Would have been married 9 years..
posted 7th Aug '12
Please don't quote this, it has very sensitive info about personal things I don't really share often, I may want to delete it later... And it's going to be VERY long, but I need to get it out, again, so I can be okay for a while.
Tomorrow would have been my 9 year anniversary with my first marriage. It wasn't something I would have picked for myself, it was a situation of what I thought was the lesser of two evils. My mom and I fought nonstop and had threatened to kick me out when I was still in school, then after graduation and meeting my now ex told me that I could either be homeless or marry him, just to get out of her house. I met this guy online, talked a bit, and he was going to drive out to see me from Florida. He talked about his airplanes he owned, multiple properties at airparks, corvette, bmw, house in Colorado, his business and so on. He seemed like he had it together, he was my religion which was important to me, so I figured what the heck, I'll hang out with him. I knew he was older but I'd said something about how I'd never want a relationship with someone more than 10 years older than me, and he said something about how that was fine and all that so I figured he was within that. Shortly before he got here, I found out he was 50! I was just 18. He showed up, and I did NOT like him, told my mom, and I was still sent away with him, no money, no means of caring for myself or helping myself seeing as I wasn't allowed to work while I was in school, so I had nothing of my own.
I left, we went to his house in Colorado, which I found out he was renting out, no big deal. I had been on medications from the time I was 9 years old, amphetamines, for severe ADHD, and when moving, I had to stop cold turkey, so I ended up pretty sick. I remember sleeping on the floor in one of the rooms and hearing about how lazy I was and how I needed to get up and do something instead of sleeping all day.
After a while there we left for Wisconsin for an airshow he went to every year. Seemed pretty fun and all, 2 weeks of camping, and airplanes and stuff. I still wasn't feeling well, and one morning I remember him getting angry at me and pulling the tent down on top of me and stomped all over it because he was mad I wasn't getting up and going out to look at things with him. I think at some point there he yanked me by my arm too, and some other things. We spent 2 weeks there, and I'd hear about how my parents dumped me on him with no money and how they expected him to take care of me and all this. On our way to Florida we stopped and got married, I had no choice really, I had nothing and would be homeless there if I didn't. My mom was sure to tell me before I left "Just do it, you'll eventually fall in love with him." Yeah, because that's how it works, this isn't the 1400s.
Well, once we got married, the natural thing happened the night we got married. The next morning he called my mom screaming about how she gave him "damaged goods" and there was no way I was a virgin, which I was, because he "never felt a pop" the night before. I tried swearing to him I was, but he wouldn't listen. At one point within the next few days he decided to scream about how I was a worthless slut in the middle of a grocery store parking lot.
I was also told if I ever weighed more than 130 he'd pack my bags and lock me out. Once I hit 130, I wasn't allowed to eat, I'd have to sneak food when I was out and lie. I tried to leave after 4 months, had the police come with me to get my stuff since I'd filed a domestic violence report, that ended up going no where, because he stole the car while they were inside, stole my purse and took off. It got a LOT worse after that. Every time I ever wanted to go out, I wasn't allowed, if I was upset, he'd throw me on the floor and pin me down and cover my mouth and nose, all the while yelling at me. His reasoning was because I was a danger to myself He tried to have me Baker Acted, which means that he could lie and have me committed and I wouldn't be allowed out until he said so. He'd hold that over my head all the time, if I didn't do what he said when, he'd threaten to commit me and make sure I never got out. And I guess my own mother was the one that told him about the Baker Act. I wasn't allowed to have friends or talk to other people. I was only allowed to go to work and come home. Oh yeah and all that stuff he talked about? He was in debt just on credit cards over 600,000 and got the house taken and all sorts of other crap. He never worked, I had to support him and pay his bills. I never saw a dollar of money I made.
Another time I ended up with a 2nd degree burn over 15% of my body from his carpet cleaning machine. I got sprayed with 260 degree pressurized water. I called 911, once the paramedics got there he locked us in the bathroom after throwing them and their bags outside and locking them out. Never once saw a doctor. He still demanded sex even though I had blisters over 12" long, and the morning after I had it I had to get on him hands and knees, it was on my leg from my knee up the side and around on my stomach, and scrub the floor because HOW DARE I let the spaghetti make a mess in the kitchen when I was supposed to be cooking dinner, and he made sure he left it so I could see what I did wrong and cleaned up after myself.
I remember another time waking up to god awful pain, he was shoving something in the backdoor, I'm assuming it was his dick.. Another time he held me down and shoved it so far down my throat while holding my head down that I threw up and choked on it.
He ripped my clothes off once and threw me on the ground at our airplane hanger because I tried to walk down to the terminal to get a cup of coffee. Another time he walked into the bathroom while I was getting ready for work and threw a pitcher of ice water on me and knocked my feet out from under me because I'd done something to upset him, can't even remember now why, but I'm sure it had something to do with kids because he said something like "And this is why I'd never trust you to be a mother."
He'd always tell me he needed a "sex kitten" since I didn't want to have sex with him 3 times a day. The reason he said "kitten" was because he liked little girls, and when I say little, I'd heard him talk about what he wanted to do to a 6 year old in our neighbor hood. He'd say "Smurf em at 7 they're in heaven, smurf em at 8 it's too late." I would have to listen to him detail explicitly from taking their clothes off to the end result of what he'd want to do to girls like the daughters of his best friends and others while he had sex with me.
That's all I can remember right now, I know there was more, I've blocked most of the 3 years out. Sometimes I wonder if I blew it out of proportion in my mind and jumped to the conclusion he abused me, and that really he didn't and that it's something in my mind that was wrong and I should have stuck it out because I did the wrong stuff and not him. I still have nightmares to this day about him, and things he could/would do to me. I also have nightmares that I'm always trying to save his new wife and child from him. I have no reason to still think about this stuff, I have an AMAZING husband and beautiful child, we're about to move to New England where I've always wanted to live, life is great. I wish I could get rid of this crap always hanging over my head...
Anyway, sorry for taking so much of your time, I just needed to get it out, this time of year is always hard for me.