely. I almost told them to stop and I didnt want to do it anymore since it hurt so bad, but I was so drugged I could barely talk.

As soon as it was over I felt nothing. Im still not sure if maybe it just hasnt really hit me yet, Im still numb, or I'm just that relieved.

I expected to cry or be sad or even extremely depressed. but now all I feel is relief. Its like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Occasionally I find myself thinking "you were having a baby, and now you're not," but I am just numb to it. Although I feel 100% better now, then I did before, which is the only reason I know I truly made the right decision.

Im waiting for reality to set in, and the hating myself to kick in.

sorry about any typos, I just typed it quick and didnt even bother to really read it over.

<3<3<3

Sending you lots of love and support. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need an ear.

Quoting The Doctor:" <3<3<3 Sending you lots of love and support. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need an ear."

thank you so much.

You dont have to hate yourself...you talk like you should have to.

You so knew this was the right thing to do, and you feel relieved...thats okay hun!!

Its hard....and it doesnt 'go away'. I hope you have continued strength. All my best to you.

If it matter any..I think you did the right thing.

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" You dont have to hate yourself...you talk like you should have to. You so knew this was the right thing ... [snip!] ... doesnt 'go away'. I hope you have continued strength. All my best to you. If it matter any..I think you did the right thing. "

I just feel like i should be angry at myself or something. I dk. I dk what I feel. I feel nothing right now.

Quoting The Doctor:" <3<3<3 Sending you lots of love and support. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need an ear."

Same here..

I am always on.. <3 My heart goes out to you.

I was afraid of regret or hating myself too, but i knew it was the right decision.
before i got it done i kept going back and forth with weather i wanted it to be over with or needed more time.

when it was done all i felt was relief, even while thinking "i was having a baby and now im not", i completely understand that last paragraph. its like i wrote it myself...
sometimes i wondered if it would ever hit me, but it hasn't.


im glad you know you made the right choice, you are very strong to stick to your decision even with enough doubt to make you want to go home. That strength will keep reminding you that you did what was right for you, and keep you from any regrets-it has for me anyway.

best of luck, if you need anything ever, like the other ladies, feel free to pm me.