Mourning My Baby.

I never was attached to my pregnancy, ever. I hated it because it reminded me of the dad. I was raped and resented myself with every fiber of my being for trying to work things out with him. Something was wrong with me. I got an abortion at 9 weeks, and will never forgive myself. I find myself grieving again right now. It's confusing to grieve over something you never knew, never felt or touched. I almost feel raw for trying to plan to TTC later this year or early next year. Even though I resent my own decision...but am at peace with it at the same time...I will always remember this baby and my next pregnancy will be baby number four. I'm sorry I never gave it a chance...

It's confusing,isn't it? Even though I don't regret mine,I too had moments of tears and "what if"s.
Don't worry, you WILL come to terms with it.Take care.

I know its not the same situation, but I've had so many losses that with every new pregnancy its harder and harder for me to be attached. Then, when I miscarry I do okay through the actual process---upset, but not a mess. Its not til afterward (sometimes hours, sometimes days or weeks) before it REALLY hits me and I'm a wreck.

This last time I was 9 weeks along and my DH was deployed. I've miscarried so many times that the actual process was not much more inconvenient than a horrible period showing up unexpectedly. I dealt with the symptoms easily based on previous experience (heating pad, percocet, hot shower, watching movies in bed with my toddler all day, big-ass glass of wine when he was in bed). It wasn't until we got past the "I know how to deal with this part" where I couldn't DO anything else that the emotions hit me full-force.

I'd known something wasn't right for 3 weeks by the time I miscarried, so I'd thought I'd dealt with it al. But sometimes it just hits you.

I hope you find your peace with it and that your next pregnancy is planned and has a happy outcome.

It's not the same, but close enough. I wanted a baby, but not then and not with him. I really truly am glad that I'm not still pregnant now...but it almost seems as if everyone is due in January. I was due January 19th. I will get over it eventually. I just feel bad.

Quoting La Reggaetonista:" It's not the same, but close enough. I wanted a baby, but not then and not with him. I really truly am ... [snip!] ... it almost seems as if everyone is due in January. I was due January 19th. I will get over it eventually. I just feel bad."

I lost it today when I realized my son (the one in my avi) would have been 6 months old now if I'd carried him to term.

You'll have moments like that, I'm sure, months or years from now where you think he/she would have been ... and you'll have an ache in your heart for a while. The rest of the time it will always be with you, but it won't be consciously there all the time.

It doesn't get easier.
You don't get stronger.
But, eventually, you start to develop a callus where the hurt is.

Quoting P Pickle Pants:" I lost it today when I realized my son (the one in my avi) would have been 6 months old now if I'd carried ... [snip!] ... the time. It doesn't get easier. You don't get stronger. But, eventually, you start to develop a callus where the hurt is."

I'm so sorry for your losses. It makes me feel even worse to remember that so many people would have killed to have had my baby. I tried to hard to consider adoption but it was just a constant reminder that I would be binded to him forever. I didn't love that baby...

Quoting La Reggaetonista:" I'm so sorry for your losses. It makes me feel even worse to remember that so many people would have ... [snip!] ... hard to consider adoption but it was just a constant reminder that I would be binded to him forever. I didn't love that baby..."

Don't feel bad. You did what you did. And you keeping that baby or trying to deliver it and give it to someone else wouldn't have made my situation any different. So why be bitter toward you about it?

Women who just have one because they didn't feel like using BC or didn't use it properly (ya know, forget it for 3 days and then wonder why it didn't work  ) or women who have had multiple abortions sometimes make me feel bitter about what I go through depending on the woman and the situation, but NEVER women who have been raped (even by a former lover, since that's more common than most realize).

After what I've gone through, I don't believe I'd ever have an abortion under ANY circumstances (and I say that as a survivor of molestation, so I understand the emotions of that too). BUT, what I would choose to do and what I think others should choose to do are not something I need to foist upon other women trying to deal with their own thing.

I can't tell you how many people when they hear of my history tell me that I should stop trying and just adopt or surreptitiously act like "well, they chose to get pregnant again, knowing the risk, so what did they expect" thinking I can't read the look on their faces---they don't have the right to dictate what I do or how I feel about the outcome anymore than I have the right to tell someone they should or should not have an abortion and that IF they do, they don't get to feel bad about it after, ya know?

So don't sweat it. Plenty of us fertility-challenged folks (well, at least those looking to adopt; I'm not there yet) would have loved that baby for you---but that doesn't give anyone the right to pressure you to go through something that YOU can't cope with. Worry about you first. Smurf everyone else AND the horse they rode in on.